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Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Messy, messy, messy
Crowded

Blurry, faded together
Endless piles of to-dos,
Crockery piling up
I just need-

My head
to let me work
I just need to be left idle
please don't leave me idle
I just need-

Just need to be kept busy,
If I can be contorted into
a constant state of distraction
then Everything will get sorted,
Everything is a distraction,
so I can get lost in Everything,
I just need-

To be left alone
for long enough
that I can explain how I feel about
everyone around me,
so I can go through the motions
of everyone's problems,
& Get back to them when I've figured it all out,
I just need-

Don't leave me alone
not for a second,
I can't be trusted,
& it's too loud in my head
when the world gets
q u i e t
Don't ever let it get
q u i e t
I just need-

Help
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Chemical imbalance
I can't stop myself being sad,
Maybe I always will be,
But I know I'm getting better;
I've stopped saying that I want to die,
Because I don't.
I've stopped saying I'm the worst,
Because I know it's not true anymore.
I've come back to joke-bragging.
I'm happier.
I can say I'm amazing at writing,
I can take any mundane description,
   And I can make it read like fantasy,
   Like dreams
I can tell you every which way my confidence points in,
I learn like wildfire and don't forget easy,
And this isn't even arrogance yet,
Because I'll always know the difference.

I'm not always happy,
But I'm getting better
I might not be stubborn enough to
   Always push myself further
But I'm taking the steps,
With or without the chemical help I relied on for a year,
Even if that was the only year I found happiness in
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Another world, where the stars fly by in scores of showers
And the ocean is cursed with memory that the land cannot keep
Our players enter the scene aboard the Lady Misfortune,
Drowning their toils & allowing the world to drift past.

Until the day black and blue dressed hands drag their nails through the dawning sky & the Sun is sent spinning,
Struggling to protect its precious pet world
Lorenzo Neltje Jun 2018
With the songs stuck in your head,
Darling, the clock ticks down to midnight
Now, birthday boy,
Day’s over and we’re still here,
Still typing, tapping away
Like we’re running out of time
Lady, get that song out of your head-
Song out of my head-
Song out of our head
Let’s reach a compromise here
You’re not alone and never were
I don’t know how I let you think that
See, some people, they see this
As an invasion of the mind
Remember the story you told yourself,
As we finally fell asleep…
The story of the lies we kept together
Long after you were dead,
But not really dead? I don’t know, I never could tell
The crowds, the man dressed in a smirk,
Saying oh, what a shame,
to lose your sister like that
And for her tiny voice to answer,
that’s not the way I see it

Remember the defence in her throat,
The anger she gave out
To he who threatened you, and for what?
Arguing his case of a friend long dead,
That’s not how it happened,
But she’s never coming back, she doesn’t even want to
Trust us, she’d prefer it be me
Standing in her place here,
As if it ever mattered who she’d be…
But you see, the story you tell
Is a hundred years old or more,
They’d never perceive you as human again,
For all you know, still don’t.

So you sit here today,
Scared to let anyone know,
Dreaming of a time where we don’t have to be.
Lorenzo Neltje Feb 2019
See those marks on your arms?
See how I haven't
Been able to look
Under my own shirt
Because you know sometimes,
It just doesn't hurt,
I can't make it hurt enough
I wrote
What I thought was the most explicit
Explanation
But only one person heard
And she thought
The word choice
Was "cute"

This thing isn't working
Can I take it back?
This skin isn't working
Can I peel it off?
This life isn't working
Can I quit and start over?
See, you asked me outright,
And all the words were there but I couldn't put them together
Couldn't string these
Loose musings
Into unity
Enough to form a sentence together
I thought
I was supposed to be good at this?

responsible, can't leave
Selfish?

Am I selfish for not wanting to leave?
Or for not wanting to stay?
Because no-one would notice, let alone care -
Except maybe her, and her,
And maybe him,
And them, and -

And I'm still learning guitar,
And I haven't checked my emails,
And it's not fair to leave without cleaning my room first,
And, And, And,
And that rock would name me incorrectly,
And I'd still be called "daughter",
And I haven't looked up those artists yet,
And I want to learn all the words first,
And, And, And...

