Looking back,
As I so often do,
I have two words to say,
Thank you.

I have loved you
For all the time I’ve known you.
Even after distance fell between us,
Even after the words in anger were exchanged,
Even after you’ve forgotten me.
I remember,

And I love you.

Even now,
Even though we never speak,
Never laugh together,
Never take the time to check in.
Even now you are half a world away
Living your dreams in all their glory.

I still care,
I still wish you the best,
I still hope you find your peace,
Your happiness,
That your world is beautiful
Because you deserve that.

I hope you never feel alone.
I wish you all the love
And kindness
And friendship you can find.
I hope they bring you joy
And peace of mind.

And if the world ever does get dark,
Or you feel lost
I always have my phone,
My door is open,
And my heart ready
To welcome you home.

I promise, you are never truly alone.

I hear you calling from the shadows.
I hear you say my name three times.
I turn to face you but you’ve disappeared,
So I’m alone and don’t know why.

The street lights flicker out and darkness
Has surrounded me on every side
I look for exits but there are none,
Not when I’m already lost outside.

I start to run right through the blackness
Hoping you won’t chase me through
I panic at the sound of every footstep
Is that just an echo, or is it you?

I reach a dead-end and I can’t see
Any way to get out of this mess
I feel you breathing right on my neck,
I crouch down and clutch my head.

I close my eyes and I can’t hear you,
I tell myself, time and time again,
None of it is real and you can’t hurt me,
Not when you’re already dead.

I open my eyes, the street is empty.
Headlights pass by and all is well
The dark is lesser now, I can see the stars
I stumble home, before you change your mind

I never wanted this to happen
You aren’t supposed to rule my life
I feel the fear well up in my chest
Please I beg, just let me rest.
I’m not ready to face you again.

The sky is filled
With the light of the moon.
Borrowed glimpses
Of days long since passed.

The night sky, a beacon,
Of a bygone age,
And like us,
A reflection of all that has changed.

I miss you
And the way we used to be.
I know that’s selfish of me,
To have once felt like the centre of your world.
To know that, at that time,
Nothing would have been too much.
You would have travelled beyond the stars
To save me from my demons.

But now,
No, it’s not fair.
You have a right to your own life
And dreams,
And the happiness I hope you are finding.
I see you smile now
In a way you have never smiled before.

I want you to know that I understand.
And that truly,  I am so happy for you.

I will grieve for that time
Because it was the closest
We have ever been in our orbits.
But as time moves on
I must accept this new phase,
And while you shine so brightly,
I’ll reflect on all you’ve always done for me.

I will try to share that kindness back to you.
And as the cycle moves on
And our orbits drift away
I know it’s not forever
We will find ourselves close again.
But for now you need some space
And I’ll try to reinvent myself
In  this new phase
As someone you can be proud of,
Who doesn’t need you,
Quite so much,
So you can have the time you deserve
To be you.

Thank you Sunshine
For always showing me how to shine.
***

It hurts
So much
That I can’t breathe

I can’t say it
Because that would be selfish of me
I’m not allowed to hurt
Because I’m locked away
In this privileged position
So I must be okay.

Yet deep down
It burns so bad
And I am afraid.

I smile as I should
And laugh at the jokes
I tell everyone to be kind to themselves
And try to push down
The hypocrisy of my own behaviour

I encourage healing
And time
And peace in which people can grow
Yet hide in the shadows
Stoking the very flames
That hurt me so.

No opinion
Or decisions
For fear of hurting you
Obedience
And sacrifice
That’s what good girls do.

But cages don’t suit me
And silence never has
I think the cracks are showing
And there is no turning back

The world is changing
My understanding is too.
I deserve to be more
Than this shadow of you.

Lazily
I sip my tea
And hope to drift
Far out to sea
In dreams of calm
And gentle oceans.
Rocking in the waves.

A soft warm breeze
To comfort me
‘Neath clear night skies,
And pale moon light
To keep me safe,
From all my fears.
Cleanse out my spite.

I pray please let me sleep.

The whispers of my anxious thoughts
Creep through the dark
To pester,
To haunt.
They infect my dreams
To force me awake
When nothing more
Than peace is all I pray.

So help me.
I need to rest,
The burden buried deep
In my chest
And none can help me
Be free of it,
If I can’t name the evil within.

So I beg of thee
My darker self,
Let me fall to dreamless sleep.
And then when I
Start to rise
You may continue torture,
With all your might.
But until such time,
As a long rest achieved,
I banish thee.

Please
Just let me sleep.

So patiently I wait
To see what form
My madness will next take

Between the nightmares
And broken sleep
I long for calm
A quiet peace

Yet shelters have become
Far less available
In the storms that have been brewing
For quite some time.

I feel the rain
Gentle at first
Leading me to a moment
Of ignorant calm
I can handle a little bit of rain

But a typhoon
Is another matter entirely

I beg for forgiveness
For something
That is entirely out of my control
Because “Sorry" is a word
That I know all too well.

I dig at my insecurity
Because no one should have to deal with me
So I start to isolate
Shut myself away
Locked in a room
With a typhoon
And no idea why I can’t breathe

So I lash out
At those around me
Unaware that the window, I’m looking out of, at them
Doesn’t show them the storm
That as raging within me.
And because I can’t open my mouth
To beg for help
They can’t see
How very lost I am.

But somehow
The storm breaks for a moment
So I scream, and beg and ugly cry
About everything that is drowning me
And in that moment
The glass shatters
The typhoon rages for all to see
My facade in tatters on the floor
My madness clear for all once more
Shelters are built.
Protections are forged.
I’m supported and strengthened
I feel brave, I feel sure,
And slowly but surely
The storm passes on
A brief hint of sunlight
A battle is won.

But I start to panic,
To wonder and fear
What if you all decided
To abandon me here
Who could blame you,
I’m broken and beaten
And I’m hard work to support
And I’m never who I’m supposed to be.
What if next time, the storm doesn’t break
What if can’t get help before it’s too late.

I don’t want to hurt anyone
I just want to help people heal
So please forgive me my illness
Let’s pretend it’s not real

I’ll keep facing the sun
Live my life true
And try my best
Not to burden the very best of you x

The words lost from my lungs,
Breath stolen by the virus
That has yet to cross my threshold.
But the fear and the pain,
So real,
On the faces of everyone
Just trying to make it through the day.
The same day
Just on repeat.
The same day
Just on repeat.
Over and over again.

I can see the pain
Through the screen.
Connecting virtually
With people who this time last year
I would wrap my arms around
Not a second thought to be had,
And now,
Arms empty,
Heart hurting,
I can only watch on a tiny screen
For fear of losing you to my selfishness.

They say there’s light now,
At the end of this long tunnel.
But at times I am so blinded by the darkness
That maybe I’m looking in the wrong place,
Because I can’t feel the warmth
That the light should bring.

I know this is not forever,
We will grow and adapt.
Learn to live and thrive.
Relearn to hold our loved ones close,
To sing our songs out loud,
To stand side by side together,
And feel the warmth of the sun
Without fear.

But in this darkness,
Though I cannot hold you close,
I’m right with you,
Walking side by side,
Just 2 meters away,
Just 1 phone call away,
Right in our hearts together.

We will get through this to brighter things.
I am right here with you
Always
***