in that moment
i don’t seem to mind
i can’t seem to breathe
but my lungs were on fire
As you took me by surprise
Our dreams seem to fade behind
through highways we’ve Passed
with the cold breeze on a saturday night
this memory feels vivid, it’s hard to see
that i’m falling and don’t even see it
you’re enjoying, the chase we’ve created
a secret bubble built in hotel rooms
now, i have been able to breathe
when fire left my lungs
more than a year since
-for the ghost of my february Love

call me
Whenever it’s lonely
Whenever the silence
Feels so loud that it’s deafening
Hide me
Just until i feel safety
Just until every morning
Feels less like i’m drowning
—this will never reach you

I didn't choose you at twelve
I was broken but pretended you made me whole
In a way you did, yes
But it was not enouugh, my fears got the best of me
not knowing it was you it took
I didn't choose you at thirteen
I was self centered
I had made myself believe I deserved someone more spontaneous, unboring to make me feel alive
But I didn't know it was constant I needed to make me feel safe
I didn't choose you at fourteen
I wanted someone new, I was busy with friends
I said you would only keep me down
But you were the one who's always kept me on my feet
I didn't choose you at fifteen
I was scared
You had enough of me now,
But you still made me feel important
You kept your distance when we were sixteen
You liked someone else
Suddenly the world was yours
And nothing was mine

At twenty one we saw each other
for the very first time
I witnessed someone I loved for 10 years walk away
And I still didn't choose you
But I knew now,
At twelve I loved you because you were my friend who drove away my fears
At thirteen I loved you because you made me feel the center of your universe
At fourteen I loved you because you were the constant thing keeping me alive
At fifteen I loved you because you respected me enough to stop pursuing me
At sixteen I loved you because you were still my friend even after all
At twenty one I loved you, I love you still, I love you always
But I didn't choose you now
Because now
you're not choosing me

(M.E.G)

I fell in love with the way he keeps himself
so full, so sure, so arrogantly handsome yet so humbly beautiful

I fell inlove with him for all the times he stayed
through all the beating, through all the cheating,
through all the bad and good

I fell in love with his words
the way they roll out of his mouth through the clever words he speak and into my soul, he envelops me with every decibel he forms

I fell inlove with him, because he is true, because he is him

I fell in love with the way he looks at things that astound him,
the way the crease forms between his bushy brows,
you know he's thinking, you know he's about to say something
you know when he looks at you, so straight into your eyes you would think he has feelings for you,
so deep into me that the brilliant comeback I've thought of all of last night has crumbled and vanished only to be replaced by you

so then you caught me, words, out of breath, out of mind

you asked me, "what do you think?"

I thought, of how unpretentiously gorgeous you look
of the tax computation that made you question yourself, if u were in the right course
i thought of why you were so inlove with her,
I think of why I love him
but I think I'm in love with you

So I said, " I don't know"


eg

And when he asked me if I was okay,
For the first time
I actually don't know how to answer
I didn't want to lie
I guess
I haven't been for a while
Maybe that was why he was here
To remind me that *I have to be

I feel no sincerity in your words
No decency in your eyes
No promise in your lips
No emotions with your touch
Yet when you tell me you love me
I believe you
Everytime you look at me
I melt
Every kiss we had
Made me want more
With every touch you make
*I burn

At one point i thought
You could be the one
That would make me close my eyes
When i kiss
At one point i thought
That what we had
Or what we might be
Is real
But when you kissed my tonight
I kissed your lips
Tasted your tongue
But not your soul

My eyes were open
I couldn't keep them close
Just like with all the boys
I kissed before

Efforts mean nothing without thoughts
You don't just do something for nothing
You do something because your soul told you to
Or because you would have not been able to sleep without doing it
And you don't do that
I know because i cannot feel anything
And this is not me being an insensitive person
It's about lighting something and realizing that your lighter has no fuel
You can't light up a candle
Now you need to think
Of
A
Way
To light up that candle or just leave it be.
Or continue what you're doing now:
Keep trying the lighter as if it would miraculously spit fire
Just to look like you're making an effort
Can't you see?
There is no thought in it
No sense
No feelings
Merely doing something for nothing
Just stop

(E.G)

Boy, you must know i am hardly astounded by faces as i am with minds
And you have only ever heard the things i wanted you to hear
You have never even touched the surface of my soul
I know this because if you have
You wouldn't have survived without

