I remember standing out on my front porch at exactly noon
I was wearing my pajamas and my hair was down,
Unwashed and wavy,
Framing my face and wrapping itself around my neck at the slightest hint of wind
I remember being nervous--
No, I take it back,
I wasn't nervous
I was filled with dread
I was barefoot out on the deck, holding a single plastic bag filled with your belongings
I gripped it loosely
Hoping that the breeze would blow it away
Hoping that the breeze would ******* away
In my other hand, I was holding a tall, full glass of tap water
And there was an apple in the chair beside me
Just in case you were hungry
I remember watching you make your way up my street
Your jeans were ***** and your long, dark brown hair was plastered to your face with sweat
Your cheeks were red
And your knuckles were white from clenching and unclenching your fist the whole way here
It must have been ninety degrees
But your flannel was neatly buttoned up all the way to your throat
I remember hearing your laboring breaths as you mounted the driveway
I remember reminiscing as I listened,
Thinking of all the times when your breath was hot and heavy on my neck
And how I could taste the sweat of your skin
I remember how your shoes beat a determined rhythm into the wooden boards of the stairs
I remember how far you stood from me
How I wiped at my eyes with the sleeves of my sweatshirt
And I could see your chest rising and falling through your flannel
I remember offering you the glass of water
And how you accepted it graciously
I remember telling you that I wished I could have provided refreshments the last time you were forced to make the inclined journey to my house with nothing but your two feet clad in cheap sneakers
I remember that wincing smile you gave me just before you put the rim of the glass to your lips
I remember watching you as you drained the cup,
Your head tilted back and your eyes closed
I remember you asking me if I was okay
And how that brought more tears to the surface than I had originally planned on showing you
I remember covering my mouth with one hand and shaking my head
I remember how you stepped forward and took me into your arms
I remember dropping the plastic bag and desperately wrapping my own arms around you
I remember pressing my body to yours as close and as tight as I could
For as long as I could
I remember feeling your heart beating against mine
And burying my face in the refuge of your neck,
Smelling your skin
I remember how you pulled away from me
And how I stared into your eyes,
Silently begging you to give me another chance
Silently telling you that I had changed
Because I had
But not in a way that would make you want to take me back
I remember watching you pick up the bag
And make fists with your hands as tears streamed down my face
I remember telling myself not to wipe them away
I remember wanting you to see them so you would always remember how much pain you had inflicted on my heart that day
I remember watching you give me a small, resigned smile
And watching you turn away towards the steps
I remember the word "wait" building up in my chest and clawing it's way up my throat and breaking out from between my lips
I remember how loud my voice sounded in the solemn silence
And how you flinched before turning back around to face me
I remember asking you for one last kiss
And how I noticed that your eyes were watering and your hands were shaking
I remember you coming back up those steps and taking my face in your hands and kissing me with all of the desperation I had been storing inside for the previous three days
I remember kissing you back, hard
And how you broke it off suddenly when I started to trace your lips with the tip of my tongue
I remember telling you that I was sorry
Even though the only thing I regretted was the fact that you had pulled away
I remember you telling me that it was okay and watching you wipe the last traces of my love off of your mouth with the back of your hand
I remember feeling as though someone had lit a match and had forced me to swallow it
I remember you reaching out and brushing the hair out of my eyes and tucking it behind my ears
I remember hearing you tell me goodbye even though it felt like there was so much left to say
I remember you walking back down the street and out of my life