I’ve figured it out.
How to play the game.
How to place the pieces on the board
And get checkmate.
How to twist your mind into thinking something else.
How to manipulate your heart that you feel another way.
How to trick your body into saying “im full” when your starving.
How to lie your way out and believe its all in play.
How to see without seeing and scream without crying.
How to gaslight your own tortured traits.
How to trick your teenage mind.
This thing that I call a game,
something only the matured would master.
Is named, Your Teenaged Years.
And that’s how your play.

There is nothing of
this Not just a daughter, but the eldest.
Their relationship is held
by memory and pure strength.
Fights and tears.
Faiths and fears.
Their Heartstrings tied
  both growing older,
Together.
Going through adventures
And mistakes.
The wrong paths and waves,
Their love is strong.
The snow globe shakes.
And when it does,
We can see the snow
Spread around.
Life will shake and tap at their love.
It will try to take it away,
Put them through things that sometimes,
They think it might even be over.
But It's never ending.
all the arguments and yelling they can go through,
It won't break away,
For they are too strong.
And they are strong together.
So when a slow globe shakes,
The flakes with flair apart, but they
Always end up
Together, in the end.
And when it breaks,
Is when the slow globes die away.
But what do you do with the flakes,
When you throw them away?
They all go to the same place.
So they are still together
Surfing the next wave.

Your lips,
Your breath,
Your kiss,
Your stare,
Your weight.
Your lips as they brush against
My skin,
Ignite a fire inside and send lightning
To my stomach. You kiss so perfect
And so calm and compassionate.
As you touch me
The butterflies swarm my gut,
And a storm sent
From somewhere up above.
Your stare is smooth,
Your glare is something through
What others only dream,
And mine come true.
Your weight against me,
It builds up the warmth in my heart.
I look down at your face,
Your nose and lips.
Your eyes and brows covered
From the hood of your jacket.
Your lips sit
So Perfectly
As the weight of you layed on me.
You sleep, I stare. Admire the sight
Of what will always be mine.

From sill touch
To not so silly love.

The story
Of almost, every beginning.

the sun.
a bright
shine
full of life, full of love, full of hope,
full of care.
leads days of joy
and peace.
The moon.
a deep
wonder
full of still, full of heart, full of thoughts,
full of care.
leads nights of curiosity
and will.
the sun, a glare of reflection.
a beauty so strong no ones even laid eyes,
and a fear of nothing.
a heart of love,
built by gold inside and out.
and so much room in her heart
for the love of her life.
The moon, a one-sided window of secrets.
full thoughts.
with ears so great a mind so full
of all our wonders.
a heart so calm,
holes the size of craters
craters so deep
that they leave
history that is not erased.
not perfect in any way,
but can still fill a heart full of love.
the moon and the sun.
not much in common from the outside,
the sun looks fun
the moon looks quiet.
day with the sun
nights with the moon.
they never see each other.
but on the inside,
the sun spreads around life
and the moon is a good-listener.
the sun cares for the moon,
and the moon cares for us all.
and they do come face-to-face,
once in the evening. sunset.
and once in morning, sunrise.
and both times,
happens to be,
when the sun is at her prettiest,
at her state of peace.
at her happiest.

I danced with the devil because He had the prettiest eyes I've ever seen in my life.

the wings
of such a
quiet and
peaceful
creature,
makes you want
to Learn
how they do it.
the design
and delicacies
of such
hand-painted
wings.
there is nothing
deeper than
these things.
and as they grow
new new beginnings,
Their life starts to change.
they grow new homes
And houses and habitats.
They go through so much so that
In the end
They can look
Beautiful
And beauty no one’s
Ever seen.
and they have so deep of meaning.
Their life an adventure.
That’s why I,
Want to be a
Butterfly

i turn around
and He is there with me
every step of the way.
i turn around
and I fall
into His arms.
i turn around
and as I cry
He holds me.
i turn around
with my hand in His,
I turn around
and He guides me.
as I follow,
because that is His love.
His care, His joy, His peace.
and that
is my faithfulness,
knowing that He will never leave.
so I turn around
and He smiles.
knowing that I know
He is faithful,
and so am i.

you never know what they may be
going through,
because that smile and shine in their eyes
could be
hiding in the shallow shadows of their soul
a burning pit filled with darkness and disgust
looking in the mirror.

