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Jan 17 · 68
Goodbye Mama
Ayana Jan 17
Goodbye Mama
Sitting over you ,helpless as the very last of your breath was sifted from you without thoughts to retreat , I held your hands in my own ,I could feel how lifeless they've become ,I screamed  for you, but you didn't wake, I tapped you, mom!!!! Why won't you open your eyes and smile at me, mom!!! You're not being fair ,I held on to you begging you to fight a little longer I know mom, I know I was being selfish  , but mom you promised that we'd make it to the end but you broke your promise, you left so soon, I wasn't prepared for you to leave so soon there's so much I'd hope we'd do, I wanted to thank you over and over ... For loving me...  No matter how many times I would say you don't know what it's like ,you always knew the right thing to say ,now you're gone leaving me  broken beyond repair , I know life was tough on  you ,I know you needed relief, relief from a world that  kept you dormant ,I know I'm selfish for wanting you to stay but I can't imagine how I'll survive this world without you, my world is no longer complete ... I don't know how ...to fill this empty space that you left behind, I no longer know how to laugh without you , dream without you ... I'm at this point where I feel like I'm a stranger to myself  .. I see my reflection and it makes me wonder , my thoughts they bring tears to my eyes ,oh mama , you were my first love, my first friend even my first enemy, but nothing on this earth can separate us not time ,not space not even death .  I'll see you again mama for now rest peacefully , you're always in my heart and always on my mind  love you always your baby Yana..

A Jackman
Mar 2020 · 128
Giving up
Ayana Mar 2020
Giving up
I knocked on deaths door knowing exactly what I was looking for,I offered myself upon a platter ,but it made no difference, I didn't matter , death send me packing before I even made it halfway ..saying I don't want you here please go away ,I was forced back to life feeling pure agony,as the cuts on my body continued to bleed and the sucide note I wrote lay mocking me ...but I picked myself up and pretended to be fine because when death doesn't even want you it strikes you Deep inside ,I just want to let go close my eyes,take a deep breath,I'm just tired of life ,I just want to let go and sink into unconsciousness after all wasn't I born to die?
Hurt#  Anger#  disappointment#
Jul 2018 · 289
Nostalgia
Ayana Jul 2018
Nostalgia

Similar ways , similar game,  similar pain ... you said you were different but you're definitely just the same....

Familiar ways , familiar pain , familiar place, familiar shame....

You know my name ..you know my face..... you claimed that you knew me.. but you obviously Don't....

Guess I must be crazy ... crazy to think  that things were just a little hazy......or you must be crazy ....or are we both crazy....

A. Jackman
Thanks for reading ..much like I have someone to talk to ...
Jul 2018 · 357
Stagnant love
Ayana Jul 2018
Stagnant love
I don't know what we have ,is it something true,does it happen to have a definition.....

Is it more than just physical attraction....

Can I surrender my insecurities to you......

Will you accept my flaws.. Or will you push me away....

I'm not perfect I give what I can ... And remain rejected

I'm at a point in my life where I longed to be.....now I'm still sorrowful....

My emotions are misinterpreted .... And my efforts are the last to be noticed....

I'm tired of feeling sad and alone.......

I prayed for the moment we would share our feelings.....

Is it that we wanted something so bad that when we get it we forgot the reason why we longed for it....

I wonder if we are meant for each other......

Sometimes I'm torn ,depressed and confused....weary from over thinking......

So many things kept us apart ,but for some reason we are drawn to each other...

Like magnets our paths collide... Hanging on by the very thread of our curiosity...

Curious to be loved by you willing to share my darkest secrets but scared .....that you might reject me too....

I wish that I could make sense of my pain.....wish I can make you understand that this isn't infatuation...

And though we might never be together .....forever ....

I'll always have a place in my heart .....where your name is tattooed...

Just never forget that my every moment spent with you is all the best memories of my life.... Loved  and cherished......

I'll leave behind my smile to remind you that you were my joy and the reason for my happiness...

Its the wanting you.... never getting you... that keeps me wanting  you...

You inspire me and without you my world would be empty and lost ...


But you'd be fine without me because you're everything  I'm not my love....

A.Jackman
Struggles of love
Jan 2018 · 412
Quintessential
Ayana Jan 2018
Quintessential
Her dark ***** curls .....guards her head ....clings to the core of her endless reality .....it's her beauty....

