My luminous thralldom
Plunged back into war
I could not save a soul
Mine was nevermore
Sure
And the traveler
Side of me
Once optimistic
Fell prey to the death of ideals
Unrealistic
There was no escape
Nowhere else the tale goes
Though I found a few hiding spots,
Highs were still lows
I felt useless,
Abused,
Disaffected
Confused
And with each passing day
Became more a recluse
And I could not excuse
My aberrant behavior,
Attempts to explain
Only made me seem stranger
The anger again
Was what woke me from bed
Or else probably would
Have just laid there
All dead

I can’t stand looking in the mirror.
Just wanting to slice away the imperfections.
Want to rip my veins to never feel again.
To succumb to the nothingness that I am.
Be something for someone in the afterlife.
Enough leftover pain to make them cry.
For being the spitting image of what I lack.
You should know, scrolling through your phone, seeing the prettiest beings with their legs spread wide open and fingers in their mouth drooling for your eyes to see them.

and I just think:
****, I just want to be enough for you.

Who is the one that knows
The one underneath the one that controls
The soft animal
She
Where is she
How do I reach her
Has she been so over ridden that her instincts are frozen

Wishing I'd waited
Paused for a second
Stood still
Gave you a chance
I couldn't of known you'd come
But how I wish I'd waited
Breathe
I have a choice you point out
I don't feel like I do
I feel the longer I am here the more entwined with another I become
The further the distance between you and I
I'm scared you meet someone
I know you need to
It's only fair
I want you to have that
But I want it to be with me
I know you want that to
I have the choice you say
I wish I didn't
Reading your poems
How your past is a hurricane
How we lay together with our child playing bare foot under the moon
These images cut deep into me
I want to hear it all

It is time
To listen to my body
To not over ride her
She knows the way
And I am willing to be led

To be sat crossed legged face to face
Learning each other a fresh
Nose to nose
Looking into each others eyes
A playful loving freedom envelopes us
Deep trust commitment and devotion
Knowing that we never left each other and now we are home
The journey begins
Of waking up beside you each and every day
Of facing our shadows together
And laughing and loving through it all
Of living into the people we are destined to be
Freedom to play, grow and fall apart in each others arms
Freedom to explore each other’s mind body and spirit
Nothing held back
Heart and soul
Deep peace, deep feeling of belonging
Of here, here I belong, here I choose to lay my head

I forgive my baby
She has done nothing wrong
She reaches out
She sends a silly emoji
It communicates nothing of the truth
Nothing of the depth she is really feeling
She doesn't express her true need
That lies behind the emoji
The true longing to communicate
To speak truth
Let it be what it is
Let go and let flow

Shame is present
Over reaching
Leaving centre
Come back home
All is coming
Deep integrity
Births deep love
Deep truth
Deep healing
No more self abandonment
No more reaching
Let it approach
In its own time let it come

Bear the void
Let it teach you
Watch what arises
Watch the fear
Which is lack of trust
Allow something new to be born
Bear the void
Let go