There's a heaviness to my bones,
A stillness to the air I'm breathing.
Everything aches,
my whole body wrung through and bruising.
but it feels pleasant,
This gravity weighing me down,
The heaviness in my eyes.
I think I'll simply rest, here in your arms.

I’m  getting really, really tired of having to think about my feelings.

For the second night in a row, I lay awake, their face flashing through my mind again and again and again. Guilt, fury, and shame all curled together in my gut, heavy as lead, weighing me down into the bed but keeping sleep at bay.

The guilt threatened to eat me alive. But the fury curled around it, hot and unrelenting, and justified every action past justification until I’m not sure what was right and what was wrong. Were their parents even wrong? Or mine? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I went about it the wrong way.

Then came the shame. It was like fog, seeping into my chest, dousing the flames and filling my lungs. Making me choke on its lingering bitterness. If I had just kept my **** mouth shut, it would’ve been fine. Or maybe if I’d been bolder, I could’ve made a stand.

And once again, guilt spread through my gut, long fingers of ice scratching down my spine. I winced, dragging my pillow down over my face. All this thought about rights and wrongs...

It exhausts me in every sense of the word. My chest ached, their face appearing in my mind yet again. Were they just as torn, just as unsure as I was right now?

Guilt, fury, shame. The cycle continued. With a long, heavy sigh, I sit up; I guess I’m  not going to get much sleep tonight.

But what else is new.

Leave his heart
Forget his face
Surrender  his smell
You need to forget this place...
You're no longer his counterpart
Give up his embrace
Forget the fact, you knew him well

You ask for my opinion,
but did you actually want it?
It seems like you just wanted confirmation.
You ask what I'm learning,
And then proceed to tell me why all of it is wrong.
You speak
                 and
                        you speak
                                         and
                                                y o u
                                                            s  p  e  a  k

you speak without research or regard,
without consideration for the other side.
So for once can you just listen?  Cause this needs to be heard.

You are N O T  justified in oblivion.
You are entitled to your informed opinion, N O T your ignorance.
I'm sick of you talking about things you don't understand,
And I'm tired of your refusal to listen to me.

It is mortifying to be loved by you.
You aren't good
But you're my father,
And you've never hit me,
But you never truly loved me
At least not the way I wanted

Loving, is easy.
It’s the aching.
The waiting.
The breaking.
That’s what tears you apart and tells you,
Love is hard.

I have always  tried my best to share my world,
painting, writing, sketching.
But you weren't an artist.
You felt untalented.
but, my dear Melilla,
you were the   a r t

I want to ravish and scream,
I want to press my tongue into someone's mouth,
I want to press this burning into anyone else
I want it out,
Singed and simmering on someone else's skin,
This smoke so thick it could be solid to rest inside someone else's chest,
I  want to cry,
To feel numb
To let everything pour away, and never see it again,
Returning to withered ashes and bones yet again

Right now you are a tulip bud before spring,
And I know you might never bloom,
but I hope you do.
I can count your words.
the ones that shine,
on my fingers.
But I see you reaching for the sun,
growing.
So I will nurture this little hope,
the one I hide in my chest,
that one day, I will have more memories of your support,
than your homophobia

I took care of myself.
and sobbed through a therapy session,
I was the one to sign up for the next appointment.
I took care of myself
and worked through pages of homework, even when I could hear arguing from your room.
Even when tears fell on the pages and all I wanted was to run away.
I took care of myself,
When I remembered what happened,
hands under my nightgown,
My four year old brain not knowing what was happening.
I took care of myself,
When I bought a pride shirt,
And some middle aged women told me I was going to hell.
I took care of myself,
Even when you told me the God I know is with me,
Was against my very being.

I did it on my own.
So when you say you won’t walk me down the aisle,
Or pay for my wedding,
Or love me the way you said you always would...
I don’t need you. I learned.
At sixteen,
How to love myself,
And I did on my own.

A voice so deep,
It sounds like it was always there,
And yet so quiet,
It's almost hard to hear,
The light in the darkest nights,
And the shield that protects me,
When my burden is too hard to bear,
My lord is with me
Everywhere

Niveous, Your soul is niveous,
You dance slightly, following the wind,
You are separate, uniquely beautiful,
You are always cold, pale and thin,
And you are so beautiful, always falling for someone,
Always twirling in a cloud of life.
The sky is dark, but with you here, the world seems brighter...