I'll just sit here, missing you. Thinking of these nights we could have, and how good I could treat you. I know you've been hurt but i can fix it, and i promise i won't hurt you or your heart, i'll be careful with it. I'll cherish you, I already do.  lock it up so no one can crush it, and when you're sad I'll always be there. I love hugs. I'll hug you all night and all day, and I don't want to sound desperate or weird, but I want you to choose me. Have my way. But you wont and knowing that i'm not someone you love, breaks me.

Your cries of sorrow are
a work of art.

I speak of what I've learned,
but I tell no one of the journey,
the mistakes
to be where I am now.
I tell no one.
but I will tell you, this paper.
When I was a child
I repetitively watched my father
beat what looked as future me.
who I wanted to be.
my mother.
but as I grew older,
I realized that is the opposite of who I would become.
I watched my dad get drunk.
he put this label on himself
that my family couldn't bare.
something I couldn't understand.
achohlic.
But seeing myself now, not even an adult yet.
and still, I have before been consumed
by alcohol, and chosen toxicity over purity.
let someone lay hands on me
knowing that all my father has done
is teach me that I am no less than,
a princess.
yet he also taught me
that laying hands on someone you love is okay.
my mom taught me that staying silent is what
we're good at, told me that someday
shed be my hero. she never was.
she taught me that how to cope is to
move from 10 different guys in 10 days.
I have watched myself turn into the people I told myself
I'd never be.
but now this is me.
my dad is no longer addicted, nor is he abusive.
but the scars are still there.
and my mom is finally in a good relationship,
but because of all that I went through,
I will never let someone raise their tone with her.
and when people like to state "if you weren't hit, its okay."
but in reality, it will leave more bruises on you than those who were hit.
because still, my dad is somehow,
my hero.
and for that, I will never forgive myself.
I will never be the same.

Its not real,
None of its real
I feel,
Delusional.
This flower
I sit staring,
I see it move,
But not on its own,
I see the wind blow.
The vines sway,
back and forth
through the rain.
This flower
Won’t go a day
Without shining,
It shines back at me
When I walk by.
I see it perk up,
It giggles and smiles at me
I see this flower slowly wilt.
I see the smile start to fade,
When others talk bad
About the seed of its past.
I make my way
Towards this flower,
Scared of what i’ll see.
Others see it as the mistakes made,
I see the joy it always caused me.
I dont want that to fade away,
It’s not real,
I wont let it be.
This flower,
I'm scared to see,
In a state
that scary.
I see the pain
It has
And the mourn it’ll give me.
This flower,
Is dying.
It’s not real
Is all
I let myself see.

donnt mention my thighs,
but see thats 'different' right?
its not. I'm still cutting arent I?
and even with the doors closed they still know.
for it reeks of blood dripping off my leg
thirsty for a vampire's vang.
you can check me all day
but you'll never see the dark
inside or me.
for I cut it out so no one will see,
so that ill just be happy.

Please do not become someone
that I have to see as a stranger.
please do not make me have to pretend
like you meant nothing to me,
because you did.
please don't let me be
a stranger
when I know you better than anyone else.
I know your laugh,
your smile, and how unsymmetrical
it really is.
don't make me
have to tell people that we are strangers
while you look at me,
knowing that with this mouth,
I used to declare
I love you.
don't be a stranger,
that I cannot even look
at.
don't be a stranger
that takes my breath away
when we bump into each other,
when I acce]idently tough your chest,
knowing what it looks likes underneath
don't make me,
a stranger.
when I can recognize
your voice
from across
the room.

life will stab with thorns.
it will grow flowers.
life will blow wind,
at the House of cards.
it will build them back up again.
life will knock you down,
so hard you won't feel like standing up.
but you have to.
Don't stop the climb
even in the darkest valleys
or the mountains high.
because the sight
at the end of the rainbow,
is worth
the walk.

