everyone keeps telling me if i talk about it then i'll feel better,
but it's not working,
nothing feels like it's working.
my eyes feel glazed over and looking at my friends makes me want to cry.
i'm coming to see you now,
please open the door.

i would like there to be flowers and trees.
i would like to see my best friend again and my grandmother and everyone who's made me smile.
i'd like to lay on the flowers forever.

these tears in my eyes seem to never dry
and no dad,
i don't want anything for my birthday.
i don't know if i'll be here to blow out the candles.

reading a children's book about finding the happiness in the small things made me cry.
because i'm trying to find That happiness.
i know it's there but i can't see it anymore.
the light from my eyes feels like it's been taken away and i'm wondering more and more if this life is worth living.

i could feel the corners of my eyes start to water and soon enough,
i couldn't see that well anymore.
i hugged myself because  no one else would.
sister,
i'm sorry for crying on your bedroom floor,
i just couldn't hold it in anymore.
it feels like all the happiness that was inside me has turned to grey and i can see myself reaching out for something that i'll never be able to reach.
even my little sister asked me what i wanted to do with my life,
as if i know.
how do you know i'll still be here to see that,
to actually live that?
because i don't know.
and the same questions make me shift my seat
and come up with an answer that sounds like a murmur or a grumble.
last  night, i thought about it.
how will i make it to september?
how will i live long enough to feel free again?
i don't think i will.

i would never have to spend nights crying over the same thing.
i could forget who i am and who i used to be.
is that even a question?

but that isn't a thing.
i will probably never forget who i am or
who i was, or
what i've been through.
there are starting to be more times where i don't know if this is still a chemical imbalance or
i just won't let go of the past even though it's piercing my hands.