i suppose,
i must, i must, i must,
go forth, go forth,go forth,
into this brave day.

but know this, truly,
i crave, i crave, i crave,
to stay, to stay, to stay,
alone, here away from,

the maddening crowd,
at play, at play, at play,
too loud, too loud, too loud,
for my disconcordant mind.

if i had
my way, my way, my way,
i would hide,
away,away away,
over there
with books, with books,
with books
and uninterrupted solitude.

but my lot is such,
that a hermit,
i am not!
nor most days,
want to be.

but,today, today,today,

the words penned above
make up my mind's
clockwork soliloquy.

please let me hide
my face, my face, my face.
in this peaceful
place, place, place,
just til i catch my,
breath, breath, breath.

I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

Make that empty heart red
Don't leave it sad and grey
It takes one click you know
To make the rest of my day

doesn't that question scare you?
i think about it at night sometimes

when the moment comes
could you do it?

what are you capable of?