joking all day to make them laugh, to make them happy
laughing at everything, just to be seen
humoring them, to keep them entertained
being full of energy, even when you're drained
being the silly one, even when you're drowning inside
and if the tears remove the makeup,
you must put on another costume, a new one
to make them feel the same happiness
just like a clown, but without a paycheck

We share one garden,
watering the plants together.
But you stopped,
left me in the garden, alone,
to water it on my own.
And I did— I watered the plant.
But when I got tired and stopped, just like you,
you came back and blamed me.
The plants were gone, and the place turned into a lifeless desert—
like our relationship.
You left me,
and want me to chase you,
so you can blame me again.

i feel lost
like i'm in a big forest and there is no light no map to guide me
to show me where to go
no one there to console me or help me to get to my destination
is there even a destination?
even when i'm lying in my bed
i feel like i'm running
my mind is running
i feel lost
even when i don't have anything to do
i want to fly
away
away from all of this
all of this thought
all of those feelings
i want to stop feeling
feeling this

I'm waiting for you..
I don't know who
I don't know why I feel this way
or even when I felt this way
I miss you
I don't even know you
but I hope you're waiting for me too
miss me
need me more
I don't know who

how will we meet?
when will we meet?
what do you look like?
are you older or younger?
are you taller or shorter than me?
will you think I'm funny or annoying?
will you see me as fragile or just a crybaby?

I want to see you
I want to know you
I don't know when or how we will meet
but if it were up to me
I'd fly to you immediately
can't wait to see you
my lovely soulmate.

a crack in the glass
a moldy fruit in a fruit basket
a torn page in a book
a broken branch in a tree
a difficult puzzle in a newspaper
a high note in a quiet song

we didn’t match
we never did
but i tried
and i’m tired

i was thinking of you
of us
do you miss me, like i miss you?
do you need me, like i need you right now?
i know i left
but every person who feels like this should leave too.

you made me feel unseen, even when your eyes met mine.
you made me feel stupid, even when you encouraged me.
you made me feel dry, even when we talked all the time.

am i imagining things?
there was something wrong,
i know there was.
but you didn’t care if there was a misunderstanding between us.
you continued to talk like nothing happened,
like there isn’t a big wall
between us—between me and you.

i tried to break it,
the wall.
i really did.
but if i break one brick—only one—
you will put it back again.
you will build it again.
and again.

you made me feel unseen, stupid, and dry.
even if i imagined this.
even if i misunderstood.
even if...
i don’t care anymore.

because this feeling will come
again and again.
and i choose myself.
i choose peace.
i choose me.

i don’t need you anymore.
i don’t want to feel unlovable by you
again.

and again—
my coffee has gone cold again,
because i thought of you,
of us.

Listening to your feelings,
your sad thoughts.
Listening to your voice,
to hear the crack in it.
Looking at your eyes,
to see those wilted gazes.
You always adored flying,
but now you prefer the cage.
You used to love talking,
but now you’re silent.
You used to fill me,
but now you’re empty.
You looked like a sunny day,
and now you’re the rainy one.

just stay here and console me
just stay and collect my words together to hear their melody
just stay here and hold my pieces together
to figure me
just stay here and look at me
to see the lifeless painting I have become
to understand my pain
just stay here
silent with me
to hear my soul shatter
slowly
just stay here
with me
stay

I am in a room

A tiny room

No doors

No windows

Not even a light

But there is only a small hatch in the floor

A tiny one

When I opened it

There is no ramp to walk over it

There is no ladder to go down

I can only fall in this hole

But there is no other way out of this

This madness

Either I fall into the darkness, a place to drown more,

Or into a hope, a place to escape

Will I survive this?

