CUTTING THE TIES THAT BIND
So I cut myself with a knife
just to see if I can still feel anything in this pathetic life
But I feel nothing at all
as I watch my crimson blood fall
I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in
nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing
I frantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate
self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state
Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes
but as if mocking me, I have to wait
relief comes at a price, a deadly cost
and reminds me of all that i've lost
tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me
I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free
one last slice, just to ensure
deep across artery, my blood pumps no more

My Journey Through Madness
#illness   #self-harm   #selfharm   #mentalhealth

MY LIGHTBULB MOMENT (Spiritual Awakening) BY KRISTIE TOWNSEND
5 July 2012 at 21:38

MY LIGHTBULB MOMENT BY KRISTIE TOWNSEND

Be careful what you wish for
for one day it may come true
I used to jest about my wishes
in a time before I discovered, just what Magick can do

Karma, I didn't really think that much of
and I'd never even heard of 'The Threefold Law'
didn't pay any attention to spirits
and I'd never considered that I may have been here before!

What the heck's 'The Wiccan Rede"?
Is it something I want or need??!!
So what if I should harm someone
Has this not before, to me, been done??

Why would anyone believe in what can't be touched nor seen?
In Perfect Love? And In Perfect Trust??
What's That supposed to mean??
And why should I read some poetry Written by a woman called Doreen??

Then In my light bulb moment, as quick as a flash!
I thought 'Now I see what the fuss is all about'
and at that very second, for Magick I fell hard and fast!
Saddened for a minute, thinking of what Joy so far I'd lived with out!

My only regret is that I didn't discover sooner, universal energy,
I should have walked this path long before now
For Magick and its power, have opened my eyes - OH and How??!! WOW

Some people think I'm weird,
Others think i'm mad
I came out of my spiritual broom closet
and for that I'm so very glad!

I'm looking forward to my future
with wide and enthusiastic eyes
long gone are empty days all alone
no more sleepless nights, filled with self-pitying cries

I'm the happiest that I have ever been
Thanks to energies that remain untouched, unseen
IN PERFECT LOVE & IN PERFECT TRUST
I will follow My Destiny, My Heart, My Dreams - I MUST!


by Kristie Townsend 12.11.08

cutting ties that bind - by Kristie


So I cut myself with a knife

just to see if I can still feel any thing in this pathetic life

But I feel nothing at all

as I watch my crimsom blood fall



I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in

nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing

I fantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate

self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state



Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes

but as if mocking me, I have to wait

relief comes at a price, a deadly cost

and reminds me of all that i've lost



tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me

I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free

one last slice, just to ensure

deep across artery, my blood pumps no more

I feel numb, stuck, trapped
My insecurities get worse each day
I miss my extroverted self
I don't know where I've gone?

I'm existing;  not living
I'm not unhappy, I am not sad
I'm apathetic : neither here nor there

No movement,  nothing changes
Yet my life, my home, myself ...
Have changed beyond recognition

I am using this nothingness to heal
Educate, restore, fix, mend
In the stillness, I find my soul
My brain refuses to acknowledge it

Mindset is in quandary,  undecided
Body is aging before my own eyes
Soul is vulnerable , yet open
Honesty is blunt, uncomfortable for some, but necessary

Old friends question and probe
New friends acquired along the road
Baggage weighs heavy
I can not put it down

These are the ramblings of the mentally unwell
Emotionally unstable, is my label
I wear it well: you really couldn't tell
Unless you are reading this

I'll pretend and disguise the panic in my eyes
Censor my language, no triggers spoken
Not to alarm, not to self harm
Just keep quiet, be good, continue to be misunderstood

