I want to live,
Not just exist,
Is what most people say.

But I want to exist,
Not be alive,
I’m just surviving each day.

I may not be paranoid
But I check every room before I walk in

I may not be schizophrenic
But I always feel like something is behind me

I may not be depressed
But I don’t want to be alive much longer

I may not be an highly sensitive person
But I cry all day long because I feel everything

I may not have anger issues
But I hit and cut myself to keep it inside

I may not have an ed
But I stave and binge myself until it hurts

I may not have anxiety
But I am always scared of everything

I have autism
And all those things I mentioned
are because of it

You held me close, yet lied to me,
A traitor's mask I could not see.
The warmth I crave, your arms I seek,
But truth has made my heart grow weak.

I know your truth, but I can't say,
The cost is one I dare not pay.
My silence screams, my heart decays,
Bound by the game we’re forced to play.

Still, I’m trapped in your embrace,  
Hating the love I can’t erase.

It has been a year,
A year since the blade kissed my skin,
Since I danced with the sharp edge of pain,
And mistook it for release.

I don’t even remember the last time
The moment I stopped
But I also don’t remember the first.
Was it worth it?

The scars tell a story I don’t want to read,
Yet I wonder,
Are they loud enough?
Do they shout my struggles to a world
That rarely listens?

I was struggling.
I was really, really struggling.

I hate my scars,
The way they carve a map of hurt
Across the canvas of my body.
But they’re also not enough,
Not enough to explain the ache
That made them bloom in the first place.

Still, here I stand
A year further,
A year beyond,
Wrestling with what was
And what remains.

When i saw you break down in front of me
Something inside of me broke as well
How could someone like you suffer like this
Why do you make yourself go trough hell

I wiped away your tears as mine started to fall
And hugged you tight to sooth your pain
Your fragile strength could still endure it all
Yet I longed to take your burdens and sustain

Like a cat, I am unpredictable,
following you around wanting your touch.
And I act like I love and want you,
Only to retreat when it's all too much.