I can't stop thinking about how they'd all react
And I can't seem to imagine it would bother anyone for long
Please,
I just need someone to tell me I'm wrong
You're always right.
Lorenzo Neltje Feb 2019
Someone has to ask, is this
Nothing but a game to you?
Have you noticed, in this circle of sad songs,
There's only one composer with a dry eye
All you seem to want to do is help,
but here we are atop this mountain,
And we can't tell if your
    Cracked, broken voice is a ruse -
Is it any wonder
We dubbed you a monster,
The only one in control
At all the wrong moments -
Can't you lend us some of your
Stone-faced, clear mind
So that next time we break,
No-one can see it,
Can you help us be more like him?
I found this in my book with no date or title, I wrote it several months ago. As far as I remember though, the "him" it refers to later turned out to not be nearly as "tough" or "stone-faced" as I thought when I first wrote it. The power of hindsight, I suppose.

The title comes from where I was when I wrote it, on the Kokoda track last year.
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2018
I don't speak.
I don't need to.
To lie, one only needs to remain silent.
To lie is to let  others tell the truth
And say nothing.

Mother walks around
Talking about everything I'll do
Just say it, just say it!
Just say it's not true!
No...
Mother walks around
Talks about everything I can't do
Talks about everything she knows I'll do
Keep digging, 10 feet deep
And let her make you a liar.

People walk around
They talk about everything you've done
Just tell them, just tell them!
Is it really that hard?
To say it's not true?
Yes...
People walk around
Friends, I think?
They talk about everything they know you can't do
They talk about everything they know you've done
Keep digging, 10 feet deep
When the time comes, let them call you
A liar

And now listen to flickering flames
And now smell the smoke
Feel how hot your legs are
But you didn't start that fire,
Did you?
Lorenzo Neltje Dec 2018
Little thing,
Reading in the corner
Isn't it more comfortable in there?
Little thing,
Complaining about the cold
With no jacket on
It's a cool morning
And I'm taking you out today
We’re back here,
The empty page should feel different,
But still, no-one seems to know
What we’re doing here?
I’ve climbed 50 cliffsides to get here,
These thousands of pages,
Like a book,
Like a room,
This is a hub of my mind,
I've always seen this -
Messengers running around,
Like mice, navigating a labyrinth,
We are all labrats here
In this
distortion
Of our own world -
I wonder if you'll see it that way
One day
Little thing,
Not yet quite aware
Of how much bigger the world is
Than you might have once thought,
Little thing,
Reading in the corner,
I bet you think your book is more interesting
Little thing,
I don't blame you for thinking that
Little thing,
It's not that I don't trust you in this world,
I just wish I could trust this world with you.
Found this in my drafts, half-done, dated July 30th. I figured I'd finish and publish it at last.
Lorenzo Neltje Feb 2019
You are my heart -
     Listen to yourself beating
Be careful how fast you go
Sometimes,
     You're a little faster than
          I'd like to be,
So I say, "slow down"
     So I don't miss anything
     Because you are everything I don't want to miss
My chest rises when you take to the skies -
     I try to calm my racing heart -
But I can't seem to slow you down.
Not that that's a bad thing, of course.
Lorenzo Neltje Oct 2019
I walk through the doors,
Present the child with a tiny badge,
Yellow, white, purple, black.
I watch the smile spread across their face,
As I call them
"Captain; dear; Mx. Eli; child"
Do not tell me that they are not real
Do not tell me that they are confused
You have never known the inner workings
Of the mind of a child,
You dictate their thoughts and dreams and imaginary friends and fathers.
They are not confused
They know their mind
And they know the world they will grow up in
Will be nothing but cruel to them -
Nothing but cruelty to the little lost boys and girls and neithers,
Because if you cannot experience it then it must not be true,
And you must make up lies you imagine your father must have said
From his passive, uncaring position in the clouds,
Watching drama unfold like a game of Sims.
Tell me I'm going to hell. I'll see you there.
And never talk to my sibling like that again.
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2018
Such quiet,
Soft voices
With such power in their words
That I cannot find my own
Yet when they finish,
A cute smile
And whispered thanks
While I just colour in
Unable to stay
Between the lines
In this dark watercolour
In purples and blues
And bruises and scars
Stand outside
With wooden flowers
With rotten apples
Swinging heavy from the tree
A blue coat
And a world you made up
Out of someone else's fantasy