HIT ROCK BOTTOM
I SEE YOU NOW, AS NEVER BEFORE
I TASTE CONTEMPT, SWALLOW IT DOWN RAW
WANTING, NEEDING TO SETTLE THE SCORE
TIME WILL TELL, WHO REALLY IS *******
YOU THINK YOU’RE “ALL THAT”
YOUR ACTUALLY PERCEIVED AS A ****
A *******'S DOORMAT
"*****, SWALLOW! IT WON'T MAKE YOU FAT!"
YOU PLACE YOUR BABIES IN DANGER
FOR A BRIEF DALLIANCE WITH A STRANGER
NOT UNIQUE BEHAVIOUR
YOU OFTEN TRADE FLATTERY FOR A ****** FAVOUR
EASILY LED, INTO NEXT MAN'S BED
***** ALIVE, MORALS DEAD
BELIEVING EVERY DRUNK WORD THAT IS SAID
WHILST PRETENDING NOT TO NOTICE RECURRING THOUGHTS IN YOUR MESSED UP HEAD
IF YOU CONTINUE
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE DICTATED TO
JUST ANOTHER RANDOM, EASY *****
LEFT FEELING LONELY, USED AND BLUE
IF YOU COULD TAKE A STEP AWAY
IF YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO WHAT YOUR CONSCIENCE HAS TO SAY
YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT THE WAY
YOUR NEON SIGN FLASHES - 'EASY PREY'
WAVE GOODBYE TO YOUR SONS, TWO LIVES TORN
JUST AS YOUR FIRST BORN
THE ONE YOU CLAIM TO MOURN,
TOO LATE NOW, APRON STRINGS FRAYED AND WORN
SAY GOODBYE TO TRUE LOVE
COS LABELS STICK FOR GOOD
YOU WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE MISUNDERSTOOD
NO DEAR, YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER '** FROM THE HOOD'
I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU NOW, YOU’RE NOT TO BLAME
YOU HAVE BEEN MANIPULATED, USED FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S GAIN
SOUL BROKEN, SPIRIT BRUISED
CONSTANTLY IN EMOTIONAL PAIN
YOU HAVE NO DIRECTION IN LIFE
EXCEPT CAUSING DRAMA AND STRIFE
THE ONLY TOPIC OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN YOU & YOUR CREW
IS, WHO IS NEXT ON THE LIST, TO **** OVER & *****?
YOU USE WHITE POWDER TO NUMB YOUR PAIN
WAKE THE NEXT DAY, HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME
OPEN A CAN, **** ANOTHER MAN, UPSET WHO YOU CAN

LIVING A LIE, YOUR LIFE IS A SHAM
YOU NEED A NEW PLAN - AS QUICK AS YOU CAN!
ARGUMENTATIVE, INSTIGATING THE NEXT ROW
I'M ASHAMED TO ADMIT THAT I EVEN KNOW YOU,
LET ALONE HOW
YOU MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL, I FEEL SICK NOW
YOUR LESSON, IS SIMPLY LONG OVER DUE
YOU HAVE NO SELF RESPECT LEFT AT ALL
IF WHAT I HAVE BEEN TOLD IS FOR REAL
YOU ATTEMPTED TO MAKE ME LOOK SMALL
LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, HOW DOES IT FEEL?
TURN YOURSELF AROUND, BEFORE ITS TOO LATE
AND THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU, REPLACE IT WITH HATE
REPETITIVE CYCLE, ON THIN ICE YOU SKATE
YOU'LL BE DISOWNED, ALL ALONE,  - STALEMATE
YOU ARE A ******* STATE, LOSING EVEN MORE WEIGHT - FATAL MISTAKE
ONCE MORE YOUR BABIES, FOR THEIR MUMMY, THEY PATIENTLY WAIT
HOPING THAT TODAY THERE IS FOOD ON THEIR PLATE
AND THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE TO SHARE, WITH DRUNKS OFF THE ESTATE
YOUR BABIES THEY NEED THEIR MUMMY
AND HEALTHY FOOD IN THEIR TUMMY
UNLIKELY COS THEIR DINNER MONEY ON *****, YOU SPENT
AND DRUNKEN ANGER & ANGST ON THEM, YOU WILL VENT
WHAT WILL IT TAKE?
FOR YOU TO SEE & ADMIT THE MISTAKE?
HOW LONG BEFORE YOU BREAK?
HOW LONG, TIL THE NEXT GREAT ESCAPE?
WHEN WILL YOU REALISE, THAT IT IS ALL ROTTEN?
WHEN YOU WAKE UP AND ADMIT, YOU'VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM
#low   #rockbottom

D.N.A RESULTS by Kristie Townsend (23.07.07)


patiently I wait for the pain to stop
for blackness to overwhelm my fractious senses
for death to soothe my destroyed emotions
for eternal silence to end my indifferent pretenses

but even drug induced comas
or the gift of life, twice
leaving my children, or those whom proclaim to care
are enough of an incentive for me to wish to remain here

I lost my daddy, Eric, Mr T
I betrayed myself, I fell apart
I believed the DNA results would set me free
instead they broke my fragile heart

But the universe and life unfolds as indeed it should
although not always as I would like or desire
and one day, when I look back
Im sure Ill be glad that It wasnt my time to expire

24.07.07 - by Kristie Townsend
3 October 2009 at 17:36

In a darkened pit
a space in which I seem to fit
despair, fear, my escorts here
and paranoia chased hard at my rear

been given a label
a title, of which I am quite able
to stick upon my frowning forehead
whilst still wishing I was dead

suicidial emotions
irrational words spoken
secret ritual, daily self harm
like starvation and cutting my arm

plaster on that fake grin
take it all on my chin
never to surrender, never to give in
for I am merely another child borne of sin

