so much has changed
but your name still rings purple.

~

the breakups, the makeups
the pregnancy scares
the movies, the makeouts
the tears and the fear
we both moved to a new country
further away than before
started new careers, new lives
more alone than before
the nights we'd stay up talking
and the days we'd spend hand in hand
then the distance
then the silence
and whispers in the air
so much has changed
and yet, nothing at all
my phone waits for your text
to ring purple and inform
me that you still have something to say
and I have a lot left to hear
your name still rings purple
reminding me that you're not here
and the phone cries for attention
my favorite color, full of memories
as the goodnight texts turned to formal
gooddays and then nothing at all
but my phone still rings purple
whenever you call.

dear boyfriend,
sorry for calling you my boyfriend, i'm just tired of calling you my ex, the ex, the one that broke my heart, the one that got away. so for now, for today, dear boyfriend,
i've been sorting through our memories and i found the very first necklace you gave to me. i haven't worn it yet, but it still shines. i thought you'd be interested to know that the shirt you gave me still faintly smells of you (or maybe that's in my head). i'm feeling really nauseous today and i think its because i read the letters you wrote to me and your handwriting is strange and so familiar. how your letters capitalize mid-sentence, i never quite understood. everytime i see it, i think of how your mother taught you her whole life and imagine you sitting with her and learning to read. did your mother teach you to love? mine certainly didn't. my father taught me to run, though. he taught me to run and run and run and never to look back. i'm still struggling with the second part. he taught me to never stop moving because your past is out to get you. i've been running ever since. my feet hurt and i wish you were here to hold me. but i guess love needs to take a breath, love needs a second, love needs you to freeze for a moment in time. but i never stopped running. i never stop. have you been stopping? freezing in your tracks when the memories hit you like a brick? does your heart clench in desire the way mine does? sometimes it feels like i'm running with my eyes closed and i've gotten my hair caught in spider webs. ugh, i've always hated spiders. i'm not afraid of them, but i don't enjoy their presence. i always liked the idea of having you **** them for me but honestly i think you were more freaked out by them than i was. which is kinda cute in and of itself. you were different, i mean, are different. i wonder how much has changed. i wonder how little has changed. i wonder if you're still waiting for the day the sun sets in the east. i wonder if you're still waiting for me.


love,
your (ex?) girlfriend
(and forever soulmate).

i ran and i ran and i ran
three countries away
three continents over
i ran so that i didn't have to wake up
and take a shower in the same shower
get dressed in the same clothes
smell that same **** perfume
all laced with memories of you
i ran so far that i managed to forget who i was
managed to forget that it wasn't just my addiction to pain that kept us together
it was all those memories and laughs
and suddenly the taste of your lips
doesn't seem too distant when i still see your deodorant on my shelf
when i see our ticket stubs on my wall
when i have the wrapper from the chewing gum i chewed before kissing you stuck to my cork board like a ticking time bomb
i ran so far that i forgot what it felt like to love you and suddenly i'm back in my own skin begging you to love me again
but you're full of anger
and you're full of hate
i'm full of fear
and i'm scared of fate
my purse is still the same one you held for me
my neck is still the same one you kissed
my wrist smells of the perfume i put on before our first date
there are seventeen boxes of hershey's drops on my bookshelf
each one shared or gifted by you
the flowers from my garden
you picked
are crumbled
but fresh, scattered on my bed
i ran three countries away
i ran three continents over
to escape from a love
that i don't even want to get over

the first holiday is the hardest
the first morning is the hardest
the first meal is the hardest
the first bath is the hardest
the first illness is the hardest
the first joy is the hardest
the first ocean trip is the hardest
the first broken wrist is the hardest
the first loss is the hardest
the first hurt is the hardest
the first love is the hardest
the first hate is the hardest

the second is too
(without you).