goodnight scarecrow,
you almost made me love again.
my heart is too broken to nurse another injured soul.
one day I'll understand why we were lost before we were found.
maybe I wasn't good enough to love you from afar.
it wasn't enough knowing we are under the same stars.
we gave up too soon, for that spark to catch it's fire.
then as suddenly as we turned our back, the flame engulfed us all.

He's like a fever dream I woke from and can barely remember
On the edge of my memory
The tiniest sliver
It's been a few months
He got lost in the blur
All I can recall are his horrendous last words

'Hey, do me a favor. If you ever feel like reaching out, don't. I'll make you hang yourself on your feelings and have you look stupid.'

That broke something so deep seeded in me
Ripped out all the good I ever thought I seen
Three and a half years deleted from my brain
Everything fading until you've been completely erased.

the only comfort I can find in sleep tonight is the fleeting thought that I may dream of you.
and for a short time I might find myself once again in your arms before I wake to realize it's no longer real.
dreams give us what we no longer have in waking, and for some poor fools it's the only peace we will ever find.

is this what not good enough looks like?
it's what I've felt my whole life.
not pretty enough to keep someone captivated,
not interesting enough for a friend,
not thin enough to even like my body...
you could be everything someone asked for and still not be what they want.
when everyone in my life so far has only walked away..it's what I expect now.
but strangers surprise me still,
just once I would like to look in the mirror and see what they see when they look at me.
how is it so easy for someone that doesn't know me to see what everyone else has missed?
maybe that's the problem, they don't know me.
if they did I'm sure they would change their mind like everyone else.
maybe one day...

my heart is still bleeding.
the only thing separating my love,
its useless existence.
still beating.
this miserable being here.
still breathing.
when I only wanted my lungs to collapse,
I've waited so long for my last.
and it's ever fleeting.
a distant hope,
this breath may be choked
by this rope I dangle from.
untangle these heart strings to knot their beating.
love pooled on the floor in the stilled bleeding.
once again, silence.
love, forever sleeping.

home is a place that doesn't exist to me
it was where you always found me
I haven't been there much lately
always running away and imagining you being just as lost trying to find me as I am now trying to still find you
I'm sorry I can't stay there,
in all the places that I know you can't be with me
I'm bleeding, every part of me
and I don't know how to make it stop
I couldn't be ok if I wanted to

you stopped talking so I stopped trying.
it's a miserable existence to feel the pain of slowly dying.
and now we're trading indirect curses hoping the other will notice first and give in and say hi.
but instead we sit alone and suffer in silence.
just pretend that you're fine.
hide behind those fake smiles and blank stares.
the feelings will fade until you remember you care and you miss her.

There are monsters in the deep
That eat our secrets while we sleep
If they make it to the light
Will they betray us

Will people run away in fear
As the beast slowly appears
Or will they see the true face beneath the atrocity

All the pain so long held hidden
From relief that's been forbidden
Burdened by the weight of all its shame

Shielded from their frowns
By wearing someone else's crown
Answering only to the name that you've been gifted

He comes for her at night
His face an awful fright
Close your eyes and release him from his prison

As he ravages the town
For new secrets to be found
She wonders if her own can be forgiven

I will never have enough time or paper or energy or words to tell you everything I wanted to say to you but here’s trying..

how easy it was to sit and fill these pages
with all the words that I could never say to you
when you were still right here beside me
though never said that doesn’t make them untrue
I wish I would have said them to you
just cry it out right here on paper
even now these lines are full of doubt
grab a bottle and regret it later
we both know I’m still lying to myself about you
I never thought you’d be more than all you meant to me
I thought I had time
don’t rush in blind
I can write it all now
but I hope you knew
you have not only died one death to me
you die a little death daily
when I reach for you in the middle of the night
when I search for you in a stranger’s eyes
all I have left is behind glass and on paper
it’s your picture on the wall
not your face that I wake to
don’t take me back to times that were so easy
before life had become nothing but grieving
and giving up on harder days
I’ve become so numb that for a while I forget to hurt
but the pain always returns
I still don’t want to hear sound reason for why it happened this way
I’m sure I could’ve learned these lessons another way
I’m trying to find comfort in anything that makes me feel close to you
everyone comes into your life for a reason and we may never understand why they can’t stay
I still have the charm for the bracelet I never made you
I thought I had time
but all I have is this letter to you

we shatter ourselves into pieces every day and give those pieces away with every tear, every hurt, every smile, and every laugh. we leave pieces of ourselves with others to help them make it through their day. sometimes we give more than we should to those undeserving of them and sometimes we do not give freely enough to those who are worth so much more than we could ever give. but if at the end of the day when I close my eyes I have only small fragments  left, I will be happy knowing that the pieces I gave brought at least a small comfort to those that I love♡

that's how I feel about my life.
I'm not sure if it's even happening to me.
sometimes I try to curl up into a little ball thinking I can make myself smaller and smaller until I just disappear.
it hasn't happened yet.
I'm still here.
this is what happens in movies.
the sad ones that make you cry because they don't end right and you're left yelling at the screen because you want a rewrite.
where's my rewrite?
because right now I'm feeling like this is *******.
is this supposed to be what they call karma?
I don't remember doing anything this bad.
not to deserve my life now.
but life happens right?
and it's not fair?
when does all that good stuff happens to good people kick in?
I guess that's the real dream,
thinking that it's ever going to get better,
waiting for everything to work out and make itself right.
you found something you didn't even believe in and it was so short lived that it feels like it never happened at all.
and you're wasting your dreams now on something that wasn't real to begin with.
because it was all a dream.
and all you did was wake up.

and you wonder if they knew how close you were would they keep pushing
I'm no longer on solid ground
I'm balancing on the loose gravel at the edges stumbling
dangerously
threatening to tumble
spilling what's left of me.
Two years later it's still not good enough
Two years later and I'm not worth a ****.

