we can all pretend we’re perfect
that church ain't worth it
that drugs and alcohol make us worthy
wait
worthy of what a debate?
so what’s on your plate?
nothing but emptiness and hate
and that’s great
at least i know why you treat me this way
so here’s to saying i’m no different
drugs and alcohol
i’m with them
and i can’t change even if i tried
but wait
what do i have to change
you don’t even know me
but you pretend i’m the only one who’s gone through the worst
me?
i’m flattered but
you see
i’m just a stereotype
trying to get past
but i get beat down by the headlights
i’m a drive by
trying to drive by my future
but i can’t
because my past is trying to tell me that i’m horrible
but i can’t
i can’t stand that people try to tell me who i am
i can’t stand that i’m horrible
for telling you who i am
and on land
i’m a bad influence
but in water
i’m the man
you don’t understand
that i’m a fish trying to find it’s way in the ocean
and those mistakes
are just my gills
i breathe them in and stop breathing
because someone is always pulling me out of water
it’s like the Mexican border
Protected by what's within
it’s a sin
for me to be where i’m supposed to be
but see
it’s not me
it’s the stereotype
and its trickery
it makes you think that you know me
but what you don’t see
THAT’S NOT THE WORST THING THAT’S HAPPENED TO ME
so let me be
let me speak
i have to get it out of me
that hate in my gills shouldn't be there when i breathe
so go ahead and stereotype
but i’m not the only one who has to get something off my chest
but i’m the best
because I've made it through every test
and though you think you can bring me down
I've made it through every test
**so let me speak before you think i’m just the same as the rest

One two three four
Turn around and shut the door
Five six seven eight
You say you love me
But now it's too late…
amanda
my never ending story begins here.
when i was in 7th grade
i would go on webcam with my friends
so i could meet and and talk to new people
and the compliments did not end…
then…
someone said
“show me a little more of your beauty”
i was in seventh grade
nieve i didn’t care
then 1 year later
a facebook message told me
that picture is still there
amanda
the man who sent this message to me
new everything about me
how he got that information
i don’t know
but on christmas break
i didn’t think anything of it
it was too late
for him to do anything
my life was great
but a knock knock knock at 4 am
change the way i felt
my picture was sent to everyone
i felt like i was in hell
this lead to anxiety
all the time i tried to hide me
amanda
didn’t want to go out in summer
because i knew that mistake would find me
amanda
and it did
it found me in different substances and alcohol
my anxiety got worse than it ever was before  
a year past and the man sent me the list of my new school and friends
just when i thought the torcher would end
but it got worse
this time it was a facebook page
the picture of my “beauty” was his profile
i
amanda
cried every night
lost my friends and respect again
walked down the hall being called names
being judged
again
i would never get that photo back
it was out there forever
so i started to cut
and i promised myself never
i had no friends
sat at lunch alone
so i moved schools again
just to be alone
but it was better this time
a month later i started talking to an old friend
he was a guy
we texted back and forth
and it was kinda nice
but then it got better
and he said he liked me
but he had a girlfriend
but he still liked me
so one day he said
“come over, my gf is away”
so like the teenager i was
i
amanda
made a mistake
we
got together
i thought he liked me
but just like every other
that mistake found me
one week later he texted me
amanda
saying
“get out of your school amanda ”
his gf and fifteen others came to find me
amanda
her and to other just stood there and said nobody liked me
amanda
a guy said in the background
“just punch her already”
so she did
she threw me to the ground
and punched me
amanda
over and over again
but the worst part was it was taped
and i was left there
alone
amanda
a joke in this world
nobody deserved this
this hurt of the world
i lied and said it was my fault
that i told him to do it
i didn’t want him to get hurt
and it’s no different if they put me through it
because i thought he liked me
amanda
there was one person in the world
who like me
but he just wanted what i could give him
so i just layed in a ditch all day
feeling like nothing was right
until my dad found me
and brought me home that night
i wanted it to be over
i wanted to stop the pain
so when i got home i drank bleach
and thought the pain would go away
it killed me inside but not out
so the ambulance came
and saved me
but i was still dead without a doubt
because on facebook
they said
she deserved it
i hope AMANDA is dead
and i tried so hard but i couldn’t get those words out of my head
and i didn’t want to press charges so i changed schools instead
i
amanda
just wanted to move on
but i was being tagged with pictures of bleach on facebook
how could i
they wanted me gone
i
amanda
a person
made a mistake
and on my story video
the comments
i could not take
the last words i read were
darwin at it’s best
but i’m just amanda
no more perfect than the rest

mother
why can't i just run away
father
why can't you just stay
friends
why can't you believe me when i say
there is somthing i've never done
i'm not a victim of that way
society
why can't i just be who i am
just because i'm not famous
and know where i stand
world
why do you let people
**** there own people
has it really come to that?
kids
having birthdays in hospitals
without their whole family there
because thier country
doesn't know who to fight
why can't we all help them there?
who else knows about the trubles
in syria
killing there owm
who else is acually going to
"save the children"
why can't we give those children
a safe home

i hide under my blanket
wondering when the angels will come back to me
i wait at the window in the middle of the night
and still feel the demon beside me

please don't forget me dear angel
please tell me what i have done
don't say it's something i did
because i did what has to be done

let the spots surround me in my nightmares
without any control
be the withered flower in my hand
the only need is to let go

if you don't want me dear angel
and forget to come to my side
i shall put a forget me not on the window
and pray that you remember to stop by

it's been a year I've though about doing it again
i'm trying not to think about it

it's been four years since my dad hit me
it didn't even hurt
but you know what they say
it's the thought that counts

i hate trying to speak when no one is listening
every time i say something
all you hear is a whistling
that's my father trying to find anything wrong
like when i told him i couldn't write a song
for the church i do everything for

i saw the look of despair
and from that day on
it was like i wasn't even there

i did an experiment
when i was 11
i would wait until everyone went downstairs
and i wanted to see who would notice first

but what once was an experiment
turned into something more
ever since i stopped
i found myself wanting more
and for now it's just a thought
but i wanna go back