She drowned
Into the person she thought he
Was

How could i not say those words when they fit perfectly into a sentence about you,
to you.
I love you. See? Isn't it perfect?
I just want you. I want you so bad,
not just to taste your lips on mine
but to get to hear you say it back.
“I love you”.
Could you say that?
I dream of what it would sound like,
if I said that and you said that back.
But only what ifs.
For you have someone, and once again,
it tears me apart to see.
That you could be so happy with someone
that's not me.

i am at peace now.
when i once thought you'd never leave.
i step into this place
which was once my safe place,
interrupted by you.
but this time,
it is not an interruption.
for i am no longer searching your face
in a crowd
nor your name in a room.
I
am finally my safe place.
because i am no longer your free campsite.
you are now a leace
that is for sale,
no longer taken
no longer wasted.
this is now,
you are now
a goodbye.

I want
Younger me
To see me Succeed
in our dream.
That is what my answer should be,
But instead its
I have to make my father proud
Of me.
I want to hear those words slip from his mouth
That he is proud.
I strive
with everything I do in life,
From the pen that I write
To steps I take.
Everyday,
My goal is to hear him say
He is proud.
That is all I want in the end.
All my hard work
My grades
My life
Down to the outfits,
I want it from his lips,
His mouth
to speak,
I AM PROUD.

Or get lost with the lord.
Go down the dark paths
With His light,
From the inside.
Get thrown into fire,
And come out cold.
Get tossed around, called *****
And walk out clean.
Touch once a stick,
But now a snake.
It's not rules,
But a veil torn open,
Giving a relationship.
A love undying, abiding.
But it will not be chosen
On a good day.
It's at your worst, in your room,
On your floor,
Crying, breaking down,
Soaring with sorrow,
Overwhelmed with pain.
This voice will call out,
They will touch you,
And speak.
“My child, you are safe.”
This voice will tell you,
This pain,
Puddle of tears and
Mistakes made.
It is all erased,
By His love.
Most think this experience
Will happen when you are okay,
Once you make it out of the fight
Stable, win your war.
But He is not that way.
He fights your fights and wins your wars.
He will pick up your sword,
When you have fallen.
When you give up,
And don’t want to even blink
Anymore.
When you’re curled into a ball
in your bed, or on your floor,
With scars and marks, blood dripping
Down your legs and arms.
Only then will he take you by your hand,
Heal your cuts, inside and out.
That is how, He works.
That is the difference between the world and Him.
The world will weigh you down over time,
The burden on your shoulders.
But He will be the unto your feet,
The burden and mistakes you carry
Will be released.
The devil will pound on you
And hammer at your heart
Until your fall, until you are shattered,
And the pieces are lost.
But, He will wait until you are done,
In your most vulnerable state,
To open your eyes and to drop the veil.
He will find those pieces that you thought
Were forever lost.
Becuase that,
Is who He is.

sometimes i hope
he cries.
sometimes i hope
he dies.
but sometimes,
ill wonder if he misses me.
the way we spoke,
like the world was collasping
and our hearts
were attaching.
but now I sit here.
think of you.
thinking of this sourly
drawn world
which is still put together into one.
thinking of our hearts.
which aren't out together
with one another.
they're spread out,
wept out,
cried out,
but the tears of me.
tears of our souls.
today a masterpiece.
tomorrow a heartbreak.

