This is a first
The first time someone has loved me more than I love them
The first time where i have someone close by to hold me tight
The first time I held hands in the hallway
The first time I've worried about PDA
But you want another first
And well


It'll never last

You'd think 4 years would be enough
I longed for control and then I lost it
In this cruel cruel cycle

Binge
1000's of calories
guilt
shame
bloating
I feel control when my stomach hurts
I feel comfort

Restrict  
10's of calories
euphoria
shame
grumbling
I feel control when my stomach rumbles
I feel beautiful

This cycle is meant to be a form of control
but here I am
bingeing and restricting
until I can purge this hurt

I am the best thing in the history of the world!
I will fix everything that's wrong in my life!
I am brilliant
I am strong

I haven't slept in days
that's normal ,
right?

I just bought tons of art supplies at walmart!
Sure it cost a lot of money but art is my calling

There is an argument in my head
can you make it stop?
my brain is split into two

I just want to sleep
please tranquilize me

this is mania

I am empty yet full
I see your face and hear your voice
Drained and filled
Dismal and wonderful

What is this power
And Why do you hold it
All i want to do is run
Direction unknown
I never want to forget
But i don’t want to think.

It could be over if i let it
But i don’t have that power
Time possesses that.
I don’t want it exercised

My beauty how you are the light
And the darkness
I love you and hate you
And every emotion in between

Complexity at its finest