Paint stains the clean
Brown black-tipped rosettes
An array of brushes
In all different sizes
In all different shapes
Choose the smallest
To only outline the clouds
The swirling patterns on your page
Four clicks of a lighter
Before a blue flame erupts
The panicked breaths
Forced to slow
When others are home
Because your problems are your own
Yellow and grey cards
Will take you back to hell come morning
A pink coat you find yourself wearing despite everything
And black triangles surrounded with grey
As you question what brought you here,
What made the freezing morning
Finally slip by
I found myself unable to write anything coherant, so I just forced myself to write any thoughts that I had, which is why it ended up making no sense whatsoever.
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2018
Tick, Tock
You listen to the drone
Of a fan
Music ticks by
Three minutes, Thirty-seven seconds
Four minutes, Thirty-eight seconds
Five minutes, Ten seconds
Stop
Alt-tab away
Think about something else
You can't listen to this anymore
Fan drones on
Laughing in another room
Someone plays piano next door

Do something, DO something!
Look at downloads
Four hundred and sixteen
Out of
Four hundred and Fifty-three
Time equals
Distance over Speed
Numbers that go forever,
Listen to the story
"Today's going to be a good day"
And write the numbers coming up on the screen
Just to do something
Seven-Eight-Two-Eight-Point-Five-
Seven-One-Four-Two-­Nine
And papers build up around you
It's the same calculation done
Every 10 minutes
Because 35 Kilobytes per second
And you're exhausted
But you need to do something
That isn't hearing the same music,
That isn't playing Solitaire
Over and Over and Over
Watch numbers go up
Write numbers going down
Two hours, Thirty-Five minutes
Two hours, Twenty-Three minutes
Two hours Seventeen
Two hours Ten
Fifty-One

Four-Twenty-Nine-Point-four
Out of
Four-Fifty-Three

Tick Tock
The drone of a fan
The music's stopped
Someone next door has stopped playing piano
Stare
Into the space on your paper
More space
To fill
With numbers
Lorenzo Neltje Jan 2019
Continue,
Continue when slowing down seems the only option
Nothing is due,
Nothing is due tomorrow
There’s a chance to get something done before doomsday,
Before the clock ticks down to nill
Because once that happens,
Once we can’t see the screen anymore,
There’s nothing to rely on
And this mind
This world
Is destined to burn
We’ve stopped, we’ve lost the melody
We’ve cut the words they couldn’t read
Ten thousand tangents in our heads,
Threaten to spiral off
Into eternity,
Which one is correct?
Which one is correct for now?
Which one can we go down
Later?
This isn’t finished,
I’m scared and I don’t want to create
Another makeshift half-told story
Transitioning between the 200 years
Separating this world from
Something that, by all accounts,
Could be something completely different.
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2018
I wear a jacket that looks like patchwork
I dress in a shirt that's far too tight
Because it makes me feel different
Because if I wear this then
It's like I'm hiding my skin
It's like I can get lost in
This long pointy hood
These orange and purple patches
I'm not wearing my confidence today
Can't you tell?
Yeah I know, I've been told
Confidence is a good look for me,
but
I'm not wearing confidence.
I'm not wearing the salt
Or the pride
No
I left that in my other jacket pocket
And I'm shaking too much to get it out now

I'm here
In a black shirt I said I'd never wear
I'm here
In a hoodie that still smells like dust
Because I guess it's better
Than any coat that stinks of lies
And I can turn on my screen
And listen to bitter truths in
Gorgeous symphonic language
And I can paint
These tiny colourful stripes
Onto bottlecaps
Looking away
Because it's too real
Please, this is the only reality
I need to be a part of,
Let me read my soul
If I can't find the way to draw it
Let me turn it into a song
Turn it into something
Worth listening to
Because hell knows I've had it
With yelling at a people
Who still just turn a deaf ear,
A blind eye
And now I'm at the point
Where I'm hiding in a patchwork jacket
I'm hiding in this long pointy hood
My skin behind a shirt too tight
Because there's no use arguing my case
When it's already been decided who's right.
The patchwork jacket *is* a literal jacket that I never thought I'd wear but oh my god it's so comfortable.
Lorenzo Neltje Mar 2019
Two chains
One was a gift,
The other, I got myself.