And how could I ever compare when she hung the moon and I am only the twinkle of a star's reflection in your eyes.

until now I never knew you could actually feel your heart breaking.
it's a pain that's almost indescribable.
it's almost like a rope that is coming undone, as each string unravels and snaps, the snap is the pain that you feel over again until one day there are no strings left to snap and you're left with pieces that can't be made whole again.
that's what I feel my life has become, trying to make the pieces fit back together.

after all her anxious scribbling
while chasing late night demons dreaming
she looks at the sky.
now it's so hard not to cry.
heavily sighing, but why?
is it even worth trying? oh I...
I don't know, I think I'll
save my tears for someone worth my time.
your pretty face isn't one that ever crossed my troubled mind.
when our flaws were all undone
in this battle no one has won.
and the mess we made
lies in scattered pieces on the floor.
you know I've always played it safe
too afraid of all the words I really want to say.
because I know aliens are real
so I'll never wish on shooting stars.
I can fly away in my ufo
while you drive off in your car.
heavily sighing, but why?
is it even worth trying? oh I...
and I don't mind
saying I'm a little cray from time to time.
you aren't the reason for all my sleepless nights.
but when our flaws have come undone
in this mess we have become
our hearts now shattered, lie in pieces on the floor.
oh I, I think I'll
save my tears for someone worth my time.
your pretty face isn't one that ever crossed my troubled mind.
now our flaws are so undone.
oh, what a mess we have become.
has nothing else mattered?
we can't pretend quite like before.
my heart just shattered, is it still beating?
because I swear I'm barely breathing anymore.

You hold my lines in your hands
As I write between them
All of the things that I need them to say

You read the words
But don't speak their truth
They don't reverberate

It's like a film developed in the wrong light
You can see it but it doesn't look right
Or is it all the same to you

How does the building stand when her structure breaks
She wants to hold steady
But she isn't ready to hold all the weight

And there she crumbles
So you can walk away

I should’ve written when I was sober
but I couldn’t stay awake
this will haunt me when I’m older
or maybe it’s my fate
I can’t stop feeling guilty
for things that weren’t my fault
I know I’m not to blame
so why can’t I stop calling out your name
I stepped outside to see if the smoke had cleared
it still blurs my eyes
did you leave it here
to cover the tracks we made
to lose those memories to forgotten days
oh I don’t want to go back
but I can’t seem to move on without you
those words tear me apart
and I’ve tried to hide them in the dark
the moon keeps all of my secrets
so close you can feel everything
except the distance between us
too far gone to recognize
the pain we fail to realize
one day I’ll understand
why we were lost
before we could ever be found
I don’t know what day it is
I don’t think you’re here anymore
how can I wear my heart on my sleeve
when I don’t know what it beats for
all these thoughts that crowd my head
when I know it’s my demons I’m taking to bed
I had a rough night last night
and all I did was sleep
but oh all the things
your dreams can make you see
I never wanted to be wrong
I was with you all along
but the moon she keeps all of my secrets
I may never stop missing you
oh I can’t go back
and I don’t want to move on without you
but the moon keeps all of my secrets
one last goodbye
my god I still need it
but all I have is the moon
and she keeps all of my secrets

Hiding behind fake smiles
Sometimes that’s all you need
Take me away to some place where I’m not so vulnerable emotionally
Goodbye high times
We weren’t living right but we were living life
And I just wanted to know I was on your mind
If that’s my crime
I’ll pay it honestly
Until we both agree that the difference was the same
But I don’t even know your name

Were we always meant to wander away
Were things not meant to stay the same
For me, for me

And I think I’ve served it well
Maybe I’ll rest in hell
Put one more nail in the coffin
Like we did so often
Thinking it wouldn’t be the last
But we can’t outrun the past
And I heard you so clearly
This is not how you live happily
Never after the dreams you had
I always wanted more for me, for me

I'm not sure I'd call it fun for it often has me undone but I'm a writer
I could bite off my own tongue and still my silence would be sung through pen and paper
1000 stories in my mind if I could only find the time to speak my truth
This is not a simple ryhme listen as it takes hold, blossoms and explodes
This is my proof
But my words come tumbling out
spilling jumbled from my mouth in perfect chaos
I sift through the disorder
As I struggle against the borders that contain me
One day I'll find the words to explain how I see

Lost in their own message hidden among the wreckage is the importance of all the lies unknown to you

My mind interrupts my day whenever it has something to say and I can't fight it

do I really have to explain why I don't feel like talking?
do I have to keep telling you how hard it is to even crawl out of bed?
why do I still stare into the empty space you use to fill?
why do I have to be so repetitive about my mood when it's written all over my face?
why am I the one stuck here not wanting to exist at all?
I can feel the sadness creeping in at the edges,
slowly stealing my smile.
I can feel my heart pounding as it gets harder to breathe.
this endless day, I'm losing you all over again.