louella

louella Jan 2022

ok

my head is full of junk and stress and anger
i am aching and my lungs are trying to grip onto any air they can find
beaten and bruised and confused
broken and misused and abused
i am in a worn down infirmary from the 20th century
bleak and mostly dead
young and unread
i am tearing my bed sheets and wishing i could flee
or recycle my carcass in a dumpster
by the penitentiary

  i.     am.      ill.      and.   poisoned.   and.  weak

can i just get a little rest or some sleep?
i amShredded
and this hospital is forbidding
but i am about to go in
overdose from morphine
and become a distant memory
with tear streaks painted like silhouettes all over my detached face
i am frozen in the zone of the capable
drenched and shameful and incapable
can i punch a hole in the wall
or disappear on a private jet
never to be seen again?
in taiwan, bangladesh
china, the southwest
i will forever pray for escapism
and relocation of my barely pumping heart
please, let me retreat from the dock of the discreet
where i will forever become a inaudible nuisance
tortured between chains and bars and reins
anything is better than this pit i have been put in
spit on and inflamed and blamed
dragged and tortured and renamed
struck by the stick
i once hoped of holding in the first place
goodbye, i will decompose into the ground with the mushrooms
and i won’t need to be around anymore to make mediocre jokes
and laugh like the warden is correct in his words
please, i surrender
and i concur
later, i will no longer be a bore to the samurai with swords
i will be trudging through the mountain terrain
praying you will say my name
and i will be excused from the insane asylum because i will finally be deemed
“not insane”
by the nurse wearing slacks
and i will take my unschooled tracks
down the road
where i won’t bleed and toss and turn
i will belong and get along and be reborn
from the ***** of a once valuable opinion
i won’t die and cry and become shy
i will scream and be mean and fly
cause i will fit in somewhere where i knew i would belong all along
far from the president and the residents and my mom
and the fake acquaintances and desperate conveyances and the dark
reaching a pitch where i am silent but as noisy as an alarm
showing off all my parts
without being too nervous to crack a smile
or too anxious and in denial
even though tomorrow may be torture to the soul of the soldier
she will make it out alive
just bruised not misused and abused
just bruised

Who’s nervous for tomorrow?
Me!

In all seriousness, this is probably the best thing I’ve ever written

1/21/22

#poem #honesty #myself #anxiety #socialanxiety

louella Jan 2022

POV

POV-
ur best friend of five years at least (ur horrible at math) has left you for a structure and you lay there on your bed confused. Life had just started getting good. U had a phenomenal teacher, “friends,” lovers (i mean you were like eleven so more like crushes) good grades and every luxury the world could give to you. it’s halloween night and you don’t even know it’s the last time you are going to be speaking with ur best friend. and after that you start to miss her and see her in unlit candles and McDonald’s hamburgers. you read ur old text messages and you bawl into your knuckles until u are sore and you have to stop for ur greater good. u avoid eye contact with her because now you are inside the place that she left you for and you feel immeasurable to its warm embrace. you don’t tell your new friends about your cluelessness of why she stopped talking to you. u leave this all untouched and no one can collapse the property you built for your furious self. And you grow tired every day of having to hide from such a public relationship that you develop social anxiety. u start to feel eyes all over you all the time and you can’t sleep well at night because there might be a ghost under ur bed. and ur life becomes pointless because who should you be living for now? u contemplate saying something to her, but you fear rejection so much that you cower in the dusty corner and u are safe... right? oh, but ur still gonna turn red and pink and purple after dreams are torn and scraped like the crumbs on the table. u ache with every bone in your body and every cell wishes you would just say “hi” to the closest stranger ever. but ur mouth shakes and trembles and you grow tired of always having to try after SHE left U for a building that would crumble in less than four years. a building that wouldn’t even last longer than ur “friendship.” but u don’t feel angry, you just feel numb and ur phone vibrates from other people who cared enough to call you smart or say you knew more than them in spanish class and you realize that some people will never care enough to talk or never want to rekindle what you thought they would and you are ok with it. because friends are fluctuations and you are probably never gonna see the man who asked you to help him walk across the street again, so why would you care if it was anyone else? u are unstoppable and ur best friend is just an old friend and that’s how the world is. and you will not cry about it