Where is my Mummy?
Where is my Mummy?
The terrified child asked, each and every night
Where is my Mummy?
without her I am afraid, please don't turn out the light
Where is my Mummy?
I'm scared...is she alright?
Where is my Mummy??
I am frightened, I need her to hold me tight
Where is my Mummy??
I really do miss her so
Where is my Mummy?
Where did she have to go?
Where is my Mummy?
Why did she not kiss me goodbye?
Where is my Mummy?
tell me please, and this time don't lie
Where has my Mummy gone?
did she leave cos I was naughty? did I do something wrong?
Where is my Mummy?
Tell me, will my Mummy be gone for long?
Doesn't my mummy love me? can she hear me cry?
Why did God choose my Mummy to live with the angels in the sky?
So many kisses & cuddles, yet to give to my Mummy, but now, how can I?
I see no stairway to heaven, and no wings have to fly
Is it because I wasn't a good little girl, Oh how, really hard, I did try
Where is my Mummy??
When will my Mummy be coming back?
Without her love, I am exposed, I am easy to attack
My Mummy did protect me, she made up for that we lack
My Mummy always took so much s**t and she never gave it back
Where are you Mummy??
I search for you everywhere
can you hear me Mummy??
can you hear my heartbroken prayer??
Mummy, Mummy where are you???
Nana said you'd gone to see baby Paul in heaven, is that true??
Grandad said that you were tired and needed a bit of a rest

I asked why didn't mummy have a lie down?? she could have used my bed
Robin sighed, looked straight into my eyes and said "Kristie, our mummy is dead"
The room is spinning Mummy and I feel really, really sick
Come and kiss me better Mummy, I really need you
Mummy please come now, I beg you, come quick
but in my heart, I know, my Mummy isn't coming back
My Mummy really has gone
I don't have a Mummy - She couldn't keep fighting on
I have nothing, I have no one - Maternal Love went wrong
I tell everyone and anyone - I don't have a Mummy anymore
I cry and cry for my Mummy - until my eyes and throat are sore, red raw
but it doesn't do me any good, Mummy doesn't live with us anymore
and gone are Mummy's hugs, kisses & smiles galore
Goodnight Mummy, I hope that you have a really nice sleep
I will always love you Mummy, and your memory alive, I shall keep
I promise you Mummy, I shall try not to cry
For your star I shall seek, wishing & wondering why
I blow to you and Baby Paul many kisses, Mummy
I blow them hard and way up high
I shall see you again, one day mummy
To you I will not ever, say goodbye
So many years have passed now Mummy,
Since you had to go away
and your only daughter still misses you
and needs you, each and every single day
I have to ask you though Mummy -
cos still on mind it does play
Why Mummy?? Why??
Why did you go away?
Why, Mummy, why?? -
Did you not love me enough to stay??

In Memory of My Mummy, SYLVIA LUCY LEDWITH (RIP 17.06.81)
#suicide   #dying   #death

Epitaph (by KT)
19 September 2012 at 12:11

Write me a poem.
Use the words you were born with,
The words you grew up with,
The words you speak everyday of your life.


Don't bring me a rose from a garden you did not grow.
Better the thick green stalk of a ****
Grown wild and unbidden
Behind the steps of your back porch.
Better a handful of parched grass
Plucked fitfully from your own lawn.

Write me a poem
And let me hear your voice.
Unsmooth, raucous,
Irritating as the sound of a rusty tricycle trundling by.

Let me see your face.
Scarred and uncared for,
Unwashed and unshaven,
Tender and sad.

Write me a poem
And deliver it to my mossy grave
With a ragged bunch of flowers
Planted and picked by your hand
And read me your words.

I WILL LISTEN.

And beneath the earth
And upon the winds
And across the seas
I will sound my applause
In the song of the tiny sparrow
As she flies forever home.

The Final Goodbye - Written By Kristie Townsend
5 July 2012 at 21:27

ITS TIME

This is it
The end of the line
I knew that the day would eventually come
When I got that call, it was time


The Can of Worms opened
The fear, The pain -
and all other unexpected emotions provoked
On the stench of death I nearly choked

Who do I now share with?
Who will hear my grief?
How will I ever heal?
on my own again Is my belief

I will see you in The Summerland
I will say Goodbye for now, Hold you tight
Share with you precious final moments
no matter who argues, whatever the fight

My regrets are plenty
my memories few
but at least I can say
that I do have some with you

This is my final line to you
My chance to lay to rest the past
I feel grief, sad and blue and also
as though I always came last

by Kristie Townsend (04.04.07)

Written in memory of My maternal Grandma, Kath Ledwith who passed away the day before. She suffered a very long, painful, agonising passing, May Her Un-tamed and Unconventional spirit now be at peace, free to roam, free from pain, free from the many hardships she encountered on the earthly plane. May the Goddess Love and Guide you Nana. Love you *** (P.S. I miss your Trifles!)

