Eat Eat Eat,
that's what my friends say.
that's what they ask of me.
is to eat.
so that my belly won't growl
and I won't be hungry.
but the growl of my stomach
is a better feeling of relaxation
than the regret of eating,
and feeling like a pig.

Instead of looking at me
And seeing
How much success I made,
See how many times I had to fall
And get back up
Dust myself off
All alone.
How many things I had to go through
Before someone even noticed me.
How many times I sat there in the mud
That was once dirt,
As dry as a desert,
But turned into a swamp by my own tears.
Think about the journey i went through,
And the future I am trying to change.
And when I mess up, or pause on my path.
Think about
How I am still standing.
Think about that swamp, that is back into a Sahara.
About how many times i was alone on that trip,
With no one helping me with the wounds
From the knives
Thrown at my back.
How many times I cleaned the dirt off my body
By myself, and still managed to look good.
Still managed to look okay
And when i was fighting a demon that
My self-esteem made it.
I still managed to put a smile through that.
So don't see these little mistakes
That I might make,
Because they will happen.
But see that I am still here,
And I have fought
My own demons,
Cleaned my own wounds,
made my own mud, and dried it up,
To get where I am.
And I am not just standing
But I am walking.
I might be walking on nails,
But I will not bleed.
So when you think of me, see
the whole story.

She wakes up,
In a mood so great.
Starts her day.
And as it goes on,
It goes down.
The year that
Has gone so great,
Ending in a fate
She’d not expected.
She cries.
The hill
Goes down.
So does she.
Then theres another hill.
She stands up
Ready to strive again.
And again.
And again.
More hills come.
Falls.
This time
She doesnt want to get up anymore.
This wave hit sideway
And now shes sick of it.
The world slapped her and said
“Worthless”, “useless.”
She sleeps,
She wakes up.
She eats she sleeps.
Lays there,
For days
For weeks. Years go by.
She stands up.
This time to meet with a mirror,
And she hates it.
She wears a mask
To cover the mess
In the bed shes made
But it didnt go away.
And she acts okay,
And forgets about
This hole shes made.
She grabs her shovel,
She starts digging.
She keeps digging.
And one day
She trips.
Again.
She falls.
But doesn't let her mask fall off.
Shes too tough now for it.
Without letting a tear slip,
She crawls out of her hole.
When shes out,
The world kicks her back down.
And she fights,
But her pits grown deeper.
she's drowning in her fake faces.
She tries to fight
And she climbs
And crawls and claws
At the surface
Screaming to want out of her own
Deep pit of darkness.
She lets a tear slip.
Water comes,
her mask falls.
she's her again,
Broken and shattered to pieces.
A hand reaches,
To help her.
She stands up.
Staring down at her pit,
She turns around.
He is there.
He says,
“You've dug your hole, you've done your deed. Now it is time for me to work mine.”
After all this time, she smiles.
And she starts walking.

just one bullet,
      one gun.
            no safety on.
            end it all.
   or just relapse.
decisions.
     always deciding.
             life.
                escaping it
           not possible.
    but at least, pain
makes you gain
      that one moment,
            of peace.

There is life.
And then there is death.
Life,
It is an ongoing sky full of wonder
And beauty.
Sometimes so overwhelming
That we don't notice the opportunity
Hiding beneath the clouds.
Although we do notice when the clouds are dark,
Or the rain is thick.
When lightning struck from darkness
And lights up the night sky.
Life has its bad days,
But it is also full of
Rainbows that bless the sky,
And the sun
That gives us health and fills us with light.
Or the clouds, that we don't usually notice.
But they are the best thing of all.
So many different varieties of
Personality between them.
Sometimes they will fill life to its fullest,
Other times the sky is empty.
A blue void.
And the sunsets, sunrises.
That is when the sun decides to show
Her true beauty,
As she flirts with the moon who is still awoken,
Staring back at her
Waiting for her to seize the day.
Life is a sky full of faith and fields of emotion scattered
Beyond the stars.
So when we have the voice to choose.
Life and death, life or death.
They are so different, that  once you back out of one,
And into another.
There is no pause button,
No rewind.
So when you want to choose death,
A pit of forever guilt.
The guilt of knowing that the sun will mourn and the moon will cry.
The clouds will cover the light spread through the blue,
And the stars will have constellations
Of you.
Choose wisely.
Knowing the opportunity,
You could have,
To surf the clouds.

respect
I refuse to say
was given
because it was already mine
from which I deserved
in the first place

i'll cut,
not one by two.
maybe even three.
ill cut so deep
not even the doctors
can reach.
and I promise not to.
ill promise ill stop.
but I've not,
its an addiction.
its like ****,
but mines a razor.
It's like ***,
but mines my skin.
ill promise I've quit.
but not even close.
this
is uncontrollable.
a need or pull towards me.
maybe a hobby,
like drawing but my canvas
my wrist.

there once was this boy.
he was the light of my day.
he called me names in good ways.
my love, babe, or even bae.
he made me feel safe,
held me and even said "I love you".
that meant a lot, and he said it often.
until one day he stopped.
i wondered why but never asked.
i slowly got more desperate for the love i'd never had.
There once was this boy.
he broke this girls heart,
time and time again. he would get bored
and come back for more.
but she believed in him, believed he would one day change.
he never did, he took control.
so she sulked in her pain.
there once was this boy.
he was responsible for her death,
for she wrote a note,
left for only him instead.
this said,
"I know you've let go, but I'm done waiting right her in this pain. so I'll wait in the heavens to join again. and I know I shouldn't, but I still believe in you, for I sw thee love no one could reach to."
as he read, tears trailed down his cheeks.
with snawty nose and all he finally realized,
he loved her.
as she, loved the.
she smiled from above
with the rope still around her throat.
there once was this boy,
he's now married with two kids.
they one day asked, "Dad where did you get this?"
he smiled at the note written from so.
that he saved,
to cherish the love
she always gave.

