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  May 2018 PEARL SMOKE
Benji James
Why would I want to be like you
when you go hurting people
the way that you do
You know I try, you know I cry
You know I really hurt
deep down inside
You know I hide, You know I'm shy
Just don't go throwing
things my way
Words can hurt, I can break
but I can't hate
Because with every word
and every breath
I know it gets harder
to get up again

You can bring me down
Leave me in shame
But I won't be haunted
by your game
The pain you leave
Will make me stronger
I won't be the victim any longer

You really don't impress me
with the way you act
So I'm just gonna keep walking
never look back
Soon you'll be the victim
of antidepressants
Razor blade cuts
Cigarettes and drugs

You can bring me down
Leave me in shame
But I won't be haunted
by your game
The pain you leave
Will make me stronger
I won't be the victim any longer

Don't you see
you're destroying yourself
But nobody can help you
until you help yourself
You shouldn't have said
what you did
because what goes around
comes around in the end

You can bring me down
Leave me in shame
But I won't be haunted
by your game
The pain you leave
Will make me stronger
I won't be the victim any longer

©2018 Written By Benji James
  May 2018 PEARL SMOKE
Stella
Pain
It’s all I know
It’s all I see
It’s all I hear
It’s all I feel
When will it stop?
It is slowly tearing me apart
The physical pain of my injuries
The mental pain of knowing I wasn’t wanted
The emotional pain of my demons
It just needs to stop.
I can’t stand it anymore
It’s there
Always
Subconsciously
I don’t know how to make it stop
It’s starting to get too much.
The pain of being abandoned
Ignored
Abused
Emotional and mentally
I just don’t know how to end it all.
My existence revolves around pain
I don’t know how to just turn it off
The pain of being unwanted
A shadow
Pushed around
It HURTS
I don’t know what to do anymore
Maybe I will just end it all
Or resort to harming myself
I just need to do something to end it
Or at least leases this feeling
The only thing I know is pain
I guess I’ll just have to live with it
It's true. Well, I hoped you liked it. Thanks for reading.
PEARL SMOKE May 2018
I’m not happy.
Neither are you.
Don’t lie & say you love me.
I don’t feel it’s true .
Just like you don’t
believe me either
When I say All I Want is you.

All I Want is to
Connect , Interact
Enjoy each other’s company .
All you want is
Intamcy , Seduction
Enjoy Eachothers body.

Im Feeling lonely.
I’m wanting outings & activities.
Your feeling Irritated.
You want Time apart & have fun with Friends instead.

I show interest & listen
When you talk.
I enjoy hearing your voice.
I giggle or laugh .
You show annoyance.
You show no interest .
When I tell you about things ..
My topics are unimportant .

My company does not
Please You.
You complain about
my every move.
My presence no longer enlightens
Your day like it once did ..

It’s easy to
PEARL SMOKE May 2018
I’m never out.
I’m sitting on the bench.
Enjoying the breeze.

Yes Again.
He’s gone M.i.a.
My minds Pacing .
Frustration is currently running.

My mind had dead ends.
Negative thoughts just bouncing & they’ll never stop.

I’m urging .
To Do anything
Go anywhere
Visit random places.
I’m so angry.

Nothing I can do.
Just sit & Wonder.
Overwhelm & stress my head.

As much as I know
He’s gone somewhere away from home with Friends.

I’m outside .
Every loud Roar
I feel it’s him.
My hopes are Still high
That he’ll pull in.

I’m really hurt.
So tired of disappointment.
I’m really upset.
Always Looking on the brighter side Knowing it will soon darken.

I don’t deserve this.
Why Do I go through it :(
PEARL SMOKE May 2018
Each tear that runs.
drop that falls.
frown i make
& Fists I ball.

Each Hateful Word
I say, Curse & Promise.
Each Negative feeling that Develops in me.

Every Time I Cry
“I want to end my life”
“There’s no point in living”
“I’m ending it tonight”

Is serious.
I’m guaranteeing
An end .
PEARL SMOKE May 2018
I’m feining
I can’t stop these pulsing feelings
It’s growth is sprouting
I don’t want it to eat me
I don’t want it to maifiest
When will my sobriety feel success
I’m tired

I’m feining
Will I give in again?
Will I restrain or give up strength
I’m hopeless
I can’t explain
Just please know this
My heart says no
My mind says yes
Which will win ?
Heart to zero
Mind & body equals 2
I don’t want this

I’m feining
I don’t want no amphetamines
I don’t want anything
Do you believe me ?
It’s not me
I don’t want to take ****

Why
Am I feeling like this
Why is depression getting to me
I feel sad , not purposely
Something in me is playing
Sad memories
I can’t stop them
I yell “Go away!”
They don’t move far
They come closer

I’m building a brick wall
They kick softly
The stones quickly fall
I’m using my strongest glue
But misery is stronger than
It used to

I’m feining
I’m nodding no
Temptation is starting to move
My head back & fourth
I’m not strong like I was before

I’m hurting
I’m not asking for this
Not asking for a hit
My minds manipulating me
So quickly
Very quickly

Should I just give in
Lose everything
I have nothing
A hit will make me forget
My life entirely
Care for nothing

No no no
Get out my head !
I’m 21 I’ve had enough of this
Please make it stop
Please remove them
I don’t like these voices pushing me to the edge !
I said no god ******
Leave me the **** alone !!!

God come save me
God you seen it happen
God if you exist save me
OnlI’m you know I don’t want this
Protect me
PEARL SMOKE May 2018
Im A fool.
I Dedicated my life
To some one Who Never showed me a reason Why.
I Gave Up My life
To A person Who Didn’t ever make me feel alive.

I Gave myself To Some one Who wasn’t meant for me.
I Lured A person who was clear they were never going to make me feel Like in movies.

I was Giving
My Kindness to someone
Who never was kind .
I Was Giving the best of me to a person who just
constantly hurt me.

I Chose Their Comfort & Wellness .
To someone who didn’t care if I was uncomfortable.
As long as they were.
But they checked to make Sure others were settled ok ..

I always have time for them. Even if I’m busy , I make time. I’m always available for their presence & Look forward to whatever they want to do .
Because they are important to me & I want them to see.
I’m There For whatever.

For someone who’s Always tired , Stressed , has no time , Too busy When it Comes To me.
My interests are always rejected.  They then get Angry Telling me I don’t care or understand how tired they are from working so hard all day. Who call me selfish for not thinking about them and things they do. I Can’t conversate with them because they want to sleep .

I Showed my Sweetest image to impress someone who never made me feel Worthy Of anything.

I Gave all my time to someone who Gave me Left over time.
I put Him first
When I was Put last.
I canceled my plans To spend time when he Wanted.
I was His last choice when he’s plans got canceled.

He pleased people
Never Mattered to please me.
He chose others feelings
Never caring if it hurt mines.
Gave attention to others
Making sure to stay in good terms.
Never payed attention to my Overall Happiness or cared to know if I was good ...

I stay home all day
Waiting to see him .
I have to cancel invitations if not he accuses me of never thinking of him.


He Works all day.
If Something pops I’m ditched without notice.
He goes m.i.a
When he pleases
He never explains his disappearance.

I Aruge over hurtful actions he’s caused. To him it’s nonstop **** talking. Always ignored , Left Unsolved.
My feelings remain hurt .

He argues over Me Constantly Bringing **** up.
Saying he feels hurt because I constantly run my mouth .
Refers me as so ******
Because I can’t let his betrayal go .
I’m forced to change.
From making him feel angry
To Pleasing him to be happy again.
Any typos Inform me!
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