One, a gift, a symbol
Of beauty, prettiness,
I wore it for a performance
I played the prettybird
Pink dress, purple legs,
It's just a performance
Perfect hair & pretty little dance,
It's just a performance

One, i chose, a symbol
Of movement, otherness,
I wear it always,
While I play the happy daughter
Grey pants, white shirt & tie,
It's just a performance.
Neat hair & infinite patience,
It's just a performance
Listening to lectures I've heard so many times I've rehearsed responding,
And you'll never know it's just a performance.
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2018
Put some smoke in that painting
What was the pattern on her shirt?
He had a blue coffee cup,
The mother wore a red overcoat

Look at this tapestry, admire its detail
You might even hear
The children playing in the background
If you focus,
Can you smell the snowgums,
The wood slowly burning?
Details, a red torch, a blue pen,
The cars driving in, out, in, out
The annoyed father grumbling,
make up your mind!
A purple jacket,
A whistling duck flying away
Look at the colour of the sky,
The pink horizon fading into blue, into black
The trees stretching, giant dandelion silhouettes
Look at this picture, admire its detail

Add some more smoke to that campfire
Perfect the pattern on her shirt
Colour the coffee cup blue,
The mother wore a red overcoat
The last night on a camping trip spent composing this. Enjoy :)
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2018
Deep breath,
Set your face to stone
Are you ready?
(Are you ready yet?)
Honestly, no.
But it's time to go back,
To where we all wear white
Where the uniform stand
Desperately trying not to fight

Remember grey cards
Get you where you need to be
Loose coloured paper sheets
To help keep you on your feet
Keep your resistance to the cold
Make some resistance to the heat
This lecture's getting old
You must remember when to eat

Tomorrow, wake at dawn
There's no excuses, starting now
Remember all the things you need
Make sure the music's not too loud
Take a deep breath
And set your face to stone
Yeah, no-one's really ready
But you still aren't staying home.
Back to school tomorrow :(
Lorenzo Neltje Jun 2018
Remember walking through an unfamiliar town,
Knowing there is something on the other side,
But finding it harder to care...
Do you remember
Walking through that street,
With dry throat and fast breath,
With shivering hands,
And eyes that betray,
The past 2 hours are still fresh in the mind,
Cracked voices,
Lying to ourselves when we say
”it’s all going to be okay”
How strange, on a day so cloudy,
In the sky of this world,
And in the ocean of our minds,
Fog rising over the water and we can’t see beauty anymore...

How strange, to walk by a park and see
Children,
Playing their games without a care in the world.
How strange, to see
Passers-by look at the ambulance,
And laugh, probably wondering
What’s happened, will it be on the news?
Red hair and red face,
When we take seats on the empty train,
We sit in silence,
And I can’t help but wonder,
How could anyone find happiness here?

We live in our own world,
How strange,
Being in such a dark place,
Watching others dancing in the light,
They don’t even know your struggles
And how could they?
It seems so impossible to think
That no-one else knows
This is not a happy day.
Lorenzo Neltje May 2019
It was too long
It didn't make sense
It didn't suit the tone
It's the only one that fits.
No-one else
Needs to know
How much this was cut down
& Edited in post.

We are allowed,
Into the places we have earned, well worth the work.
Did you hear the news? We’re ready to fly,
We can do this, I have faith in us,
Because there is no alternative.
Our morning, and our journey,
Has hardly begun
.

That was just under a year ago now,
I remember being disappointed with what I eventually found,
But I remember flying.
I remember singing,
I remember them singing -
Their beautiful voices echoing
up the mountain, and out,
out into the horizon,
to wake the rising sun.
I miss them,
I miss them all.
I seem to have many families.
There is the one scattered, around the world,
where we meet to play games,
drawn together by the torment we endured
& the alliances we rely on.
And there is this one,
Who flew with me,
Up the melodies of the mountains and
Through the dark, silent pleading
of a dangerously calm ocean.
But we don't talk about that,
So I won't talk about that.
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Hello again, I missed you
I was getting ready to break in,
somewhere,
We were planning an intervention,
Haven't seen you in so long.

