I put my feelings in a box
I scatter them across the page

I order them and categorize
Like I used to order stationary
Or split the peas from the carrots
Right before consuming

I try to defrag my brain
Stack the boxes all nice and tidy

But with the filling of each box
Is the finding of more feelings
Littered across the ground
Or, like dust, floating

Hidden cracks and corners:
My mind is a maze
Of feeling, thought, unexplored opinion
Unscrambling is eternal.

No one chose to iterate
Or elaborate to me
The vast unending sea of grief
We tred; trying to breathe

Our paths bisect and weave to form
A beautiful tapestry
That on the surface gleams and glows
With possibility.

Beneath, time tugs each thin line
Until one snaps and breaks
One little thread removed and gone
Left havoc in its wake.

Something once so beautiful
Unravels, sags and fades
Parallel to how the Sun
Sets each dying day.

Disappearing,
More are disappearing.

It's a bad month for any of this.

Please put down that shard of glass.
You can't hide it with your smiling face.

Through the cracks of life and to the door of death beyond,
Don't disappear on me now.
Such a simple slip.

Because the guilt feels heavy and familiar.
And my mind was so used to it
That I believed I had forgiven myself
Then,
Only just,
Caught a whisper
Of thought ninja-like,
Camouflaged.
They were normal.
That's all.
The thoughts had become normal.

And you are like him.

Is my influence so treacherous?
Do I drive men to such a depth of despair?
I'm not so vain as to think that it's just me;
There is more sorrow and complexity in your existence.
But was I the trigger?

Was I the trigger?

I was the trigger for him.
Logically, the blame should slip away.
He was unstable.
Anything, anyone,
It was going to happen some point.

But
It
Was
Me.

Just open up ground and swallow me whole
Be my Jonah's Whale.

Is my influence so vile?

How can I find a place to stand
When my standing causes such suffering?
I feel myself shrinking into the shadows again

I don't want to cause any trouble
I don't want to cause any bother
I don't want to cause any hassle

Please, just go about your lives
I'm going to close the door now
*I don't want to cause any trouble.

The dictionary was our savior.
We turned to it when straits were dire.
It gave mystical advice.
It absolved responsibility.
Well this time
This time
It told me to jump into the abyss
Disappear into the ether
And tempting as that is
A release
An erasure
A finality
Tempting tempting tempting
I know how much it would mean to you
So I resolve
To only visit temporarily
To make my escape brief
- And return all the more brighter
Refreshed and gleaming
Restrained only by human form
Oh severe mother of mine!
To pin me to this physical form!
And merciful father!
To birth me unto being!
One day I will transcend
But for now
A brief escape will have to do.