GRANDFATHERS WISDOM
6 July 2012 at 01:24
Two grumpy old men
One named Rolly, one named Den
Two authentic diamonds in the rough
Both made of real tough stuff
Yet neither would harm a single hair on my head
Never was there a truer word said

Both very proud to be a mans man
Both intent on drinking as much alcohol as they can
Both my yard sticks, by which, all males I measure
Both my darling grandads, whose love and advice I shall always treasure

"Keep your powder dry" Oh and Grandad I really DID try!
"Never mix the grape and the grain" these words I recall, as I recover from a killer hangover once again!
"No one likes a liar, nor trusts a thief" -" Its never too late to turn over a new leaf" Phew, now that is a relief!

"Hide your tears and smile, not matter tough this trial"- "always respect your elders, for they are who made us"-" Live and let live", and "always give the best that you have to give"
"Never, to yourself be untrue, no matter what **** you are going through"
"Keep your head held high" - "Be sure to look everyone in the eye"
"Never let those that hurt you, see you cry!"
"Time really will fly!"

"Play no part in idle chit chat or gossip, have enough about yourself to rise above it"
"Work hard, play hard, keep you private business confined to your own back yard"
"Home-made chips always taste better when fried in lard"

"Neither a lender nor a borrower be, unless prompt repayment you can guarantee"
"Love is to be given and returned for free,unconditionally"

These precious, priceless pearls of wisdom were imparted to me
By my two wonderful Grandads,
By two grumpy old men,
One named Rolly, and one named Den.

written by Kristie Ledwith Townsend in 2007, about my Eating Disorder.

17 May 2012

MY QUEST TO BE THIN


I begin to heave, to choke
Surprised? why? own fault!
Its all the food I've just forced down my own throat!
No one knows the true extent of my pain
Or how this self harm feeds my own shame
And, how I only have myself to blame

Sometimes, I even forget to chew
Focused only on ramming, stuffing, gorging
In my own nausea and self loathing I silently stew

Then theres the urge to run, for my own guts I must, predictably, spew

Its a welcome release, a relief
I'm clean, at peace, thats my silly belief
But just seconds later, those old hatreds return
Along with internalised anger, at my inability to learn!

New ways to release negatives are what I need
To My Angels, Spirits, Guides & the Universe I frantically plead
"release me, PLEASE, from this self imposed hell!"
"just for a little while, so I can feel well"


When I can not throw up I know what I must do
Buy Laxatives, how many? - a lot
And then Find a quiet loo

If they should fail to work
I always have amphetamine to give me a perk
'I'm an addict' -I half heartedly joke
As to the ribs, my conscience, gives me a sharp poke

I'd give ANYTHING to be thin and happy
I willingly embrace guilt, paranoia & being snappy

For NEVER, EVER again do I wish to be fat


Nor to be miserable, or taken for a ****








So until I find a cure


whilst my emotions remain raw


I'll keep popping pills, making my throat sore


Binge eating, looking to score, forever needing more








If I was CLEVER, PRETTY, THIN


YOUNGER, FUNNIER, HAD GREAT SKIN


He would have LOVED me, he would have stayed


He would never have played, the cruel games that he played








He would still be here, holding me tight


Loving me, soothing me, hearing my plight


Kissing me, caressing me, each and every night


Wanting me near him, keeping me in his sight








But I pushed him away, with my self abuse


Ha! or at least that was his excuse


He wasn't strong enough to see it through


He was not aware of the damage, him leaving would do








So, for now, I'll continue to purge daily, it helps me smile


for I feel slightly in control again, for just a short while


One day, when I'm braver, Stronger, Have a goal


I will break this habit, dig myself out of this hole





Failure to do so, I will NOT contemplate


I must seek HELP now, before its too late


I must do IT NOW, I must plan my escape!

FOR MY FRIEND.........By kristie Townsend 31.10.09

31 October 2009 at 22:06

I have a friend
my love for her, has no end
through all of the good stuff, and some times that are bad
she proves to me, that she is the bestest friend that I ever had

through all the laughter, and and all the tears
through the passing of the seasons, and of the years
we share with each other all of our hopes, dreams and fears
United, together we confront adversity if it nears

Through thick and through thin
at times when we lose and the triumphs that we win
my friend has been my constant companion, she is strong at my side
She provides all of the tissues, to mop up the tears that I've cried

Petty squabbles and arguements are only a temporary divide
all feelings of anger and annoyance are quick to subside
this poem is for you, my way of saying THANKS
this poem is for my mate ...............................??? you fill in the blanks!!