**i really do

I wonder what would happen if i bleached my skin
What kind of twisted world i would live in
If one day i decided to do what the world demanded
And strip my melanin

I wonder what would happen if i burnt my hair to a crisp
If barbie doll hair was on my birthday wishlist
If one day i suddenly looked like
Taylor swift

The problem with this fowl dream
Is that it’s forgetting one thing
The thing in which i live and breath
My sanity

If one day i bleached my skin
And society decided to let me in
I would have tarnished God's creation
For equality
unnecessarily demanding humane unity
And Maybe if i bleach my skin
An officer wouldn’t shoot me
But What should be happening is me taking a stand
And saying it’s not him against me
But us against the hatred that makes individuals choose me
Single me out because of my skin
Fearing me because i’m chock full of melanin
Saying #allLivesMatter instead of #blackLivesMatter because if we let one house burn the rest of the town wins
But at the bottom of this is was and always will be hatred
And just because your side of the boat doesn’t have a hole doesn’t mean we’re not all sinking
So i suggest you do something.

trust
once you have mine
i have to start over
trust is an addiction
and i'm trying to get sober
the trusted know you the most
and no one really knows me
i can't trust you with my life
because when i'm dead it'll be on me
my secrets are mine
and mine only

to me
trust is a bridge
you know i can cross to your side
but you can't come to mine
because two half's don't make a whole
they make another line
so maybe next time

i don't know why i'm like this
speechless
walking around with four walls around me
leadless

whatever happened to me
to make you untrustable to me
i know
i sorry
it's wrong
though i can't trust you
you can trust me
because *i know that i can belong

but i can't let you have my trust
i can't start over
i can't get addicted again
*i have to get sober

Learning to accept myself
the way God created me
that's my mission
My priority

as you are reading this poem
another kid has committed suicide
another kid is being bullied
and there's another kid on standby.
another kid waiting for someone else to help out
another kid walks away
listening to their screams and shouts
someone will help out someday
this is how it happens
the kid who's abused at school
is the kid who's abused at home
and you wanna help out
but you wanna be left alone
and you think it has nothing to do with you
your not a bully
so it's not your problem
but you're worse then the bully
pushing them around
because your standing right behind them
you're afraid to stand up
because they'll push you back down
you're afraid to get their face out of the dirt
because they'll push your face in the ground
but the standby bully is the worst of all
you choose nothing
out of everything you could do
if you were on the ground
you wouldn't be thinking like that
would you?
so today
is another day
where a kid commits suicide
another kid is bullied
but it's safe for you
on standby

pretty little girls
making it in the high heeled world
picture of health
when they’re really starving themselves
pretty little girls
looking at the scale and cry
perfect on the inside
makeup on the outside
pretty little girls

i was up there
on the chair
feeling underground

they said i was the underdog
they meant i was a hound
i was up there on the chair
feeling like a queen overthrown by the silence
but you still told me to dream

i was up there on that chair
thinking of the writing
everyday i was fighting for something i couldn’t do
i was up there on the chair
thinking of you calling us family
but telling me what i couldn’t do.

i was up there on the chair
thinking of my face
every single cut and bruise
now it’s the end of the race

i wish that i could speak, but speech is for the important

i was just there

nothing but a stare

waiting for you to say “i love you”

but i had to choose

i didn't’ want to take all the mental abuse

so on this chair i think of words

big small

or not there at all

everything you should have said

everything you shouldn't have said

when i asked

“if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound?”

you said no

but you told me i was as strong as an oak

do you not here my fall?

are you not here at all?

“you wanted me to grow, but lowered my self esteem.

if you wanted me to be fixed

you shouldn’t have pulled me at the seams”

so now i’m up here on this chair, thinking of the words

all the silence

i just wanted to be heard

i

am

the chair

just like it does now

i fall

and yes you would hear a tree in the forest

**it cannot make it’s own fall

little dove
where's your love
where's the smile you're so proud of?
you know good and well you can't fly
without your daily dose of hugs
little dove
where's your laugh
where's your mouth thats fast
little dove
where's your love
where's the wings your so proud of?

do a little trick in the air
show everybody that you don't care
do a little trick in the air
little dove

see how high in the air you can go
see how low to the ocean you can flow
let your wings touch the experiances
little dove
let it go

don't let them win your eyes
there too beautiful to diguise
fix your eyes on the clouds flying by

to let your wings on the ground
is to say you never flew at all
little dove
little dove
you aren't that small

little dove
where's your love
where's the smile you're so proud of?
you know good and well you can't fly
without the love you're so proud of

the sun breaks through the clouds
a warm welcome on my skin
a smile breaks upon my face
a smile that stems from within
a memory of when we were kids comes passing by my lens
it's been a while
a long while
since we made crowns with dandelions

remember the laughs when life was real
we built each other up to feel
constantly free
neither do i

remember the times our friendship was strong
and nobody could tell us we were wrong
remember the pure heart?
neither do i

I guess reality can really be fake
we dragged on a beautiful mistake
and when reality came knocking we pushed it away

because we were best friends
but thats not an excuse

so when i lost you
what did i really lose?

Because i don't feel alone without you
and so
i built a home without you
and i never felt the need to cry
i found my own way without you
and i hope i don't distract you
i hope you make it really far in this life

and nothing in our friendship was really true
thats why i don't feel alone without you