Empty garden and fallen roses. Only one is standing. She is bright and white. She breathes in and looks around her. Her world has ended, her world is no more as winter is here. So tears fall down her beautiful white skin, softly, quietly.
She closes her eyes and breathes out. Is it the end? "No", her mother had said. It's only the beginning. "Worry not, you'll be born again. Don't be weary and hopeless, it'll start again".
So she closes her eyes, and she is no more. Gone like the other ones.

And I look at her go, eagerly, fearful, wondering whether her ethereal beauty would be back.

I went back there during spring and there she was. Even more beautiful than the first day I saw her. So I became hopeful, eager for better and brighter tomorrows. Tomorrows filled with happy fragments and you.

I think that, through the years, I've let anxiety take the best ouf of me. I've let it consume me, control me, destroy me.

It went to the point where I accepted it. I knew there would be weeks, months in a year when I would refuse to eat, talk or smile. I knew there would be moments when I would just refuse to be, to live.

And I know, I know I should fight it. I should because I've won so many battles until now. But I'm tired, understand me, I'm tired.
I'm tired and I've become numb. I've become unable to feel, to laugh or think. I've ignored too many problems because life was getting in the way. But life itself, meanwhile, was killing me.

And now, I'm stuck in a tunnel and I can't find the light. And I'm too afraid to talk about it.
I used to be eager for things to happen, and those little things, they helped me breathe, they helped me hope, they helped me smile.
And now, I'm taking it one day at a time.

It's so sad isn't it? So sad that I've struggled so much with anxiety and depression, that I had won many times, yet now, I'm letting it take the best out of me.

I don't want to write that for people to be hopeless, though. I want everyone to keep fighting it. It's evil and toxic, so fight it. And win that battle so that I can win mine. I know how you feel, I know it gets better. I know you just need to find those little fragments of light. Be patient.

I was scared to lose you. Because instead of hearing people, I listened   to them.
And listening to them hurt. It hurt so much tears fell down and I forgot I had value.
Living with my own principles is tough. For everywhere I go, I see them misjudge me, criticize me and laugh at me.

But I am stronger than they are, right? We all are. We are wandering in this world that it not ours. We are suffering in this world for it is home. And it is okay. For love is stronger and whoever and wherever you are, someone loves you.

I watch the world and it's falling apart. It scares me, you know. Sometimes, it really does.

There's too much noise, too much happening. But it doesn't matter. I know it doesn't. But sometimes, just sometimes. I feel like it does. And then, I just wish for everything to stop.

But then I think of you. Of your smile and the kindness in your eyes. I think of how easy it was to talk to you, to be with you. And just then, I miss you. I miss you and I yearn for the day I will see you again.

Will I? Will I see you again? Will I learn to love you? To be with you? To touch you and make you mine? Oh, how I wish to find you again.

But you're too far. And there's no way for me to reach you. You're only a memory now, one that I cherish everyday. A memory that I keep alive because I pray God for our paths to meet again.

I like those lonely nights. Those nights when only you and I are. Those silent and still moments when I can capture bliss. I can feel it; when you hold me tight, as if you were afraid I'd fall down. I like those nights. It feels like time has stopped and for a second, a minute, an hour that feels like a lifetime, only us matters.

This is my way of telling you how much I love you. How much I value this minute with you. How much I'll miss this time for I know you're not going to last. Because I know, one day, you'll only be part of my past.

So please, keep this between us. Love me for a second and I'll feel safe forever.

I don’t want to be fixed. Because I’m not a problem.

I have a different path and it’s okay.

I have a different life and it’s okay.

I have my own choices and it’s okay.


And hear me, I don’t need you to understand. I don’t need you to ask questions. I don’t need you to change my mind.


For my life is my own and no one has the power to control it but me. For God gave me those decisions not you. For I am strong enough to know what I want.

I am done crying. I am done blaming mental illness. I am done thinking I need to be fixed. I have the power to know what I want and you don’t.

So hear me, I don’t ask you to understand. I don’t want you to ask questions. I want you to love me, as you should and let me evolve. Let me grow. Let me live.

I lay down and stare at the wall for a second. I can hear myself breathe. Inhale and exhale. I can hear myself feel.

I close my eyes and I see myself walking down the stairs of my parents' house with a long white dress. You're waiting for me. I'm waiting for you. And for a second, among all the screams, the pictures, the kids and the people, there is only you and me.

I can see myself meeting you and falling in love with you. I can see myself not being afraid anymore. God, I wish I wasn't filled with fear. God, I wish I had met you.

But then, I open my eyes and all I see is the ceiling. It is grey. I've always loved this color. It's white and black blended together. It shows that the world is not simple. It's a little happy and a little sad. It's a little tough and a little easy.

So maybe we were meant to wait a little to love even more, to know even more, to be even more.