there once was this girl,
she was as happy as can be.
she met the
in a class.
sixth period to be exact.
they sat by each other, knee to knee.
she saw him as just a friend,
but he saw her as more,
and gladly.
there once was this girl,
she fell in love with this guy.
who she didn't know at the time,
would be the cause of her suicide.
she felt her happiness
now drowned by her sadness.
there once was this girl,
she sat all sad and gloomy,
until she saw a rope.
waiting for her only.
now he tells the sorry of this loving girl,
who gave him everything for just a twirl.
there once was this girl,
she now smiles from above.
untangling the rope from her throat,
while watching him hang up the note, that she left
only for he.

he
Was
a drug that she thought of.
he
Was
a drug that she convinced herself to take
knowing it would harm her.
he
Was
a drug she was addicted to.
so when he left, he left her thirsty.
he
Was
a drug.
Yet She
Was
his poison.

and poison is something you take knowing it kills you.
but you want it, and you're not sure why.

His eyes
Meet mine,
And they sparkle.
Light the night sky.
They build the days I look forward to.
Deep ocean blue,
When we swim so deep
That blue turns to green.
A beautiful pool
Of dark blue,
Mixed in with hazel and
Patches of green.
They look at me.
And inside i want to scream,
But outside i smile back at him,
As he smiles at me.
And he looks with such care,
And caution.
Love, and passion.
Sometimes, when im sad.
He gives this look,
Of sorrow and empathy.
True love and understanding.
Sometimes,
his eyes say
‘I love you’
When they look into mine.
And with not just my eyes,
But my voice
I will tell him,
‘I love you, too’.

one thing that will always
be left
unsaid,
You will always be
on my mind.
the names you called me.
they will be long forgotten.
your stares.
will be forever lost.
I can manage
the whole world
with the tip of my finger,
yet you control me over one touch.
everyone can easily
drool at the sight of me,
if I let them.
yet I can drown
at your stare.
so how?
how does the peasant rule
over such a knee-dropping
queen?

Little do they know that
I still sit here in my room
At night and cry myself
To sleep wishing that
You were here with me.

I believe
That you can change.
Forget past
To make room for future.
Only way
To see forward
Is to stop looking
Behind.
I believe,
We all get a second chance.
Unwind
Unbind yourself.
And be you
This time.
Worry for you
No one else.
Stop trying to chase them.
Youre going backwards
On a forward-facing path.
Sont stop walking either,
And try to cut out
Woes and foes,
Becuase if you stand
In a dark pit, they will find you.
So use a few
Have common since,
And just keep going.
I know it hurts,
Walk it off.
If your fall
Stand up, dust off.
Keep going,
Because the rewards
Is worth some dirt,
I believe.
This path path
Is your best strategy.

Your eyes.
Your deep,
Yet shallow,
Relaxing,
Makes you feel like your skating on ice,
Yet in a bright green field of grass,
Those eyes that tell a story through every light
And dark shade of them.
Those eyes that feel like a dream,
But you can't escape.
Ocean eyes,
Ice eyes,
Your eyes.
They have history,
Those eyes.
Seen things,
Haven't seen things.
Each sparkle in your eyes,
Has a memory,
A story,
history.

They're stupid, all of them.
I can't go a day and not hear someone say
Your hot
I hate that.
That sentence
That word
I'm not hot
I'm beautiful.
But Boys
They don't say that.
You're fine not gonna lie
That's all they say
Like a broken record
That repeats it
Without regret in their system.
I'm not fine
Im gorgeous
To the eye.
Not
Meet me on a saturday night
I'm worth more than that kind.

