I look and i wonder
What i have done
I sit and ponder
Why i cant find the sun

We were friends right?
Once upon a time
But now im struck by fright
I hear the clock chime

Maybe nothing ever lasts
Maybe its all just moments
And eventually they all pass
But my heart still rents

I just wish i knew
What i always seem to do
And how i constantly anger you
And why is it that you flew?

Away from me
I was just trying to see
To look into you
And let you look into me too

But instead you pushed me
And not just literally
You didn't want to see
Maybe im just full of folly

For ever thinking that we might
Somehow still be friends

Recently I had a talk
With the Lord of All
Wish I could say I came away
Feeling ten feet tall
But instead what He said
Made me feel small...

I asked him why my dreams had died
I asked him to convey
Why blows were dealt below the belt
It seems like every DAY
Why my heart was torn apart
Why did I have to pay?

For what others had done to me.
And WHY the cost so DEAR?
When would the war be over?
When would the coast be clear?
Why so many PROBLEMS?
Can't some just disappear?

He said, "You want to know, my child?
Why these knots still bind?"
He was gentle, but yet firm.
He took me back in time.
To the root, where they'd begun
And the causes? MINE.

Are there times you've questioned?
YES! We ALL have done!
We want to shame. We want to blame.
We want to scathe and shun
We want to point the finger
But now, the time's begun

To look through eyes enlightened
To peel the onion. Delve.
TRUTH's not glass, but mirror...

in which we see OURSELVES.


SoulSurvivor
(C) 3/29/2017

welcome, welcome
to the poets parade
please join us now
and never be afraid
we welcome you
to march your words
across the screens of hundreds
to make your thoughts heard
we will stand with you
through thick and thin
and we promise to make sure
you don't feel alone again
we will be with you
through the good and the bad
and help you create art
out of the experiences you've had
yes welcome, welcome
to the poets parade
please join us now
and never be afraid

s.s.

Today, I lied and left a room full of people
I went and hid
sitting on the cold metal stairs
Halfway to the second floor because I knew no one would look there
if they tried to find me
It was so silent I felt my heart struggling to
stop beating
To match its surroundings
The lack of sound stifled movement
Slowed thought
The ringing in my ears such beautiful music
It dawned on me that
I have done this before

I have hidden myself away from lively people and colorful noise
sitting against cold ground, cold wall, anything as long as it was cold enough to bite my skin
Retreating from life even before I labeled myself with depression
I'm not making this up
I want to cry though my voice is statuesque with the rest of me
It is sweet relief, even if only for a second I believe
I am not some twisted monster
preying on false struggle for sympathy

I hear the voices of other entering the room I've run from
I know I should go back
But the silence, the silence
I remind myself what they have taught me
Sometimes you have to just do what is needed, because there is no other option
If the others can walk back in with a laugh and a smile, so can I

It takes a long time for me to convince my legs to get up but I do it

I walk away from the steps

https://soundcloud.com/user-123704847/loud

When you're at that moment
you don't think about anyone else
You don't think about your friends or your mom
or your teammates or your sister
All you think about is a number
a cold, empty number
How long would it take?

It's just you in that moment
all you, at your most real, most powerful, most broken
Where the only one who can make you turn away is you

They say that power casts a spell over people
all I can hope is that, for this moment, it's not true
Because if you dip your toes in the ocean too many times
one day, you're bound to fall in

*I don't want to fall, do I?

Who knew that crayons were smarter than the rest of us?