Lacerate
Her pillow covering all of my face
Suffocation.
Her tears suffocating me.
They won’t let me breathe.
Her pillow covering all of my face.
The more she tries to pull me out the more I sink into a worse place.
How everything started to get so morose in some robust planet in space.
Where I always took my time to enjoy my one and only grace.
Her pillow covering all of my face.
So I can inhale all her tears from last night’s race.
So I can enjoy the silence of our heartbeats.
Pace.
Will it get better by any chance?
Or any change?
Will we be able to embrace?
To watch her shutting down my full-of-blood face in one glance.
The sacred geometry of chance.
To watch her draw in silver then lick her sorrow as it turns red.
When my veins eventually got the chance to meet their soul mates.
When I got the chance to finally appreciate.
Appreciate the ray that is running towards me screaming love when we both know it’s full of hate.
Never thought she’d be hiding from me the key to my fancy world’s gate.
Her pillow covering all of my face.
Inhaling her tears.
But I always enjoyed shutting her mouth while listening to her innocent screams.
Then with one glance she was able to read my mind.
She knew it.
Knew well.
That If I died today.

Lots of aliens would be at my funeral.
And she’d tell them about the joyful memories she shared with me.
You know what *****?
Read it all over again.
Read it all over again with some serenity.
Read it with some dignity.
Sweaty rusty bed sheets covering her chopped body.
Fifty stitches all over her skin.
But her wide bright eyes will fix the whole picture and make it full of mildness and flaccidity.
Tranquility.
Then her screams again teasing my ears and starting up the electricity.
Running through my veins getting me thirsty craving for more intensity.
And if I could.
I’d replace my ink with her blood.
Because I needed my papers to bloom.
Turn it into a meadow on the shape of her eyes.
All of a sudden.
Woke up with nothing to look at other than the bathroom tiles.
Nausea, revulsion, disgust and repugnance.
With nothing to shorten the distance.
Until my eyes started screaming for more of my addictive substance.
One shot.
Got me into watching a huge fight between romance and brilliance.
Smudge my face with her blood and tears.
While all what were flashing before my eyes are the past four years.
Cutting my head open to enjoy the brainwash until something got me to calm down and bear.
A cup of our old cold drink.
Pouring it inside her lungs to drink it happily.
Then after I was done she smiled then spoke through my mind.

That gave me a new brain and a new key that I should’ve tried.
Went fine until I found the huge gate with no lock in it.
The bus stop that I wouldn’t want to leave.
Cause my tears won’t.
How will I do such a thing when I can get it all in one night even if I could hold it in for two months?
I’d blast myself to keep my veins full of that drug.
To keep my life full of that love.
To save me from her devil.
A construction of a maniac if you would have looked at it from a different aspect.
A sick puppy stabbed in the face with a flower.
A sign of loneliness strikes again.
But I forgot my shoes at the mountain while rethinking my future.
Dreams versus nightmares.
And the winner was her.
Orange and grey is all I can remember.
A beautiful abounded house.
I’d lick her fear within a second.
Eat her up then ***** all of my internal organs to build a wonderful cycle of admired calmness.
Black dress.
Warm cheeks.
Feeding the sad freak.
Hiding in the very first place that people will find love at.
Angel.
Everlasting one.
Holder.
Power.
The arbitrator behind all my happiness.
Dances for a while and then disappears again.
Light and awareness.

She’s the aliveness and energy controlling every apparent motion inside me and all motion in my mind’s motion and all mind is her mind.
And all my thoughts and actions are licensed by her.
Empowered out of me and returned to her.
She’s the correct consciousness of my mind.
Everything I see.
Hear.
Do or know is enabled out of me.
It is my mind and my being in use.
To end up falling from the furthest planet into the lowest ground.
To end up where I can never be found.
With her pillow covering all of my face.

Love causes confusion, written by Kristie Townsend (09.04.07)
6 July 2012 at 00:15

