that feeling whe everything just goes so fast and then suddenly the breaks are slammed on

the tape gets jammed

the impact is crucial to the vital signs

the gut wrenching drop of hope

I dont know whats going to happen from here on out i just hope it doesn't end

She walks into school
      and it starts again
           the shaking,
               it rips through her like a wave
She hears the sound of the voices
      in the hallway
         yet she cant make out what they're saying
She thinks all eyes are on her,
     everything is just one big blur
She hears laughter and
     she automatically thinks its
        directed at her
She waits in the bathroom
     like she does every morning
        for the halls to be clear
She walks out
     and wipes away her tears

"Hello, remember me?"
Her anxiety says to her every single day.

"Hello, remember me?"
There it is again. It is an unwanted guest that always seems to come up at the worst times.

Anxiety.
It is like a bug.
An infestation deep inside her, with no way out and it controls her each an every day.

It controls her..
every thought she think..
every word she says..

But more importantly,
it controls every thought she DOESN'T think
and every word she DOESN'T say.

It keeps her from things, not even giving her the option to choose for herself.

I lost the ***** that held my world together
There is no finding it now
And yes, I looked between the cushions of the couch
I prepare to run because
Like water through a busted dam it is coming
Like the pain of a stubbed toe it arrives in a furious instant
That asks for select curse words to be shouted
But so unlike pain in my toe, it does not fade
My world comes crashing down
The clouds in the sky fall
As dust onto my outstretched fingertips
(They hope to catch a bit of my falling world)
The atmosphere caves in
The air pressure intensifies
Until it has wrapped me
In a straight-jacket and
I
Am  
Paralyzed
I Search for your comforting eyes as you
Distantly ask me if I am okay I’m not
Okay but I cannot
Open my mouth
For the words to say because
I cannot move an inch to save you
Let alone myself
I couldn’t even save a
Word document right now
I try to scream but  
I
Can’t
Speak
And my world is crashing down
The water from the busted dam
Hits me like a concrete wall
My useless straight-jacketed body
Is swept away  
The water washes away all emotion  
I
Can’t
Feel
The sound of my demise is so loud
In my ears
I cannot hear you any longer
I
Can’t
Hear
The lack of oxygen
In my brain
Turns off the light  
I cannot see the stars
I
Can’t
See
Water everywhere
World crashing down
I
Am
Drowning
My heart beats too
Fast
Fast
Fast
I don’t have enough air to
Last
Last
Last
World
Crashing
Down
I
Can’t
Move
Can’t
Speak
Nor
Feel
Hear
See,
I
(Gasp)
Can’t
(Gasp)
Breathe.

Deep inside,
down in the dark,
they stir.
As if to say,
you can't see us but,
we're here.
You know they are,
but you try to ignore.
The stirring,
the nagging in your mind.
Deep inside,
down in the dark,
they hide.
The demons of my past,
really of my present,                                          
because they're still there,
stirring, nagging,
desperate to escape.
But I keep them locked up tight,
down in the dark,
deep inside.

I war with you daily

I war with you when I go to eat because of what that might do to me.

I war with you when I get ready in the mornings , you control how much of myself I want to hide behind a china doll facade , a face etched in make up

I war with you evry time I look in a mirror and you make me take multiple spare items of clothing "just in case"

I war with you every time I have to be somewhere at a certain time. you have me setting clocks forward, So I'll never be late.

I war with you every time I enter a space full of people , you make my heart pound and race. you make me sit there with headphones blasting to avoid  any form of social interaction

I war with you every time I meet new people and make me socially inept and incapable of communicating. you make me nod and squeak my opinions. You make me quiet and agree

I war with you every time something goes wrong and you send me into a deep panic followed by a melancholy pit.

You scare me because you shut me out and now I don't have any one left to run to, you are my own fault, caus I let you win by caring about each battle I have with you

I war with you and you will forever win