i saw a picture of you with her today
many who saw seemed to ignore
the fact that i was, in fact, yours
at such a recent time
people complimented the two of you,
what a wonderful pair;
it took everything in me not to
pitch my phone to the concrete.

i told you i had nothing left to say
but now as i catch glimpses of
your smile directed at someone else
and overhear broken pieces of
lighthearted conversations that
sound like ones we used to share,
my mind swells with thoughts
that won't slip past my teeth.

i keep telling myself i'll be okay*
without the expectation that
you would so easily find someone new
to confide in, to trust like i trusted you;
now, as i watch you stop mid-stride
to talk to her,
now that i can see you looking
at someone the same way
you looked at me when you told me
i meant everything and more to you,
i stop believing the mantras
i've been repeating.

t.m.

i am always there as the shoulder to cry on and the one who listens. i am constantly there to catch people when they fall and piece them back together when they break.

no one steps in when they're aware that you're the strong one, you know.

they tell me, oh, you'll be fine. shake it off. it's going to be okay. but, is it?

it's truly hard being the base,
the shoulder, the glue holding broken pieces together, because there is always an unanswered question that lingers:

when i finally need a shoulder to cry on or someone to catch me when i slip and fall or something to hold me together when i shatter,

who's going to do it?

t.m.

days turned into weeks
weeks turned into months
and, today,
twelve months make up a year
that you've been gone

i will never forget how
on one of the worst days i'd ever faced
you told me to smile
because you thought i was
"so beautiful when i smiled"
and that i should be happy

you seemed to be the happiest of all
and then it all turned upside down;
we were hurled into a frenzied mess
of confusion and shock and questions...
so many questions
that would remain unanswered

there were so many things that
no one was aware of;
things we couldn't comprehend at the time,

and, to this day, i still can't.

t.m.

your stormy seas
met my calm, rolling waves
and created an unbreakable tide
that washed over me,
and suddenly
i was enveloped in you
without any fear
of drowning

t.m.

Today I woke up and all I wanted with my entire being was for someone to be there next to me to tickle my back.

That's all just someone to tickle my back.

Most days I'm totally okay with being alone but it's moments like this when I crave the company of another.

To be able to call them in the morning and ask them to come over for the day.
                                                                    
And lay in bed all day watching Disney movies wrapped up in each other, exchanging light kisses and inside jokes.

Because there is nothing better than having your back tickled and nothing worse than there being no one to do it.

I LET YOU WALK ALL OVER ME LIKE I WAS YOUR LITTLE DOORMAT AND I LET YOU PUSH ME AROUND AND PLAY WITH ME LIKE I WAS YOUR LITTLE TOY JUST SO YOU COULD FEEL THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF HAPPINESS BECAUSE I KNEW THAT WAS A FOREIGN CONCEPT TO YOU. I LET YOU TREAT ME IN WAYS YOU CLAIMED TO BE AGAINST; THE THINGS YOU SAID TO ME AND DID TO ME WERE OKAY WHEN THEY CAME FROM YOU BUT UNACCEPTABLE WHEN THEY CAME FROM MY END. YOU KNEW I WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE AND YOU HAD BEEN TAKING COMPLETE ADVANTAGE OF THAT KNOWING I WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU. I LET THE CIRCUMSTANCES YOU FELL UNDER BECOME THE EXCUSES FOR THE WAY YOU MADE ME FEEL; I EVEN MADE EXCUSES FOR MYSELF. I SLIPPED INTO A STATE WHERE MY INSTANT REFLEXES WERE SECOND THOUGHTS AND GUILT AND I BEGAN TO FEAR THE WAY YOU FELT ABOUT ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE REASON YOU ENDED UP HURT AND YOU'VE GOT ME INTO SITUATIONS I WANTED TO AVOID AND PLACES I DON'T WANT TO BE AND I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO TELL YOU THIS AND IT'S TEARING ME APART.

t.m.