We were worried about you,
dear,
Glad you're with friends now,
Back with us,
now,
So worried you were drowning,
out in the open,
You claim not to trust the world,
Yet keep falling victim to it -
Stay safe,
dear

I missed your birthday!
I had a present ready for you,
but I think I knew you wouldn't come.
It's been in this box for two months now,
You kept talking about how much you wanted these,
I made them myself.

I made brownies,
to celebrate you coming back,
I mean,
I don't want to make a big deal,
I don't know if I'm embarrassing you,
I hope I'm not

I just missed you

I'm glad you're home.
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2018
Once, two children grew.
Bright lights spoke to them
They didn’t know each other
Bright, flashing lights, singing
Then speaking
Then screaming
YOU MUST BE SCARED OF THE DARK.

The first child was strange
She wasn’t scared of the dark
She loved her nightmares
She loved being safe from the monsters
While dreaming that she wasn’t

She wasn’t scared of the dark
She loved it
And the bright lights, they kept yelling
And she stopped listening
“YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE”
“YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH THEM”
“YOU CAN’T STAY IN THE DARK FOREVER”
She didn’t listen.
She stayed in the dark, and was happy
She tried the light, but it scared her
So bright, so loud, no
The dark
Stay in the dark
…It’s not so bad in here

The second child was timid
She was scared of the dark
She had so many nightmares -
Was she safe from the monsters?
Maybe she wasn’t…

She was scared of the dark
She hated it
But the bright lights, they were yelling
And in fear, she listened
“YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE”
“YOU’LL NEVER MAKE FRIENDS OUT HERE”
“ALWAYS BE SCARED OF THE DARK”
She listened, she obeyed.
She stayed in the light, but she wasn’t happy
She was surrounded by smiles
But they weren’t real, they were lies
The dark
Don’t go to the dark
I’m not scared…
It isn’t that bad out here.

Time passed…
The first child
Found the second
They met at the boundaries
And knew
Knew who had it better
Despite everything

“The lights can be liars”
“But they keep me safe”
“You can be safe without them”
“I can’t be safe - I’m scared of the dark”

But these smiles didn’t lie
These faces weren’t scared…
And somehow
Neither was the second child
She stepped into the dark
The first child helped her
And…
She wasn’t scared

And when she at last came out
"I need to go home"
She left the first child behind
Who let her go,
And smiled.

And what the second child found when she left,
When she re-entered what she'd always known


…She wasn’t so scared of the light, either.
This is a few months old. Interpret it however you wish.
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2018
Streamline yourelf
Make it feel real
Coz the world in your head
You're too tied to it
Honey
Let it go
Let the worlds
Dissappear
Coz sweetheart
You need to concentrate
Keep it together
For a night and
One more day?
Honey, please
You can sleep when you're at home
And yeah
You can walk down that street and say
This ain't home anymore
But you'll still look at your books
And be too tired to pack 'em up
Darling, for now
You're stuck here
'Til you get out
But it isn't really that bad
Just look at what's here
Look,
you can fight that dragon
Another day
Honey you're fine
You're fine here
Just keep breathing
Until you walk down that street
And wage war with yourself
Again
Oh, look at your mess
Lady
Why are you only kind to yourself
In your poems?
Yesterday was a pretty bad day, I got home and wrote 3 poems just to vent. This was the second of the three.
Lorenzo Neltje May 2021
Shards of glitter flick against dark windows,
Lit to sparkle from city lights
A hypnotic pattern of movement,
In hands
Fidgeting,
Fluffy toys, keys
The soothing soft voice,
Impossibly gentle
Peeling away at softened shells;
No, I won't answer that question,
Not because of defences
Or pride,
But simply because I do not have the words
To explain exactly why I am at peace,
In a calm moment
From pre-occupied turmoil.

Yellow lattice fences and dimly lit
   train tracks
Are whisking me away to
Some place of unsafety,
And I only want to thank you
For this respite,
Sweet little shard
Of glitter
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