If only you could be there...
If only you could be there when I crash after a long ride of happiness.
If only you could be there when I fall out of the sky after a flight of joy.
If only you could be there when I crumble under the weight of my own problems.
If only you could be there when all the walls close in on me and for a tiny box around me.

If only you could be there to be the pillow that reduces the crash impact.
If only you could be there to be the tree that breaks my fall.
If only you could be there to form a safety structure to stop me from completely crumble apart.
If only you could be there to break the walls before they close in on me.
If only you could be there..

Do me a favour:
And get out of my head.
I'm sick of your memory.
Of you,
and all the things you said.

People who fight
their battles alone
either lose the battle
or lose themselves.

it is 2:16 AM.
I am not awake because I am emptying my veins or medicine cabinets or tear ducts,
I am awake simply because I have not yet drifted into gray unconsciousness.
I will not fall asleep tonight on a salt soaked pillow-case and I will not wince every time my wrist rubs against the comforter.
I will fall asleep quickly, because I remembered to take my medicine, and I will stay asleep and dream of beautiful church buildings with stained glass windows and nativity porcelain and rooftop crucifixes I will not dream about jumping off.
When the bells ring, I will wake up and my mom will call me in for breakfast.
I will not be nervous.
I will not clasp my hands behind my back to hide my forearms.
I will eat eggs and toast and sausage and I will lick the grease from my fingers and it will taste good. It will not taste like calories. Like regret.
I will put my pants on and when they get stuck around my thighs I will groan and throw them out. I will not modify my body to fit into them.
My eyes will be bright and my veins intact and my shirt will be short sleeved and that will be alright.
I will be alright.

One day i woke up at around 11 am.
I went down stairs everyone else was asleep.
I went in my kitchen.
I was going to make something to eat.
I grabbed a knife.
I stared at it.
i went in my back room and sat on a chair.
I sat there for 3 hours.
Thinking, of my mistakes, the pain,the hurt.
It was january 13th
A piece of snow started to fall.
I looked around me.
I looked at everything.
I remembered every little thing about that moment right there.
I thought to myself im to much of a coward to cut myself.
I thought wrong.
I put the knife away.
Then I looked at it again.
Everyone was still asleep..
My mum was dead asleep.
I sat there again.
On that chair.
I took the knife and started going across my wrist back and forth..
Then it broke threw.
My wrist started bleeding.
I cut further down.
From that day on i cut myself every night.
Within one week i had 100 scars on my wrist.
After that it kept adding.
I broke my vein for the first time on my birthday..
During this time i started starving myself around january 20th.
I stopped eating.
I could barely ever sleep.
The day of my 14th birthday i took that same knife and stabbed it straight threw my wrist..
Today is july 4th
we're supposed to go out tonight
I'm sitting here.
8ame.. everyones dead asleep.
I'm staring at the knife again.
I'm here to say my goodbye.
This time i look outside.
Theres a bird.
Im on the same chair.
Only different season.
For whoever finds this.
I'm sorry for the pain.
But i am dying inside every day.
So here goes the knife threw my wrist..
Goodbye world.

When I'm with you, I become a completely different person.
When I'm with you, I turn from this lonely piece of crap into Superman.
When I'm with you, I feel like I can move mountains. I feel like I'm on top of the world, instead of in the deepest depths.

You are my addiction, my drug. You make me feel free and good about myself and you clear my mind of all those negative thoughts.

I don't know how you do it, but when I'm with you, I become the person I've always wanted to be...

People, I'm stuck with this thought...
I'm thinking about leaving HP...
It's nice to have a place to be yourself, and it's nice to have a place where you can be honest, but it just feels like some people make fun of me, like they don't take me seriously...
I know not all of you do that, don't get me wrong...
This thought is just pulling me away from the one place I can be who I am, and I just hope people can and want to talk me out of it...