change is terrifying
no matter who you are
change is scary
knowing change is coming and having no idea what that change is
well
that can be even worse
or when change hits you like a train
even when there are no train tracks
indicating the remote possibility of its crossing
change is inevitable
change allows growth
don’t resist
don’t fight
don’t yell at it and tell it to go away
it is here to help you
to guide you
so let it

timing was something i never believed in
i thought if two people wanted to be together
they would

i had known you for eight years
always in the same class
always sat next to each other
always could talk for hours
we blended so perfectly together
we balanced the other out
everyone could see we belonged together
but i was with someone else
i never saw you in that way
          and that was okay

two years later
we are up until 4am talking
not wanting to leave each other’s side
we kissed for the first time
it was like placing the last piece of the puzzle
          we fit so perfectly
but you were just visiting
living 1, 973 miles from me
i thought this was it
fairytale comes true
the classic
          “we all knew you would end up together”
but you left
with a glimmer of hope we’d be together
but we were on different paths
we want different things
we lived in different parts of the country
maybe our paths will cross again
maybe next time
we will have better timing

i have so many tabs in the books i read
they are color coded and when you flip open the book
i usually have some sort of comment there
these comments range from witty to cynical to dark to brutally honest
either with myself
or a general statement about the world
no matter what it says
whether silly or serious
those comments are my secrets
the tabbed off sections of my mind that i keep for only myself
the bruises i keep concealed
the words i’m too afraid to speak out loud
secrets between myself
my book
and my future self
who will one day read those tabs
those comments
and think back to the reasons they were left
think about all the obstacles i had overcome
and all words i had once related to
my truest self lies within
the margins of books
highlighted quotes
and color coordinated tabs
that no one knows the meaning of
i am terrified of someone reading those sections
someone picking up any one of my books
and knowing how i really feel on the inside
it would be as if someone had stripped me of my clothes
and left me for judgement
one day
i’ll be able to let someone open my books
to let them observe my truest self
and i hope that person is willing
to show me
their tabs too

i am convinced i need the approval of a man to be validated as beautiful. i believe i need men to give my body attention because they won’t like what’s beyond that. i have a strong personality and firm opinions but am willing to push that aside to be praised for my looks. i don’t believe i’m beautiful so i seek the attention of men who will say i do even if all they want to reveal what’s beneath the clothes. i am more inclined to offer my body because it has tougher skin than my heart. revealing my skin is much easier than voluntarily offering up the vulnerability of my feelings.

love can be scary
love can be aggressive
love can be sad
love can be happy
love can be anything
love can show up in anything at anytime
          so why do we just assume love is always going to appear as
          just love
we search for this one kind of love
and we only understand it as one kind of feeling
love is the kind question
          “are you okay?”
love is in the eyes of a puppy
          when you’ve just walked in the door
love is in the hug of a friend
love is that compliment you received from that stranger
love is in the falling tears after the loss of a loved one
love is in the freshly baked “just because” cookies
love is everywhere in everything
          but we are so busy looking for that one kind of love
          from that one kind of person
          that we forget to acknowledge all the other kinds of love