What do i do
Can you please be concerned
Try to understand
My world ends almost every week
And you just stand there
I can’t do this without you
I deserve to sleep at night
But when your gone,
I wonder if your ok
School is getting so hard
If you don’t come back
I’ll be dysfunctional
I won’t come back
I’ll stay in my mind
Nonexisting

Be yourself
There is no one else
Be who you are
and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind
And I don’t mind

I guess I Shouldn’t
cry because it's over,
But  smile because it happened
It might overcome the sadness,
But i never quite escape the nostalgia…

How do you live,
With these broken memories in your head,
And happy feelings in your heart?

No one ever listens
How do I move on with the weight of my past on my back,
The comfort so welcoming
I always cry
Over the things that don’t matter

Hiding the hurt,
hiding the pain,

Hiding the tears that fell like rain…
So long ago, and yet,
Time is weird in my head

Parks,
Libraries,
Your room,
A lake.

These are the places in your life where society does not expect you to spend money. You simply go there to be.

I wish you feel these secret emotions
These impulses I lock away, praying to God they’re purely platonic.
I wish to wrap my fingers in your hair,
I wish your uniquely cinnamon scent was up for grabs.
Your fluffy sweaters drape you well,
And your puffy eyes peak out like an unforeseen storm.
If only you would feel the way I do.
But if you do not, can we still be friends?

Deep orbs of water, like the depths of the sea
Soft and dappled in the morning light, I stare into your eyes,
Slowly forest specks are visible, deep and dark around the pupils.
I watch you dilate and reflect, struggling to understand my gaze,
I give a small smile, tired from talking all night.
My head falls to your shoulder, and you wrap the blanket closer around us.
Nights like this are the best, nights where I watch the laughter and mirth bubble through,
Causing the deepness of your eyes to twinkle, nights where we sit and cry, talking of all the hurt.
Up on our small roof I watch your eyes fill with tears, causing the soft specks to be prominent until I’m stumbling in woods of fir trees and emeralds. But I know how to bring the ocean back, how to make the waters as bright as the sky.

January 3rd, 2018.
That is the day your music stopped.
I knew it would, but I could not have imagined how empty our house became.
No one else noticed that. They missed you of course, Mom, Dad, even our sister, but they didn’t notice the things I did.
Like when you came home late, those nights I was the only one up, raptured by my book.
Before your car’s light began to shine through my closed blinds, I would hear your music, playing so loud it would wake me sometimes.
I never minded though.
I would wait for you to come inside, listen as you whisper-sang the lyrics to the songs you loved so much, closing the door behind you.
I would lay down my book and just rest as you half ran up the stairs, opening and closing the doors between your room and the bathroom, getting ready for bed. When you finally finished I’d simply go back to my book, a smile resting on my lips.
Or when you sang in the shower. You either couldn’t hear yourself or just didn’t care how you sounded, because your voice would go on off notes cracking.
But it always brought a smile to our Mom’s face, softening the room.
I remember when you played your music upstairs, real music, loud and half hazzard.
But because of the constant ache in Dad’s head, you plugged your instruments into your computer, shutting us in a silence. But I would often still feel a faint beat in my room, your foot tapping the floor, your instruments silent but still thrumming.
I remember how youth-group changed without you there. I felt lost without a comforting face to look upon.
But it wasn’t until later that summer,when we went to visit you that i accepted the silence, because even though the music followed you, we were not together 24/7. I would never be able to live in it again.
That summer was a hard summer. But by the end I began to press play on a new track.
August 27th, 2018.
That was the day my music started.

I wish you could live inside my heart, see deep into my soul.
I wish you could rest in our love, be calmed by our mutual “more than friends”
I hope you would see me, feel me and tell me I’m better than I think of myself.
I hope you know how much I love you, adore your smile and how much I wish I could be loved.
I want you to comfort me, to get closer, to stay when I say go.
I want you to understand i’m pushing you away because I care too much, and it’ll only hurt when you eventually leave...
I know you’ll never feel the same, you could never love me, but I want you to understand how loved you are, because if the situations were reversed, I’d want the same.
I know this is cliche, but sometimes these words must still come out...