LOVE CAUSES CONFUSION..........
I CAN'T SLEEP TONIGHT, BECAUSE YOUR NOT HERE YOU HAVE A HOME,
A LIFE OF YOUR OWN WITHOUT STRONG ARMS TO PULL ME NEAR
I FEEL ABANDONED & AFRAID, CONSUMED BY FEAR
"I'LL RETURN SOON, HONEST"
THATS WHAT YOU SAID YOU'D DO
"TRUST AND BELIEVE IN ME, BABE"
AND I HALF-HEARTEDLY TRIED, HONEST, ITS TRUE!
MY SENSES STIR AND MY SOUL AWAKENS
EVERYTIME YOU WALK IN THE ROOM
MY DEFENCES ARE DOWN, MY FOUNDATIONS SHAKEN
AS I BEG YOU "PLEASE, COME TO ME SOON"
A PHYSICAL PAIN, THAT IS WHAT I FEEL
WHEN YOU ARE NO LONGER HERE
MY ADDICTION AND DEPENDANCY ARE REAL
"OUR LOVE" BEING JEPODISED BY "MY FEAR"
"OLD DESTRUCTIVE HABITS DIE HARD" SAY THE CONSTANT VOICES IN MY HEAD
THEY LEAVE MY EMOTIONS, MY HEART SCARRED & LONELINESS IS ALLEVIATED BY ANALYSING ALL THAT YOU SAID.
I TRUELY HAVE NEVER GIVEN MYSELF TO ANOTHER, AS I DO TO YOU SOUL MATES, BEST FRIENDS, LOVERS
I REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS THROUGH
I BELIEVE THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER,
I CAN NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR YOU
I WOULD WRITE YOU A "DEAR JOHN" LETTER
BUT I CANNOT, FOR IT SIMPLY WOULD NOT BE TRUE
I AM A FOUNTAIN OF SOPPY SENTIMENT
WHEN I THINK OF OR SEE YOU
PREVIOUSLY FULL OF RESENTMENT
NOW I'M FILLED WITH SELF DOUBT & WHO YOU MAY *****!
I HOPE THAT YOU ARE A BIG BRAVE LION
COS I'M SCARED ENOUGH FOR TWO
I PRAY YOU'RE MADE OF STRONGER STUFF THAN I AM
FOR I FEEL WEAK, HELPLESS & ALL ASKEW
THE CONFLICTING SWIRL OF EMOTIONS
I HAVE DEEP WITHIN MY CORE
ARE MOST LIKELY TO CAUSE A COMMOTION
IF I SHOULD DARE TO DREAM OF MORE
I PRAY DAILY THAT WE STAY TOGETHER
IF NOT FOR A YEAR OR MORE
HOWEVER MY CYNICISM KNOWS BETTER
MY PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES PREDICT THE FINAL SCORE
I MEAN IT WHEN I TELL YOU THIS,
FOR WORDS ARE ALL THAT I HAVE,
YOU GET THE JIST?
I THINK THAT I'M FALLING IN LUST WITH YOU
AND NO I'M NOT *******!
I THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE GIVEN ME
WHICH IS A LOT, MORE THAN I KNOW
I LOVE, HONOUR, RESPECT & CHERISH YOU
WELL AT LEAST UNTIL THE DAY YOU GO!

here to go from here?

Nowhere, is my greatest fear

Old habits die hard

Even harder for the emotionally scarred



Whom should I trust?

Will I know the differenence between love and lust?

Should I find 'that man', My Dad, the one I never had

Will it make me, finally, happy? or only, feel more sad?



What does my future hold for Kristie?

from ties that bind, will I finally be set free?

Will I ever meet a man I want to let close, & show him the real me?

Will I ever find true love? will it ever happen to this assertive, scary lady?



I feel as though I am in limbo

I don't know in which direction to go

Trying not to be inpatient, taking it slow

Searching for signs, for my purpose, I do not yet, know



said goodbye to some old faces

cya to some friends I thought I could trust

spend my time visiting lots of new places

keeping my head as ERIC free as I can, JUST!



welcomed into my life, Craig, Julie and Co

I love them like my family, I want the world to know

and from out of dark despair, when I thought there was no one there

Our Love, Respect, Appreciation for one and other, gets stronger and continues to grow



They chose me as their sister, a choice some others didn't get!

They truely love me, no matter, whatever the test results said

I think of them and they of me, each and everyday

Always honest, forever true, they never push me away



So some good has come from the bad

Happier times now begin, following on from the sad

Smiles returning slowly, but surely, look carefully

Starting to feel better, finally, and less poorly, Thankfully

Escape Plan (by Kristie Ledwith Townsend)
17 May 2012 at 06:39

I feel no pain,as I slice myself again


all I feel is numb, dumb, brains gone


disgust and loathing at myself, shame


not a chance of laughter, long gone, my fun.








when was the last time I laughed?


really giggled? until I could no longer catch my breathe?


when did I last let loose? Carefree?


when was my sarcasim, last at its best? dreft?





I look at myself in the mirror, what do I see?


who is that? eyes dead? lifeless, staring back at me?


when hollow, insincere words escape empty shell


I pray that today, I finally leave this life, my self imposed hell.








I've planned it now, my final goodbye


down to the very last letter, not even a half arsed try


yes I am thinking of my children, yes I am thinking of you


You'd be better off without me, without the damage you know I'd do








please do not save me, not this time


I want to meet my maker, I want to converse with the divine


I no longer wish to merely exsist, not on this earthly plane


No more shame, nor blame, not in this 'Townsend' name








I am being selfless, not selfish, please ,please see


I am thinking of us all, and not just pathetic ole me


Please don't mourn for something filled with age old scourn


For I will be glad, to no longer be , an involuntary Pawn.








I shall smile at the gates of heaven


if indeed that is my intended destination


pain gone, carefree, just me


finally I can be the spirit I've always wanted to be





if you think me selfish, if you think me bad


save that energy for something more productive


for someone who'll be glad you had


for that is a wasted emotion on me, I am not sad,


for at last feeling free, How I always wanted to be.......