I am somewhere i do not belong
I don't doubt this
I know
It has been a year
Since i have been haunted by guilt
Guilt for myself
Guilt for my dad
Guild for everything that has happened since then
I wish though, that i had been smarter
That i had mase the better choice
That i spoke
Of my own
And have not acted
Upon my mother's accord
But i know it is not her that i must blame
But myself
Because i had a voice
J was 17
I could have said no
I could have stayed
But i thought what i did was for the better
And now i have stuck
Drowned by my guilt and self loathe
Imprisoned by my own mind
But as people not know
The ocean, as calm as it is you see on the surface
Has many deep dark secrets

(E.G)

I found that i could not write about you
It's not that there are no words to describe what you are
It's not a problem with words
It's a problem with feelings
How do k write without feelings?
No matter how much i have delved into my brain or how much effort i put into it i could not muster up anything about you that could light up a fire in me
And that's a problem
Because i cannot write about you
And if i cannot write about you
That means i don't love you

(E.G)

And i have found
That i am still clinging
To someone that can ceased to exist
For such a long time now
Ive held on to an invisible rope
Hoping to break the surface
But as i held on
I felt like im slowly losing my grip
I feel nothing left to hold on to
All the good things have gone
And i am utterly alone
As if just realizing that now
As if slowly waking up
I let myself let go
And let the waves of the unknown crash into me
And take me
Somewhere new

(E.G)

I do not want to die
I wanted to exist somewhere else
Like the scratches on my wrist
That projects the pain in my chest
But that's the point
The scratches i engrave to my wrists
Are proof that I do not want to end this life
I want to resuscitate in another life
In another form
Maybe if I scratch hard enough
Deep enough
Maybe if I peel more skin
I would change in form
I would be brand new
The purpose is not to drain my blood
From removing my skin
But maybe I would be different
People would see me differently
See my worth
See my pain
See my strength
Maybe I would see it too
The purpose I keep searching in my existence
How can I find something that is not here

(E.G)

Dear Diary,

I still love him.

Once upon a time i fell in love
This boy with a heart as big as jupiter
We were young
But loved like the moon loved the sun
Age never have to matter in love
I knew it was real
But I was too scared
We were too young
I had a lot of things to do
And so does he
I wanted more out of life
And he wanted more out of me
Eventually we got tired
He got tired of understanding me
I got tired of dealing with him
But i never got tired of loving him
It took him a lot to move on
It only took me the next boy in line
Eventually time passed
But I will always regret letting him go that easily
I could have fought for him
I could have fought for you
Now you're in love and a new man
You've grown up
You learned how to choose a right girl
Exes are now trying to get you back
But there was this one girl
She still hangs around
She wants you back everyone can tell
You two were good they say
Because she was the one who helped you heal after what I did
But she made the mistake of throwing everything away
Now she's ready to get you back
And I'm scare she really could
Because she still loves you
And she's willing to do the one thing I can never do
The thing I failed to do 6 years ago
She's ready to fight for you.

I can draw you a map on my skin with blood
And show you the ways to my heart
I don't expect you to find the right way
In ****** roads
That lead nowhere
In tricky signs that mess with your head
In sly smiles that give you hope
Only to discover that you have been ******
In finding my heart you may lose yourself
Only to discover mine is not there.

The first time you said I love you
I thought you said it too soon
Like the way my wounds would heal
everytime I cut open my skin
The second time you said I love you
I felt it was forced
Like you were trying to please my own
The third time you said I love you
It was unexpected
It was before I went to bed
And I felt a smile creep in my face and content settled my head

Everytime you say I love you
I hear but I don't accept
It's not that I want to reject
But it's that I cannot feel
I know it is cliche
But babe it is not you it is me

All this time, there lives a question At the back of my head: How can you love me when I don't even love myself.

One day you will meet a girl
Who will be joyful about everything in the world
She will not have a past that haunts her
By the scars that were reflect roads of agony when she made every wrong turn
She will not smile half heartedly
She will not laugh loud to swallow her tears
She will not hurt you intentionally
She will not push you away
She will not toy with you
She will not feed you sweet nothings
She will not make you a distraction for what she truly feels
She will not build walls so high even China cannot compete
She will not drink herself to death
She will not keep secrets
She will not make you feel bad for her
She will not cheat on you
She will not love you and push you away, afraid.