This madness

There is only one way to find out

you know me
know me too well
know me better than anyone
you understand me more than everyone
i talk to you about everything
i vent to you about anything
you know what i do
what i should do
you know what is on my mind
what i'm thinking about
you know my heart
what will hurt my soul
who listens to me even when i hate myself
who stays when i didn’t even want to talk
who knows me without even explaining myself
who hugs me when the world feels cold
who cleans my eyes when it's stars raining again
who puts up with my storms and dryness
who cares about my life more than i do
you know my past, my present, and i hope my future as well
our memory
our heart
our mind
are connected
we belong like one person
i know you
you know me
i love you, my human diary

I loved you in mystery
I hoped I would get my victory
I thought that we had history
You made me feel agony
You were in my memory
And that put me in my misery

I'm lucky
for having you,
for having someone like you,
just you.
yapping all day long,
arguing about what is best for me,
sleeping in the same bed after a horror movie.
I know that you're sometimes a pain for me,
but I love it, even if it makes my life misery—
even if it's from you.
Each day I fall for you more and more.
I adore you.
You are my best friend.
You are my love.
You are you.
You, my love.
You, my best friend.
I love you—
for being you.

i was lying in my bed
thinking of you
waiting for you
dreaming of you
loving you
by myself
asking you
will you love me
will you need me
will you care for me
will you?

in my little dream
in my little head
i think of you all day all  long
a thought, a glance, a song
i think of you all day all  long
just a dream
between me and you
just an eye contact
between me and you
just a dream
just nothing
between us
nothing

A friendship where you try to impress,
fit in,
make them love you or like you more —
this is not a friendship.
It’s just a sign for you to leave.
To be yourself,
in a different place,
with different people,
different friends.

In the end 
It will go, it will pass
Time will heal you slowly day by day until you can let go
Trust me
It will

You're Here
You're here with me
Still there
Even when we are in silence
Even when we are bored
Even when we are sad
Even when we are mad at each other
Even when we fight
Even when we hate each other
You're still here
And I will
Trust me, I will
I will be with you
Forever
And ever
I love you
And I always will
I will love you unconditionally

I didn’t mind
for you to love me.
I didn’t mind
giving you my heart.

But did you ask?
Did you ask for my love?
Did you ask for my heart?

You didn’t.

So why am I sad?
Why am I lonely?
Why am I the way I am —
without you?

I'm drowning
I'm drowning again
My head
my thoughts are killing me
Every day
Every second.
Every breath
Every beat
I'm drowning again
Can I be saved?
Or I can't?
Can I be in peace
for a day,
for a second,
for a breath,
for a beat?
Be in peace again…
or I can't?
Can I?

I wish you could just read my eyes and translate my feelings by simply looking at them…

I wish you could see, or feel, or even care…

Do you even care?

life goes by
your life goes by
we will move on
you moved on
we will forget each other
you forgot about me
gonna lose each other
you left me
we are stranger now
but you're not stranger in my thoughts
in my heart
in my soul
you will still be here
in my memories
in my photo gallery
in my contacts
in my notes
in my drafts
i still call your name
call it unconsciously
i still read our massages
read it unconsciously
i miss you
but i will heal
one day
some day
i will

why is it okay when it's you
why is it okay
always nagging
always mean
always judging
but when i'm even about to talk
i'm the problem
is it because i make it easy?
is it because i always let it slide?
always "you didn't mean it"
always covering for your mistakes
always "i'm imagining"
always trying to make myself the problem so you can continue with your thoughts
those stupid thoughts
and even then
i hoped that you would hate me
or be bored of me
because i know
and i've always known
that i can't hate you
i can't block you
i can't leave you
please hate me
please leave me
and you did
left

Feeling can come and go right?

So why am i in the same place having the same feelings?

How can i move on?

I fell for nothing and i know that

But how can i move on from “nothing” ?

Wishing is all I can ask for

But having is something I can’t have

I feel lost

My feelings are just like the ocean
moving slowly or rushing fast

I can’t make them settle or slow down

How can I do that?

I want my feelings to be like the tide at the beach… dry and empty

I wish i can remove those feelings
I don’t want them not anymore
I don’t want to feel or even want you to feel my feelings
I’m better with my own
Alone in my little world
All alone

Just between me and my thoughts…I really liked you I really do..or maybe
Maybe the idea
The idea of having someone to love or maybe just maybe to make sure i can be loved
Loveable by someone….person who love me for who i am for my presence for being me just me
Someone can love me in my silent days, boring days and anger days…
Can i be loved?
Can i be loved for who i am?
I think i can ..
By someone
A special person
A lovely person
Like… ME!!!
I just love me