And therefore,
dreams never come true.
Never the slightest chance
we would laugh together.
Admonishing, threats, and loss.
It didn't have to be
while the clock was ticking.
Nothing meaningful outside
these rude clans.
Only would we cut our teeth as we spoke.
Never knew
bigots
would be able to rule.
And therefore this opportunity was nothing of what
I dreamed of.

Couldn't be around for all
that excitement.
1984
I was not here around.
For my time
has been wasted.
Mentally ill,
moods swinging every second.
If I were stable,
I would have no broken glass of beer bottles
on my floor.
My cigarettes would be unlit,
my bed would be made.
If I were still today a fallen angel.
Depressed,
and with broken wings while lacking a smile.
I can't guarantee I would be alive,
now I guarantee
If I were dead,
you will be able to move on
from the memory of me.
I promise.

Only way I forgive
is to step away.
Stand in the moonlight
and move to the darkened side of town.
They will never find me,
come to know
how they believe they own me.
I could never find
a place to stand
within the space or love.
Loneliness is a lesson
to teach us to take ourselves out
and find some ourselves.
I walked alone for months
on the streets of falling out.
Where then I met people alone
in the middle of the street.
I crossed at the crosswalk.
And here we met.
This is no comparison
but a story of staying out of
the streets of falling out.
Yes leaving you was hard.
The tears and pale skin showed.
Now we talk
but have moved on to others more like us.
We don't need to feel shame,
just know we were never meant to be.
They were not like the pedestrians who God put at the same sign.
One said Falling Out St.
the other said Forward Avenue.
Split and broken up,
but happy with sigh.
I walk with the ones I trust with a place for me to stand between
on Forward Ave.
This time my friends are not numbers.
We are family.
And we reside on weekends
in our little place
that holds us together.
Take a left out of
Falling Out St.
Turn right onto
Forward Ave.
And you will find
my family and I
deep
and meant
to be.

If only
if only,
I could take my
own hands.
If only
if only,
I could
reach into my
cranium.
Hold what has stopped me
and what is
*******
with my relationships.
Rarely,
they don't mind.
But if you do,
I cannot say I blame you.
How do I sleep?
I don't.
I can't.
It stops me.
And I pray before I lay.
It hasn't stopped you.
But if Lord and stars
refuse my prayer,
I will then just
hope
you are not
gone.

To act but to feel,
to want but to be hurt,
to remember so many happy times,
then the truth came along.
Go out and see the city lights,
holding hands despise the ***,
to be thankful of this gift of friends,
then everyone
is
dating.
Insecurity attacks,
I can't feel good about anything.
I want everything to be my way.
It never will,
I always thought I would find
someone perfect.
I thought it was him.
And then,
the truth came
along.

Getting up in the morning,
my highest strength indeed.
No one ever calls out to me
in great need.
Blown off every second,
knowing they are unfair.
Can't show this through tears.
Unaware that I care.
The people I now see,
willing to hear.
We are there to listen to
every story and fear.
Drinks and pills
not to define any of us.
Smoking and venting
because we trust.
Everyone of us has been beaten,
all shut down one of the yesterday.
Knowing and so close,
we just say
what we need
to say.

Ten seconds was plenty of
time for me
to change my mind.
The people I love today
who never knew then
feel the relieving emotion
of how I chose
to stay.
I lost my love,
I got pushed and stripped
of my control.
I grew very strong
I wrote out my heart.
I may have sobbed,
I may have thrown,
I may have sacrificed nourishment
and looked away.
It was time to open new doors
and let some in.
Certain possibilities revoked,
amending for easier ways to remain.
The scissors are now in the trash.
Others found their deserved love.
Moved on from the
threatening gang.
When we all let go,
we know it was not meant to be.
Happy memories
are not to present
what is no longer deserved,
but to put us back in our
best moments.
These moments I remember,
looking into people's eyes.
They fill with tears
after knowing I could have been
gone.
There would be no community of
laughter and love.
Nobody would have ever met
if I hadn't stayed.
Somehow I was stopped,
doesn't matter who or how.
You all made me happy
I stayed.