Her eyes over look the world with such empathy ...her wits are the very thing that makes her unique..... she's beautiful.....

Her lips speak only of cheer ...the light pink color of her lips ..... Cast a charm on every lustful eye.... It's what makes her beautiful.

Her skin ..... unblemished ...Soft... Glows.... It enchants all.... she's poised .... this is beauty....

Her body .... perfect in it's imperfection .... she's unapologetically herself ...she is the essence of beauty....

A.Jackman
Sometimes we need to forget what people think and say about us and discover your own beauty we're all uniquely beautiful .. and everything begins with inner beauty.
Jan 2018 · 510
Untitled
Ayana Jan 2018
I love you but I hate you....

I want to hurt you... make you feel my pain.. but I can't find myself to...

Why do we fight when all we want is each other...

I swear Ill love you till death and in death

I don't blame you for hating me ....I always try so hard in turn it blows up in my face and others...

My anger **** it ....it keeps me back...my big mouth... Why can't I let sleeping dogs lie...

Then there's my what ifs .... Sometimes I'm worried that my mind and heart will never agree on anything constant competition....

Everything good seems bad ..I'm confused and sometimes I try to convince myself that everything will be okay but it's even harder to believe...., me....

A.Jackman
Sometimes we try so hard to end up failing  in the long run.
Jan 2018 · 354
Bitter sweet
Ayana Jan 2018
Bitter .. sweet ...

As I lay on my bed my thoughts  are uneasy ...... Tears welled up in my eyes.... I lay with no conviction........

My mind ponder on my fears....they've gotten the best of me.......

I hope to heaven that my  night mares would never be a reality ......

A prayer on my lips to keep me going cause life can leave you so bitter....

Bitter ...Sweet.... you accept .. you acknowledge and hope that today might just be your day...

A.Jackman
Jan 2018 · 243
Walk it out
Ayana Jan 2018
I've been giving it my all ...so focused ... room for disappointment ...

Broken down.... My flame burned out.... But I keep moving unafraid ....

My skin aches.... bruised ,beaten but my hope unshakable.....

Through my ups and downs I know I'm going to be alright....

Through my despair  and heart ache I see sky's of blue and green
grasses too... I know all my pain wasn't felt in vain.....

A.Jackman
Jan 2018 · 236
Secret life
Ayana Jan 2018
Secret life
A seed tossed out because no one knew the value of it.....  left to be eaten by animals ........

The wind ..... Felt but not seen how amazing .... Came across this little seed ...

And thought useless little thing and because of its pride.....cast the little seed from its path....
But that was the beginning of beauty...

The sun rose one morning rays of beauty and charm filled the faces of every living creature ... Saw this little seed and felt sad ...

It was all alone ...the sun decided to share its lustful rays .....every morning as it rose it would share its warmth With this little seed....

In a few days this seed grew into a little rose bush ,held with beauty , every eye that beheld its beauty was left astonished.....

The sand embedded its grains tightly around this rose bush ..... Feeding its roots that went deep into the depths of the earth in search of the best ......

The clouds looked down and beheld beauty that it has never seen before.....

And decided that it was going to give this little rose bush all the water that it needs....

Time took hold of the days and turned them into months...

The little rose bush grew beautifully ,the thorns would protect the blossoms and its branches from whatever may try to harm the very body of its life...

The wind blew by one evening remembering the little seed that is now the most beautiful sight.....

Furious and filled with anger... released its wrath upon this little rose bush... It was going to destroy everything that stood in its path.....

The wind blew with its might ...beautiful I say but deadly.... Trying to up root the little rose bush ....the leaves of the little rose bush clung to the branches the ,the thorns formed a shell over the the roses ....

The stems bent to the ground because of wrath of the wind... Forcing them to brake but the stems refused .....

The roots grew larger and went further into the depths of the earth ...... The sand refused to be broken..... it held on to roots With all its might

The wind blew and blew but the little rose bush was still standing more beautiful than ever.....

The wind exhausted and stained with defeat ,anger and pride gave up it's fight against the little rose bush charmed with unimaginable beauty ....left the little rose bush and stormed away....

A.Jackman

— The End —