jesus christ seems super nice

but only
when i’m begging for mercy,
when my hands are empty
and the quiet
hollows out my chest.

the name slips through cracks
a whisper trailing close,
like footsteps
in a house i don’t recognize,
a light flickering
just beyond reach.

and even as i turn away,
it calls again
the sound that lingers
when all else
has slipped away.

jesus christ seems super nice

but only
when i’m sad.

they say
“get better first.”
as if being
trapped
in the wrong shape
isn’t part
of what’s killing me.

i try to explain
that this body
feels like
a punishment,
not a vessel.

but they want
perfect answers,
perfect mental health,
perfect coping skills—
before they’ll give me
permission
to be real.

i hate
what stares back at me.
i hate
that i need a prescription
to be seen.

& i’m scared.
i’m scared of the mirror.
i’m scared of testosterone.
i’m scared
i’ll still be
wrong
even after.

because what if
i never look
like him?
like me?

but even more—
i’m scared
i’ll never get the chance
to try.

& that’s what breaks me
over
and
over
again.

i don’t
want to need
a pill
to feel
like a person.

i don’t
want to hate
my brain
for being
this way.

but i do.

i do.

my brain
won’t shut up.

every second
is another scream
i’m supposed to ignore.

it tells me
to hurt myself.
to disappear.
to stop pretending.

& honestly,
i’m tired
of pretending.

they say
“you have so much
to be happy about”
as if that erases
the weight
on my chest.

as if healing
is linear.
as if trauma
can’t sneak in
once the storm
has passed.

i really thought
i was better.

i was wrong.

& now i’m just
waiting
for the silence
to come back—
even if it means
i won’t.

If it was incredibly uncomfortable, there is a big lesson behind it. You are growing.

You are drowning me with your negativity                                                       ­                                               
Coming off you like waves soaking me                                                               ­                    
                                                                ­                                                          
I look for the sunshine, I long to see,                                                             ­   
                                                                ­                                                        
feel it's rays on my face & be happy                                                            ­            
                                                    ­                                                                 ­ 
You are the darkness, I need the light                                                            ­    
                                                                ­                                                      
You feed off me like a vampire at night                                                            ­        
                                                        ­                                                       
 Slowly draining me of my energy                                                           ­                 
                                               ­                                                               
Leaving me feeling weak & empty                                                            ­      
                                                          ­                                                            
You were a dark soul when we met                                                              ­                                
                                ­                                                                 ­               
That I couldn't help you, I regret                                                           ­             
                                                                ­                                            
You've one foot in the grave & one on my chest                                                
           ­                                                                 ­                                
You've taken my all & stolen the rest                                                      
                                                                ­                                                      
A dried-up flower I have become                                                           ­                                               
                                                                ­                                                  
 my beauty & scent are long gone