Trying to be perfect,
is killing me,
sending acid in my veins
Fire in my lungs.
Maybe I'll just wilt away
And show you what you've created.

When you open your eyes,
Heavy from  sleep,
Your body trying to keep your mind out of reality,
And make it stay in your dream,
And no matter how hard you try,
You just can’t remember,
And yet the emotion lingers,
Leaving you nostalgic,
And feeling like you just left,
The most real and authentic moment of your life.
Well I have a secret,
Those nights when your mind wanders,
You are connected,
To that one person
The soulmate you haven't met,
That is why,
When you meet them,
It’s like you've known them all your life…

I dreamed you kissed me
That you loved me enough
To break it
And kiss me.

I hate the stretch marks on my thighs,
I hate the way I smile
I hate my chubby tummy and the way my arms flap,
I detest my hands, my odd fingers.
I despise the fat under my chin, the bump on my nose,
And I dislike my broad shoulders

I love my muscle in my calves,
I love my blue eyes, my long eyelashes,
I love my lips,
I like my long caramel hair
I take pride in my curves and indented waist
And I adore my sense of fashion...

Then i plunge down, under the gelid water
And the world around me softens
I open my eyes to a familiar glow
The muffled light and the deepened shadows
Remind me of a time when all we said was “hello”

When you leave, i’ll still seek her
But she never left that stupid coffin
So it seems we’ll never know
The world beyond the shadows

There are mornings,
where my bed is a casket,
where I do not breath,
I do not see,
I cannot rise,
And I have no life to save,
to cry,
to sleep,
to be anything,
or any more of myself
For I am exhausting,
and I find stillness only in my death.

I watch the words swim,
and swallow razor blades.
I wish I could say I'm okay,
but unfortunately, I can't speak a word.
I skip lunch, my stomach too turbulent to trust.
I do my math test, correct some science papers
I don't want to go home, would honestly rather be at school
I don't know why I can't take a break, but I'll just keep coughing,
Sitting in my sick...

I'm sad
I'm tired,
I don't know why,
And trying seems a bit hard,
But don't let that fool you,
I love my life,
I love my world,
And this is simply...
Me

I’ve been dreaming about you
And I realised, i never got to know
Until i realised that we were overdue
You were already gone
And your broken parts
Were scattered and twinkling
like the morning dew
In the morning dawn
Always out of reach

i left it in the band hallway,
so it was stolen,
by someone i pass everyday,
they used my card,
but i do not know if they took everything.
I hope they left behind the rest.

Your face brings joy to the forefront of my mind
I look at you and know that no matter what,
I’ll be alright. I can be okay.
But along with that, there are times I think of you and my eyes *****
They burn with unshed tears, And for the life of me, I can’t understand why.
Maybe looking at such a great being, at such a wonderful friend, simply is too great for comprehension.
Maybe this feeling brings the same sadness as watching the night sky, and listening to the thunder,
Maybe when I look at you I see sunflowers and daisies, I see the forest in all its majesty.
But whatever the reason, you make me want to live everyday like its my last,
Your friendship brings out that part of me that wants to dance without a care,
That wishful part of me that believes I could sing without anxiety.
You make me want to feel soft kisses, and sometimes when I think of you…
It makes me wish for small tears that never come...

I'm here to stay.
Howling, your demons fight and scratch and scream.
I know Honey.
We're still best friends.
Hush your whimpers, I know they whisper in your ear.
Sometimes I can hear them too.
You're a queen and a broken one at that.
But I'm here now, to hold and keep you as best I can.
You can fight back.
I'll still be here. as hard as you push away. I'm still here.

Deep inside of me,
I am torn
A book without pages,
An empty spine
Somewhere,
I'll find you,
I can't save you,
But i'll stay,
Like i always have...

Im sorry
I know i’m clingy,
I know you don’t understand the hugs I need when I’m sad,
The embraces I give when I’m happy,
I understand that you simply don’t get this side of me.
This part of me that physically latches onto anyone I cuddle with,
The constant touch and contact I give and take.
I’m sorry I’m desperate and I need you constantly,
I know that you don’t understand how I can be so vain, and yet so self conscious,
The soft parts of me are so molded to be who my friends need,
And yet I can feel so alone.
I’m sorry….

should i keep it?
or should i cut it?