Just me.......Kristie

For Frances-Lily Mills who was born on 27th September 1995
6 July 2012 at 01:16

Eyes so blue
Ginger hair too
Chubby cheeks
***** that leaks

Short fat fingers
Small button nose
Smell that lingers
Stubby little toes

A daughter to love
A child to hold
Sent to me
To teach and mould


Written by Mum

ITS ALL DONE NOW - BY KRISTIE T -12TH APRIL 2007
6 July 2012 at 01:04
ITS ALL DONE NOW, OUR LOVE IS GONE
BITTER SWEET, INTERNALISED PAIN FOR TOO LONG
TO ME IT FELT RIGHT, TO YOU IT FELT WRONG
ITS ALL DONE NOW, ITS ALL GONE


FEAR, PANIC, PARANOIA WON OUT
NO NEED FOR US TO SCREAM OR SHOUT
FOR YOU WALKED, NO, RAN OUT
BEFORE YOU REALLY KNEW WHAT I WAS ABOUT


ITS ALL DONE NOW
OH AND HOW, FOR LOVE, YOU DID NOT ALLOW
AND WE BOTH FELL FOUL
TO OUR FEARS FROM THE PAST, NOT WHAT IS HERE AND NOW


ITS ALL DONE NOW, NO MORE TEARS, NO MORE CRYING
YOU'VE GIVEN UP ON ME, GIVEN UP ON TRYING
I ASK, HAVE YOU ALSO GIVEN UP ON SMILING?
YOU'LL NEVER SEE, THAT DEEP INSIDE OF ME I'M DYING
AVERT YOUR EYES, NO MORE QUESTIONS, PLEASE STOP PRYING.


ITS ALL DONE NOW AND I FEEL WEAK
MY FIERY SOUL UNCHARACTERISTICALLY SUBSERIVANT AND MEEK
FOR IT WANTS TO GIVE MY WOUNDED HEART THE FREEDOM TO SEEK
TRUTH & LOVE, ALTHOUGH RIGHT NOW, THE PROSPECTS SEEM BLEAK


ITS ALL DONE NOW, NO RAW EMOTION LEFT TO SHARE
I'LL KEEP IT LOCKED INSIDE, SEEMINGLY NOT HAVING A CARE
BUT LATE AT NIGHT, I AM HAUNTED, TAUNTED & YOU ARE WHERE?!
I ANALYSE, BLAME, FULL OF REGRET & CONTINUALLY ASK -"DID I PLAY FAIR?"


ITS ALL DONE NOW, THAT WAS THE FINAL FAREWELL
MY VERY CORE, MY ALL, MY HEART BEING TORTURED IN HELL
I SHALL TAKE TIME TO HEAL, FEEL, RETREAT INTO CRABBY SHELL
WHEN, IN TIMES YET TO COME, & I BUMP INTO YOU, MY EYES HIDE MY PAIN WELL
FOR ITS A HUGE AND BLATENT LIE THAT I'M TRYING TO SELL
PRETENDING I'VE RECOVERED, MOVED ON, FROM THAT SPELL OF WHICH I ONCE FELL


ITS ALL DONE NOW
AND TIME IS A GREAT HEALER, OR THATS WHAT SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME
I WISH I COULD TRAVEL INTO THE FUTURE AND FIND MYSELF HAPPY AND FREE
BUT AT THIS MOMENT OF WRITING, I''M STILL WISHING YOU WERE HERE WITH ME
I WISH YOU COULD SEE
JUST HOW GREAT LIFE COULD BE
IF ONLY YOU COULD HAVE BELIEVED AND TRUSTED IN ME
MY LOVE WOULD HAVE SET YOUR SOUL FREE


BUT SADLY YOU DID NOT ALLOW
AND SO I HAVE TO REPEAT OUT LOUD
THATS IT, ITS ALL DONE NOW
YOU ARE ONCE MORE JUST A NAMELESS FACE IN A CROWD

ITS ALL DONE NOW
SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
KRISTIE BE PROUD
YOU CAN TURN THIS AROUND

ON DAY HE'LL SEE JUST WHAT HE HAD FOUND
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN HIS, IF ONLY HIS HEART HAD ALLOWED

ITS GONE -ITS ALL DONE NOW
LET GO - LEARN & GROW -FOR YOU KNOW
ITS ALL DONE - ALL GONE

i've decided to live my life positively happy
no more the victim of circumstance
smile and do the best that I can, always
Laugh my way through this merry dance

no need for more self pity
there are many with less than I
no more focussing on what could have been
no childish tears left to cry

I am the master of my own fate
my future, my destiny it does await
so i'll rejoice in the love that i feel
for my family, my friends, for they are real