She will be clean
She will laugh and it will be real
She will cry it and it will be real
She will hurt you but never on intention
She will never push you away
And you will be persistent to let yourself in
She will drive you crazy
She will tell you she loves you and prove it in every way
You will be an inspiration
She may have walls but you will be determined this time to break them down
She may drink and get herself wasted but you will always be there for her at 2am, on the bathroom floor holding her after emptying her stomach, singing her to sleep, and it would always be one of the best nights of your life
She will not keep secrets from you
She will always make you feel better even in yiur darkest days
She will be faithful
She will be there

And you will be there to witness it all
But it's not gonna be with me.

How do you do it?
How do you sleep at night and know that tomorrow would be better?

How dol you do it?
How do you wake up each day knowing nothing has changed and continue?

How do you do it?
How do you plaster that unwavering smile on your face for 16 hours and not break down?

How do you do it?
How do you live?

Blades and scissors were nothing compared
To the words that stabbed her heart and lived in her mind
From the one person
She adored
The one person she looked up to the most
The one person she loved, loves, and will love no matter what

That first look of disappointment
Intensified
More and more
Every time she did something he never approved
She was a puppet
He planned her future bright and clear
She was okay with that
But one mistake led to another
And before she knew it
All of his plans came crashing down

She remembered that first look
Those first words
She will never forget
They lived in her mind
Where they built giant castles and declared it their home

She was no longer perfect
He no longer trusted her entirely

He hated what she was becoming
She hated that he hated her

She was getting too far
She was getting too far gone

And suddenly no one can stop her

He still looks at her
But not like before anymore
There was something in there
The disappointment that still lingers
Because she was no longer perfect

Because she was growing up

She will scream
I AM FINE
with a smile plastered on her face
with shaking hands
with quivering lips
she will force you to believe her
Because maybe if enough people believed what she was saying
She would believe it herself

Everyone loved her when she brought happiness
Everyone adored her for what she could give
But no one gave a **** when she was slitting her wrists for the wrong reasons
No one phoned her to see how she was doing

No one was around for her downfall
When she was reaching for a hand to hold on to
Because in truth
If only there was one hand
Even just one hand
She would grab hold of it for dear life for as long and as hard as she can
Because then she would know that even at her darkest hours
There was a hand that cared
Enough to save her dying heart

I was an ocean
And they were all scared to swim

I want to get to know the 1am you

When we're planning to stay up til 2
When we're talking about tomorrow's dues

I want to get to know the 2am you

When we said we'd only be up til 2,
But we felt that the time wasn't enough

I want to get to know the 3am you

Because you already know mine
You know I hate this time
So we stay up one more time

I want to get to know the 4am you

When I'm all out bold
Secrets out
No holds barred
When I hate 3 you'll know how much I love 4
Because for me 4am is the light at the end of a dark tunnel
And I don't want to waste my time

I want to know you til 4.

It's like drinking hot coffe without blowing off the steam
It's like diving without the full knowledge of how to properly dive in water
It's like running continuously without bringing your water bottle

You know it's hot, but you love to enjoy it. You love that first taste. You love that sting
You know it's gonna hurt when you hit the water, probably will leave a mark, but you jumo anyway. Because you love the feeling of falling. You don't think about the hurt at the end. You just jump
You know when you stop you'll be out of breath,
You feel like dying.

That's what love feels like.

I throw up
Often
I throw up
To empty it
I throw up
To feel new
I throw up
To feel a little less heavy
And be a little more weightless

I throw up my emotions
To look fine
I throw up words on paper
To lose weight

I throw up all the time I feel like throwing up
Because if I don't
I will fall apart
Little by little
And you will wonder

And say 'But she looked so fine, so happy, so carefree'
But you skipped the fault in that statement
'Looked'
She 'looked'
Can you ever say 'She felt?'
Because that's the problem
You look, and that's enough proof
You don't see past
You don't dare feel
You don't understand
                  
                                   ­         (M.G)

She was like the ocean
Calm surface
But dive a little deeper
And you'll see something else
Something, something
Something,
Hidden
That no one ever dared to know
To discover
Too afraid
That they'll drown
In her emotions
In her

But never did they know
How much more there is of her
How much more she can give
How much more she carries
Because an ocean isn't just a large body of water
It is life
She was life
She has life
But she is the ocean
And you can't tell you know it
Just swimming in the surface
You have to decide
To go and know her
Find out
What she's made of

                                      (M.G)