I sat there
Beside you
Holding your hand
Not wanting to let go because i knew
If i did you would too
Then you would disappear.
I knew that when i left
Walked out of that room
I never see you again,
Or laugh again
No more meeting at family gatherings
Or rushing to you with open arms.
No more looking for your face in a crowd of our family members
Always going straight outside because i knew you’d be there
Smoking a cigarette.
I miss you.
I shouldnt never let go of your hand
I shoudve endured and soaked in the warmth and comfort
Of your hands, your touch.
I miss it.
Now i sit here on my bed writing this down
About us, about you and how
I wish i wouldn't have listened to mom voice
Vaguely echoing in my ears when she said
It's time to go, honey
I wish i hadn't looked her way
Instead of continuing to admire and appreciate your beauty
When i looked over at mom with swollen eyelids and lips
From my tears,
I turned back to you and looked through the blurred vision
Through my watered up eyes ready to burst with cries
I squeezed your hand and said
Ok, give me a minute
And as i heard the faint sound of moms voice and her shoes hit the tile
Of this hospital room with the smell of failing to bring back life,
She replied
Ok.
And when the door shut the cries burst
And i closed my eyes not being able to bear the sight
anymore
Of this flower flying away and out of reach that i may see someday,
Many hours away
I should have stayed.
Shouldve stayed in your touch
You love and your hold
I should have never let go
Of your hand
I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.
Now instead of holding your hand sitting by your side
Admiring your beauty everyone else ignored
I lay in my bed writing you this,
I miss you.
You were my person,
And while others mourned once and are now okay
Just scrolling through the memories
I still cry i am still mourning
Because I miss you,
And i feel you.
Still.
I look up at the pictures of you hanging on my walls and
Beside my bed on the table,
All of you and me.
Me and you.
I wear my butterfly earrings that remind me of you
When someone says i have to take them off i stand my ground and make sure They know that it is not just a jewelry piece,
Its you in remembrance i carry with me.
I miss you,
My person,
My nina.

Im not ready.
It’s a beat
from the heart,
Steady.
Then mom gets the call,
Im not ready.
Gone.
Its a word that is overused,
Even when people dont know
how deep
The meaning
Can go.
How dark that word really is.
I wasn’t ready.
Not to hear that word,
Not to see the flower never
To be seen again.
Ill never see it again,
For its been picked
And brought
To a new home.
I never thought
This day would come.
And I wasnt prepared,
I wasn’t ready.

I need to get something off my chest
You are not the perfect image
I painted out to see
Instead you are someone whom
I will always love
Just as the air will always love
Running through our hair
Just as a dog loves
The touch of its owner
You will always be something i care for
But that doesnt mean i will strive for it
Because i am slowly but surely
Learning
That i am worth something
And anything above you really
For even though we can talk through our eyes
And i have memorized what every look
Touch and emotion your body gives off
I will try with everything in me
To leave.
Leave you at home
Stand up for myself in a room you may own
And leaving the feelings behind
Because even though many times
Ive stated that i love you and always will
The truth can be covered up by a simple gesture
Like you have done in uncountable moments former.
So from this stance forward i will be there for myself
To make sure that i do not fall
Even though you are the edge of a cliff Im walking on
There will be no tripping or screaming from afar
But there will be floating and flying Gasping for air
Not because of tears
due to you
But because i am free
There are no captives
Being in love with you does not hold me
Im as saved as can be.

it feels like,
life
is of 3 three things.
You get hurt,
and they walk away fine.
they get hurt,
and you walk away guilty.
or occasionally,
not common.
and rarely to ever happen,
you both,
walk away forcefully
knowing that you both have torn each other's heart
apart.
knowing that you truly want to be together,
but it's not worth It.
and now you both, are hurting.

Love letters are how she expresses herself.
How she thinks
She shows her love for you by keeping
Every detail, from passed notes to poetry.
She has a bucket and folders full of things
Kept close to her
Things she carries along in the beats of her heart.
She will write about the ones whom she truly loved,
The ones who caught her heart with an arrow
Said Cupid sent them.
She looks thorugh all these memories when feeling gloom
And i a doubt of herself
She reminds her well-being that
That bucket is loves stuck in a box
Reminds herself that she is of pure honesty and love.
She cares so deeply
Reminds herself that those letters she never sent out
Are words beautifully played in a tune from her heartstrings.
So when she writes be prepared
Ready to know that what you are reading is a cry for help
Off her emotions
The dots and erased words were shredded up into
A million pieces by her tears.
Know that when she writes it's her cry.
A lullaby that she sings with strings and feelings.
Know that these love letters are more than
Folded-up piece of paper
This is how she loves
How she cares
shows her beauty from the inside.
And when she sends them out,
Her heart is given away in spread out
Many shards scattered within them.
She will lose herself.
So why she cannot get rid simply of this box of memories?
They are the pieces of her put gently into a paper
That is why she will go through from time to time
At her most emotional state
Because that is how she finds herself again,
And it's not that she’s stashed away
She carries it with her,
To show the world that she is not afraid
Of its outcomes that may stand in the way.
She is bold and courageous
Does not show a shed tear
So when she delivers them out
And know that it’s over
Be prepared.

