One day
I might find the words for how I feel
And as they pour out of me
There will be no way to stop the flood.
I’ve tried so hard, for so long
To hold myself together
And now I fear the damage that may have done

A little bit of rain is mostly harmless
But crashing waves can destroy everything in their wake
And I know the pain and fear I feel is violent
I don’t want to lash out and hurt anyone by mistake

I know that things are rarely ever easy
When a war rages in your brain everyday
But the guilt of struggling
When your dreams are manifesting
Is such a heavy burden when your soul is torn this way

I have always struggled with the big stuff
I feel so much, so often, it can be hard to breathe
But I’m drowning in my own ******* emotions
And I fear I’m now way too far out at sea.

I know this drifting is but temporary,
And I know I have to keep on trying to swim
Because the shore is far closer than it seems
And the tide will turn in a way that cam bring me in
But I feel my strength is fading
And the night is drawing in so fast.
I was never meant to be in this world alone
I carry too many scars upon my heart

I won’t give up today, if ever.
I owe you all at least that much.
I beg forgiveness for my self indulgent ramblings.
I beg forgiveness from myself for what I’ve done.

For now I’ll keep treading water
I’ll trust that I can bring myself back from the deep
And I’m grateful everyday that you are out there.
So that I can write this heartache and not just weep.

With love to you
From the deep.

I will find my way home,
As I have done
So many times before.
The path right now,
Feels dark and cold,
Yet some turnings are so bright,
They blind me.
But I know
That no matter how far I stray
Into this unknown wilderness,
Where my silence,
Can communicate as clearly
As my words,
That it is only a matter of time
Before the stars align,
And my next steps
Will be clear to me.
Even without talk of superstition
Or destiny
I know it will be true.
Because,
Even after all this time,
My path always
Leads right back
To you.

What is left for me to write
That hasn’t already crossed the page?
My heart aches for something new
Something real to embrace
To put into place
The stale waste that has captured my heart.

Time trailing away,
Waiting for things to change.
I want to adventure,
To explore,
To be brave and face all the things
I tell myself are for people with less fear than me.

Stuck in a half panic,
I am exhausted all the time
From a fear of everything.
But I want to feel something different
Excitement, hope, achievement
Change.
I need to feel something change.

I know the time is coming,
I know I need to wait
Just a little longer.
I need to hold steady,
Keep the fear at bay,
And when things change

Take the leap of faith,
Experience the world I want to see,
Be the person I needed,
Do the right things,
But mostly
I want to live.

Then, maybe,
I’ll have something new
To grace the page
I’m ready
To find something new to say.

I want something unwritten.

Screaming into the ether,
That’s all I have left.
I cannot be ungrateful,
For the opportunity that is dangling in front of me,
As it has been
For what feels like an eternity.

Time has stopped.
I cannot move forward.
I cannot take new paths.
I cannot build my future.
I am trapped in this bubble of waiting
And I can feel myself aging
As the world around me spins on.

I am hurting.
My darkness rearing its head
For another attempt
On my battle scarred soul.

I am not strong enough,
Not as I stand.
I have spent so much energy
On merely surviving,
And the ongoing torment
Of all the unknowns are weighing,
Far heavier, than I could have anticipated.

I am pained,
But the guilt I feel
By that little voice in my head,
That likes to tell me how good I have it
How fortunate I am,
How selfish and ridiculous I am being.

So I want to hide away
Pretend I’m fine,
I have no right to feel pained,
To feel broken down,
To cry.

I have no right to be hurting,
To feel like I have nowhere to go,
No right to be afraid,
That I’m moments away from becoming
Completely undone.

My illnesses taunt me,
And terrorise me,
So I’m lost and afraid.

I don’t have the words
To express the depth of this
Which scares me the most
As they are my only defence.

My walls are crumbling
The enemy has breached the gate
I’m trying to run
I fear its too late.

I am lost.

From the moment I knew you,
I have loved you,
In my own way.

In every happy moment,
In every single smile,
In every adventure,
And celebration.
In every success
And in every happy memory.

Since the moment I knew you,
I have loved you,
In every heartache,
In every illness,
In every fight,
And anger filled word.
In every failure,
In every moment of grief
And every unimaginable sadness.

From the moment I knew you,
I have loved you,
Even when there have been
Hours,
Days,
Weeks Months Years between contact.
I have wished you every happiness.
I have held you in my thoughts and in my heart.
I have only wanted the world to provide you with the happiness
You truly, deeply deserve.

Since the moment I knew you,
I was changed.
I have loved you as you have been
I love you now,  as you are.
I will love you for all you become.
Because in every moment
We are new and we are changed.
In every moment I get to know you again

From the moment I knew you,
I have loved you
For you are worthy of love, as you are today.

I’m no longer alone now,
In my dreams.
Now there’s a dark shadow
And it’s watching me.

All.
The.
Time.

I don’t have a moment’s peace,
As it follows me,
Judges me,
Mocks me.

It’s faceless
And monstrous.
A void of broken trust
And hypocrisy.

There is no safety,
No sanctity,
And as things stand
No way out.

I wake haunted
And scan the darkness of my room
Am I really safe,
Alone,
No.
I feel eyes on me.

The shadow is there
I can’t escape the voice in my head
“They are always watching you"
And I’ll never be free.

It’s a dangerous thing
Giving power to the faceless
But I have none left to give
Because it was taken
Secretly,  silently,
And I can’t get that back.

I am betrayed.
Afraid
And lost.

If you are so intent to follow,
And watch me,
Then I’ll lead you to the darkness
And you can see it consume me.

Because of you.

Forgive me,
For I have failed you.
I cannot spare the kindness
You so desperately deserve.
My words are vicious
And biting, as I dig deep
At the flaws I see.

I was trying to be better than this,
But somehow it’s got twisted
And I can’t see the good,
The positive,
The righteous.

I am judgement,
Where I should be patience and understanding.
I am bitter,
Where I should be light and thoughtful.

I am dismissive.
I am cruel.

I am disappointed.

I am not proud of my behaviour,
Or my attitude.
But proper apologies aren’t ready yet.
I don’t have the words,
I haven’t processed this fully.

I am all rage
And no reason.

I will try to find my way back to myself
Then maybe, with clear thoughts,
I can try again.