So we always talk about how
we miss the made-up version
of who they were to us.
how much we miss them,
and the fantasy world of who we truly
wanted them to be,
who they never were.
but we never stop to think
that maybe,
We were once made up in theirs too?
or someone in our lives,
see our chapter as just a waste of time.
maybe, they were too
living in this candy-cane world
of who we were.

there is no love as the love from the sea.
one that the sea has for this shore.
one that this shore has for the sea.
the sea rushes in, running towards
the shore, hoping for open arms
as the shore stares back.
the sea meets the shore.
and just as, the sea settles.
because that is what the shore does to it.
calms the sea after all the water
built up and heavy shells in
its huge wave
that the sea has been carrying all day.
the shore takes all of that away
and makes new, but only for a moment
before deepening back out into. but instead,
instead of the sea with a heavy wave,
the shore has dimmed it out into
a calm smooth-over.
and then another comes, not a big
but the shore is still open
with a full heart and smile.
that is their love.
the sea loves the shore even after all the waves all day,
the calm sea still rushes in for the shore.
and the shore is hoping it never stops, because after even
a day of the sea's heavy waves coming barreling in.
the shore still looks toward for
the calm night. that's is the
shores love for that sea.
and that, is their love.

Dear pennsilvania.
I miss you so,
so much.
like Juliet and Romio
we were so close.
and so much that I cannot
bare to say your name.
so I will only speak of you
as where you are from.
Dear pennsylvania,
I miss you,
because I didn't have to make you up in my head.
Dear ennsylvania.

Sometimes I want to write.
Sometimes I want to cry.
Sometimes, I want to take it cut by cut.
Slit by slit, of my wrist.
Except that's not all that I want.
But I think of it.
And I want to cry, because
I act tough
And smile.
I act happy
And outgoing.
But really, I want to cry.
Sometimes even die.
Because every little thing in my life
It feels as if a building lost its roof,
And feels weak.
Even if it still has its foundation.
But I will hold that in,
Because my beams are still standing.
Sometimes I don't know what to write,
But that is my blood shed onto paper.
And I know that if I think about these actions that
I dont want to put
into reality,
I will write.
Sometimes the finished product
Isn't always good,
But
‘Bad poems show true emotions’
Between the lines.
These are my true emotions.

Unrequited.
that is my love for you.
one-sided.
single-minded.
you never listened
but I did.
I listened carefully to the beats of your
heart
when no one thought it existed.
I listened,
to the silence between us.
to the touches of your love,
no one else witnessed.
yet
it meant nothing. it was unrequited.
a fantasy, world of imagery,
I made up, with no one at fault but me.

Saying
We are just friends
Does not make
It the truth

you are my vampire.
the blood that falls off,
drips from the slits on my wrist
or cuts on my thighs.
you cause them.
you drive your sharp teeth into me,
and level marks.
my heart with puncture wounds.
your vangs are the
nightmare
of my days.

You stress and worry about things becuase you care, and you're self-conscious, very insecure. But you shouldn't really be. You're funny and sweet and caring and loving and kind, and respectful in a way that I like. You're perfect. You bring me joy. Which is odd, because I don't know this. I've never felt this before. so, is there more?
And you're such a sweetheart, someone who's not a heartbreaker but a builder, a heart maker.

We have nothing,
yet everything between us.
There's no tension.
no flirtatious acts.
no definition.
we have nothing,
yet everything between us.
your smile is the light of my day.
the compass of my well-being.
your touch, if only I could explain.
your name,
when I hear it called upon the crowd
I look for you. without even realizing,
I search for your face.
you stupid hat that means so much to you,
meaning it means the world to me.
your laugh, makes me laugh.
a shot of dopamine the brain gets
that gives
joy, you're my joy,
that doesn't wear off when the laughing stops.
because across the room,
across the crowd, across the group.
you smile back at me.
knowing we've done this before,
and we pick It back up as if it never dropped in the first place.
I search for your name.
but I don't know if you search for mine,
and that is what scares me.
so,
we have nothing,
yet everything between us.
you talk about the girl you have to me,
and I talk about guys.
but deep down, you are always there.
on the edge of my mind.
i miss your touch.
your dopamine.
its eating at me,
but whats killing me?
the fact that
I don't know if that is what you feel back.
How I wish I could tell you,
but If only I knew if you felt it back.
and even if you do, I know you.
you won't go for it.
but for you? hell, I'll still take friends with benefits.
because your touch is addicting, your smile makes me laugh.
which then makes you laugh, and the cycle continues.
'I love you' Is what I think, but I can't speak.
so keep my secret.
because, we have nothing,
yet everything between us at the same time.

the drugs you take are
waring off
onto me.
I get high
at the sight
of you.
your eyes stare into mine
and I realize
that  this devil
staring back,
is the reason I lack
words.
for he is stealing the breath from my lungs
with his tongue
and my angels
are let free by his demons,
and in his dark look, I am lost.
now my innocence is forever gone.