From the first second I saw you
My heart wants to tell you
about what it feels
about how it knew
a crazy love for you.

I see you in the street
Snow and cold winds
Your smiles melt everything
They keep me thinking
and then make me miss.

Every word you speak
turns into melodies
of a song I sing
about new romantics.

I knit my love
into a sweater
to give you this Chritmas
with a poem above
like a love letter.

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

this isn’t going to make sense
cause it’s not supposed to
and if I’m being honest
this isn’t for you
it’s not even for me

I’m stuck
I’m trapped
I’m lost
I’m every other word that describes people who feel at a dead end

I’m typing on a ****** phone
That’s connected to a ****** connection
That could possibly be a metaphor for my life

I’m writing
Because I don’t know what else to do

I’m writing
Cause that’s what they told me to do

But they also told me that what I think isn’t always true
That I’m special and I just don’t see it

But that’s the thing
I don’t see it

And if I don’t see it then why should it matter if anyone else does

And if I’m thinking something why should it matter if it’s true

What matters is that it’s in my head
What matters is that it’s always there

But here I am
Stuck in the same place
Back to square one
No progress made
The same questions, whether true or not

Will I amount to anything?
Do I really help?
Am I really worthwhile?
Do you actually care?

I see these people
When I’m online
They smile and post
They edit and pose

I can’t help but wonder

Do you really smile, or do you just do it to look happy like me?
Do you really feel happy, or are you trying to lie like me?
Do you understand what I feel?

Or is it just me?

I’m not trying to be selfish
I don’t want a lot
I just want to be happy
And I want others to be happy with me
But neither is happening

So instead there’s a poem
That doesn’t even ryhme
That makes no sense
  I’ll try harder

Every time,

Everytime someone asks
a question
Any question; I freeze.

Mind fades
Neurons vanish
Oblivion brightens
Like the beginning of a DMT trip.

It needn’t be arithmetic
It needn’t be  my love life
It needn’t be about the speed of waves in Red Sea.

Sometimes a Split Second
Sometimes an Eternity.

If there’s a question
Marking the end of your sentence
You better not ask me.

O, So many questions left unanswered
When I go to heaven, God's bound to ask another!

And when I tell you I cheated on you,
I’ll say, it feels better than feeling nothing.

Confession, me? Could I repent my time
And weary be, my pupils then to see
far-gone the dreams, beheld and shined my prime
it's all it seems, to rest and die with me.

Invent a past? The silence is the truth
and took at last, my pain where I had asked
goodbye old sun, the veil of haunted youth
the sorrow won, there I am now to cast.

One only song? Another may have sung
that here i'm strong, and here I could belong
to live by means, that spring the hearted young
my heart it cleans, the journey I prolong.

Yet here I lay, to burn in bright of day
I yearned the way, to rise but here I stay.

this morning
i am stuck

i am stuck
between
Blue
and
Pink

every morning
i face the same decision
and ask the question
how do i feel today?

and every morning
i struggle
not because i cant find the answer
but because im scared of it

because i know
that i cant be Purple
thats too confusing

but i feel Purple