if your writing my story,
erase his chapter.
where he said he loved me.
but love,
wasn't it.
he played me.
faked me.
lied to me.
there was no we
its was only me.
I gave it all.
my soul,
I called for you
day and night
but you never replied.
all time taken,
it was wasted.
so please,
erase his chapters
and rip out the
pages.

every poem has a sheet
over it,
protecting life from its deeper meaning.
i will not do that,
I will let this world know what it does
to the people.
my friend took His
to save mine.
the world pushed me down
into a hole.
But my friend
pulled me out.
still I ran away,
toward the world.
everytime, He was there.
by my side.

You are my last 7 minutes.
And for some who don’t understand
It is the brain that portrays your best memories
Most care-free moments in life
When once you were unashamed of your smile
The times your stress was to fly away,
Your mind plays back to those times
Like
a record player on Rewind.
So, when I say that you are my last 7 minutes
I mean
You are the broken record player that repeats in me
And when someone wants to take that away
I will stand between them and you
Because you hold
my most carefree moments
my joyous of times
my life,
You are my
Last 7 minutes.

What do I say?
Your stare,
And my voice a delay.
From eyes of the
To lips of those,
The shine in your eyes.
A doe,
Staring back at me.
Darts full of
No purity.
The soft innocence
Of this doe.
Is the devils glare,
Or evil.

Our hands locked together
Perfectly
Our fingers fit each others
Perfectly
Our palms suctioned one another
As if God formed them meant
To entwine
Perfectly
Your touch bound with mine
Perfectly
And your kiss on my lips
Not perfect but built just
Right for each other
Perfectly
Your hands grazed on the leather
Just above my skin
Perfectly,
All this perfect
Yet you never were.

when i tell my stories
my experiences I go through
People tend to look at me with a crooked head and mock
'what?'
they look at me as if I shouldn't know this
but I do
does that mean I came from a tragic home
does that mean I am a young *****

ode to you,
your walk.
talk.
laugh
smile.
secrets.
there's not much I don't like about you.
you talk with a raspy after tone,
your hair is not greasy
but shiny.
your love is well-cherished.
your touch is well-remembered.
un-forgettable.
your smile.
its overwhelming.
i forget how to think,
when you look at me.
ode  to you.
even though,
you crushed my heart
with your foot,
lied to me you "love me"

Caught in a daze,
thinking of your lips
against mine.
caught in a maze,
and to your surprise
its about you.
you are the start
and the finish line.
the middle and the end.
the chocolate and vanilla swirl that everyone picks,
that I pick,
but I cant have.
so I ginore.
i ignore these feelings for you
like the stars ignore the sun.
hoping that it'll go away,
but it hasn't.
so I pretend is was never there.
but ill end up
thinking of it more and more.
each day you cloud my thoughts
but of course,
I ignore.

packing up into one corner
and crying tears
away for no one to see.
no one to witness.
that is life, packing.
packing your plans into a suitcase
and spreading them around
the world.
packing in the emotions
that maybe this world won't want to see.
packing up all the beautiful memories
for when they leave.
packing away the things you are afraid to admit,
or the hobbies one may find unattractive.
but one time, one word, one day.
a day for unpacking.
all the words and tears,
memories, emotions
and feelings so tightly packed away.
unboxed, for the world.