i’ve given you so much of my time
and so much of my effort
i’ve treated you as best as i can
i’ve been understanding and caring
i’ve given you my all

i built up expectations
without even realizing it
and now i’m being let down
slowly

these past years
all i’ve wanted
is to know what it’s like to love you
and i know now

loving you is incredible
it’s like a breath of the freshest air
like a popsicle on a summer day
like listening to your favorite song

loving you is wild
it’s like speeding on a backroad
like sneaking out at midnight
like every animal in nature  

but loving you came with a price
it came with plans that were never completed
with “i love you’s” that weren’t returned
with texts that weren’t answered for hours

but loving you has been
the best decision i’ve ever made
and i’m going to keep doing it
until you break my heart in two

because that’s just who i am
and who i am loves you.

tonight i found out
that the worst i had assumed
actually happened

i don’t remember it
i blacked out.
but i had a feeling in my stomach
that knew all along.

*******.

there’s nothing more wholesome and perfect
thank you falling asleep
with your head in my hands
and giving me half-awake kisses

maybe i love you, okay??
not the type of love where i can’t live without you
but how the moon loves the night sky
how i love sunsets

the type of love where we could drive around forever just listening to music and that would be okay with me as long as i’m with you.

the type of love where i could look at you all day and not find a single thing wrong because i’m so ******* captivated by you.

the type of love you see in movies.
that’s how i feel about you.

everything about you.
there is nothing about you that i would ever change.

maybe i’m scared to show you who i am because it’s driven everyone else away in the past and i don’t want that to happen this time.

maybe i had more hope in myself that i wouldn’t drive you away, but i still managed to.

so maybe i love you.
but what ******* difference does it make

i don’t know much about you
but i’d like to think you’d love it here
the sound of the waves crashing
the shells that string the beach
the sand on your feet
i’d like to think if i found you a shell
you would keep it
and i would keep any shell
that you found for me

“i’m not upset”
i say as it feels like an elephant
is sitting on my chest
i say as i’m hoping that
the wind will knock this tree in my room
i say as tears are running down my face

constantly lying when i’m upset
to spare others with the burden of my feelings

i want to stand on a roof,
drive so fast i could die,
lay in the middle of the road,
just so i can feel something other than this

i know that healing isn’t linear
that it’s full of highs and lows
but when the highs are euphoric
and the lows are like storms
it’s hard to question if you’re healing at all

but there’s beauty in a storm
and euphoria can be addicting
that’s why rainbows exist
and why there’s drug addicts

we kissed
it was like fireworks went off inside me
i couldn’t stop

you’re all i want.

my goal is to take a picture
with you or of you
every time we hang out
so i can look at those pictures
the way i do at this one

flashbacks
your hand in mine
your arms around me
you pulling me closer to you
looking in your eyes
i haven’t felt this way
in a long time

you have walls built up
that are so thick
and anyone who tries to get through them
will be crushed

there’s a door
but it’s locked to most of the world
you only let certain people in
and even then
they stay in the entryway

i just wish that i’d even be able to make it that far
into the entryway
so i can see even a little bit
of the castle that hides
behind those walls

the snow is falling outside
and all i can think about
is how the last time it snowed
you were there with me

if you need a reason to stay:
think of all the sunsets you haven’t seen,
think of all the puppies you haven’t pet,
think of all the iced coffees you haven’t had,
or the meteor showers you haven’t witnessed.

think of your siblings,
think of your parents,
think of your friends,
they would all miss you.

i may not know you,
but you are loved.
you are needed here.
you would be missed.

i once saw this on a card
at the Museum of Modern Art
when i was 14:
fassen sie mich nicht an
“do not touch me”

no means no.
do not touch people without their consent, ever.

red was always your favorite color
now when i think about red
i just think of all the red flags
that i missed

i don’t want to text you
telling you i’m having a bad night
you’re with friends having fun
why would i burden you with my anxiety

you’re at your friends house
and i can’t help but think
the way i talk to my friends about you
probably isn’t how you talk to yours about me

you say that you’re not beautiful
but darling, you’re like an art museum
i could look at you all day

if i was loved how i love others
it would feel euphoric

i’ve never seen someone
more genuinely happy
when they see a train
than her

you can see it
her eyes light up
and she will run to catch it
drive 10mph over the speed limit
just to watch a train on the tracks

the smell of petrichor lingers
in the air

like the sight of you lingers
in my mind

pouring my energy
into something
someone
who doesn’t give it back
a losing game
but i can’t seem to learn that

i can’t stop thinking
about how happy you looked
sitting in yellow deli
eating a veggie burger

the way you looked at me
from across the table
and give me that smirk you have

do i cross your mind?

i cuddled you all night
and all day

my sweatshirt smells like you now

i’m the type of person
who adds too much tape when wrapping presents
because i’m scared of them opening up
maybe that’s a little representative of myself

the mess of her hair
was never meant to be contained
it was meant to go free
without limits
don’t tell her to fix her hair
when it was never meant to be tamed

i’m not lost without you
i’m the happiest i’ve ever been.

but if that’s what you want to believe
then by all means go ahead
you’re just mad that i’m better without you.

you’ve just been acting so different lately...
not saying long goodnights,
not talking to me as much.

is there someone else?
is there something on your mind?

just tell me already so I can get some sleep.

i’ve always loved reading about outer space,
the planets,
the stars,
the moons.

little did I know,
I only need to be with you,
to experience zero gravity.

To the two girls who are now dating the two boys that have impacted my life in ways I can't begin to describe:

I beg of you... treat them better than I did
Respect them, never do anything to hurt them

They can make you smile in seconds, and they trust you immensely
Don't break their trust, it's hard for them to rebuild

They've been through a lot, so be careful
Don't yell, communicate

They're the sweetest boys you'll ever meet,
Please don't break them

They may not be mine anymore
But I don't want you to hurt them

In an attempt to get over you
I slept without your sweatshirt

All last night
Without your shirt
Tossing, turning, waking up

Tonight, I gave in
Because I know that I need you

So here it is
And here it will stay
Your sweatshirt in my arms
Day after day

The first time I heard you say you'd leave,
The first time I heard you say you don't love me,
The first time you said you were moving on,
The first time you said you loved me; you were wrong.

Your eyes captivate me
And draw me in more and more
I used to hesitate on telling you things
But I don't anymore
You always know what to say
Though I may not like it.
My day gets better
When I see those hazel eyes

Softly I play
Carefully placing my fingers
All my thoughts drift from reach
As I play and play
On the violin of my brain

My own touch; undefined
By yours that is divine
Unsure how to feel
My thoughts take the wheel