and she left such a long time ago that you pretend you forgot about it

1/20/22

louella Jan 2022

wrote this while listening to the song fine line by harry styles

salt is sprinkled all over my wounds
the blood is boiling
lost in a daydream
trapped in a hazy atmosphere
where no one can escape

the sky is falling
while the ukulele strums
it’s bittersweet to know I’ve known you once before
especially cause now ur a stranger

my cheeks are soggy from the tears
wasting materials, drinks, and years
the ground is wet and damp
the rain is dripping down like the residue on my face after watching you deliberately ignore me

the earth is faint and quiet
losing the best things
inside the worse moments
slowing sobbing
in a delicate motion

but even as the world is ending
a silence is better than nothing
i hear the horns
and it’s the most pleasing noise
echoing through every corner
collecting all my memories
all my fears
all my worries
and i think i am finally alive

we are all gonna be ok

Listen to fine line while reading
It’s a magical experience, trust me

1/18/22

#fineline #harrystyles #ending #world #peace #calm #worry

louella Jan 2022

ur a skyscraper

i looked down the edges of your pigeon skyscraper
i think i got an overdose of vertigo
             u stalk me like a predator
  but ur no arnold schwarzenegger
ur a skyscraper
my city scape wouldn’t be complete without you
             but ur always gonna be taller
  and ur always gonna be higher
what’s the point in trying to knock you down?

#taller #higher #stronger #skyscraper

louella Jan 2022

i am not

i am not pretty
looking in the mirror is self pity
every tiny wrinkle from the stress my brother’s mental disorder gave me
i am ugly in the doorframe
in your eyes
maybe in every way

i am not gut wrenchingly sad
i don’t have nearly enough trauma
for my fingers to crinkle after writing
for my lips to quiver in the silence
for all the creases in my face to shiver
in the shadow of an abusive hyperbole

i am not fun
i don’t enjoy talking to freeze frames
people who don’t know my name
i don’t have many friends to make the dangers of the world mute themselves
and go away
life of the party, who what, who is she?

i am not a good person
i make excuses out of nothing
we get it, i choose rationalism to stop from getting injured
maybe nice isn’t part of my personality
i have to try so hard to be capable of speaking that it comes off rehearsed

i am not a genius
i never classified myself as sharp
or smart
kind of just a loser
trying to make sense of the world through art

i am not well known
like a fly in a mansion
the breeze even forgets my name once in a while
i should have been there a while ago
yet i paced inside my room
anxious of what everyone would do

i am not bright
i have no ambitions except seeing your eyes sparkling while the moon shines
no goals, i am never gonna be able to go to college
or be accepted into a marriage
forever alone

but i am so skeptical
and i have the most pessimistic view in the world
i don’t think you could ever love me
so you might as well give up now
or leave me out of the show
left wandering the streets of town
capable of suicide
but more the death of other’s souls
alone, alone, alone

and i oop-

1/16/22

louella Jan 2022

inner turmoil

why didn’t i say my own name?
i am so worried that i will be a burden to others
as long as i make noise.
i used to dream of fireworks and causal flirting
but that doesn’t work here.
if i wasn’t so shy, i could be the social butterfly
but i feel my bones start to crack
they crack under my heavy skin.
i wish i could be a shallow skeleton
chat as if i am a plastic doll in an easy world.
i always feel the immense pressure pushing down on me and it hurts and it burns
and i am so sick of this inner turmoil
so sick of an unknown world
beneath my callused feet
i can’t breathe

Wrote this in class
Cause I don’t know anyone

1/14/22

louella Jan 2022

Metaphors

I remember the first time I was informed
About a metaphor

I shrugged and said
“I don’t need this in the real world.
Why are you teaching us this useless fluff?”

Yet when I saw your eyes blink during
The Christmas season
I wished I had never uttered those words
With little to no understanding
Of what words can heal
And what they can express

Metaphors are the key to knowing
People better than the rest

Whoever created the concept of metaphors was an undercover genius

1/11/22

#metaphor #poem #love #passion #fire