I will venture into the big wide world
with dignity, pride & truth as my guides
my innate spirit is yet to be uncurled
from deep within my soul it idly resides

everything is well within in grasp
I believe in myself, finally, at last
no need, in greedy hands, do i need to clasp
insincere, negative energies that belong in the past

keep my eyes on the road ahead, I will
focus and achieve my goal
ignore words of spite, the less evolved have said
get myself out of this hole

like attracts like, that is a basic concept
and it is my fundermental belief, that I hold true
Negativity I will forcefully reject
in favour of experiencing what is underneath

for all humans have a heart
and some a conscience aswell
we are innocent at the very start
blank pages in a biography, no need to hard sell
I will greet each day with a loud Hello
glad that I am alive and well
I am positively happy, & a little mellow
I forgive & release myself from this self imposed hell

I trust that the universe will provide for me
all I need, to ensure I'm safe and happy
as long as i'm not too needy nor too greedy
as long as I no longer allow others to make me snappy

so today I place my cosmic order
I would like the universe to take note
a safe haven, love, prosperity & good health
Please place me on cloud 9 and allow me to float

Patiently I wait for the pain to stop

For the blackness to overwhelm my fractious senses

For death to soothe my destroyed emotions

For silence to put an end to my indifferent pretenses





But even drug induced comas

or the chance of life, twice

Nor leaving my children or those who proclaim to care

are enough to make me want to remain here





I lost my daddy, Eric, Mr T

I betrayed myself & fell apart

I thought the DNA results would set me free

and mend my broken heart



but the universe unfolds, as indeed it should

although not always as we'd like or desire

and one day when I look back on this episode of life

I'll see that it was simply not my time, yet, to expire

I begin to heave, to choke

Surprised? why? own fault!

Its all the food I've just forced down my own throat!



No one knows the true extent of my pain

Or how this self harm feeds my own shame

And, how I only have myself to blame



Sometimes, I even forget to chew

Focused only on ramming, stuffing, gorging

In my own nausea and self loathing I silently stew

Then theres the urge to run, for my own guts I must, predictably, spew





Its a welcome release, a relief

I'm clean, at peace, thats my silly belief

But just seconds later, those old hatreds return

Along with internalised anger, at my inability to learn!





New ways to release negatives are what I need

To My Angels, Spirits, Guides & the Universe I frantically plead

"release me, PLEASE, from this self imposed hell!"

"just for a little while, so I can feel well"





When I can not throw up

I know what I must do

Buy Laxatives, how many? - alot

And then Find a quiet loo



If they should fail to work

I always have amphetamine to give me a perk

'I'm an addict' -I half heartedly joke

And in my ribs, my conscience, gives me a sharp poke





I'd give ANYTHING to be thin and happy

I willingly embrace guilt, paranoia & being snappy

For NEVER, EVER again do I wish to be fat

Nor to be miserable, or taken for a ****





So until I find a cure

whilst my emotions remain raw

I'll keep popping pills, making my throat sore

Binge eating, looking to score, forever needing more





If I was CLEVER, PRETTY, THIN

YOUNGER, FUNNIER, HAD GREAT SKIN

He would have LOVED me, he would have stayed

He would never have played, the cruel games that he played





He would still be here, holding me tight

Loving me, soothing me, hearing my plight

Kissing me, caressing me, each and every night

Wanting me near him, keeping me in his sight





But I pushed him away, with my self abuse

Ha! or at least that was his excuse

He wasn't strong enough to see it through

He was not aware of the damage, him leaving would do





So, for now, I'll continue to purge daily, it helps me smile

for I feel slightly in control again, for just a short while

One day, when I'm braver, Stronger, Have a goal

I will break this habit, dig myself out of this hole




Failure to do so, I will NOT contemplate

I must seek HELP now, before its too late

I must do IT NOW, I must plan my escape

https://m.facebook.com/notes/kristie-ledwith-townsend/letting-go/10154005675635082/?refid=18&ft=qid.6333608038810724414%3Amfstorykey.680393228781998%3Atl_­objid.680393228781998&tn=H

Missing You
30 May 2013 at 18:52
I want to cry every night,
Because I miss the way we fight.

I pray for you every night,
Because I miss you not being in my sight.

I miss the sound of your voice,
That I am sick and tired of all this noise.

I miss the way you smell,
Oh that smell.

I love you so much I can’t deny,
For when I see you I will break down and cry.

For when I cry these happy tears,
I won’t have anymore fears.

You’ll be home safe with me,
That I’ll be able to sleep.

Oh how I miss you so much.

I’ll just have to wait and hope you will, keep in
touch♥

So I cut myself with a knife

just to see if I can still feel any thing in this pathetic life

But I feel nothing at all

as I watch my crimsom blood fall



I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in

nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing

I fantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate

self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state



Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes

but as if mocking me, I have to wait

relief comes at a price, a deadly cost

and reminds me of all that i've lost



tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me

I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free

one last slice, just to ensure

deep across artery, my blood pumps no more