I sit in the waiting room until I hear my name
I stand and follow the nurse into the tiny room
As I sit she asks,
“Last name and date of birth”
She takes my blood pressure and temperature
“Do you feel safe at home?”
I answer yes for I live on my own.
I feel safest by myself.
“Any thoughts of suicide or self harm?”
“No” I quietly mutter outloud
And on she goes
Little does she know what’s going on inside my head
I can just imagine the look on her face if I had spilled out everything
“Well you see, I have extreme anxiety, I overanalyze every situation I’m in, I get panic attacks, I think about cutting at least twice a day, I contemplate suicide on the worst days and am depressed beyond belief
But you’d never be able to tell just by looking at me.
Even she wouldn’t know what to do.
No one would know what to do
Not even I
For I argue with myself every night
Back and forth
Back and forth
I don’t think I have the courage too
Every time I get close I just can’t.
Deep down I know the people who care about me would be devastated
Maybe one day it’ll all go away
And my mind will be clear
Maybe... just maybe
I will be okay.
You have the same skin throughout your whole life
Yet how is it possible to feel like you’re not in your own skin?
This is not me
But yet here I am in front of the mirror
Layers and layers they pile on
Tears stream down my face for I don’t recognize myself anymore.
Tempted to cut it all off
But then they will see
See how much pain I’m in
And I can’t handle that.
I can’t handle any of this
My life is spirling out of control and all I can do is just stand here
Looking at the mirror wondering where I went
And if I’ll ever come back
Do you ever wake up and feel like you haven’t slept a minute?
Do you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person you see?
Do you go to your job and slug through the day?
Do you skip meals because all you want to do is sleep?
Do you let your mood swings ruin your day?
Do you snap at those you love?
Do you realize all these things but can’t muster the strength to fix it?
Do you cry yourself to sleep with the though of how much you hate who you’ve become?
Do you make plans to change but never follow through?
Do people leave you in the dust like you never even mattered?
Do you count down the hours until you can be alone
And then sit alone while you’re depression swallows you whole.
Do you wish things could go back to the way they were?
But deep down you know they never will.
Do you feel stuck
Or like you’re going into a fight blind?
You’ll come out with bruises yet you’ll do it again
Do you want to run your fingers across the blade?
But don’t because your loved ones will criticize you for it
How can I fix this?
Please someone tell me
I miss you
I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true
I miss your face
How close we were
I considered you my little sister
Then there came a day where that all changed
And it’s all my fault
I was blinded
And I apologize
Now you want nothing to do with me
And I don’t blame you
But it kills me inside knowing you’ve blocked me from your life
I recently saw your instagram
For the first time in years
You’re so beautiful
Don’t let anyone tell you different
I wish I could be in those pictures with you
I want to make you smile again
I hope there comes a day where you can forgive me
And we can be close again
Because I truly do miss you
I close my eyes and all I can see are flashes from that night.
Its quiet, yet I’m wide awake
One more episode then bed
A strange odor fills the room
Panic sets in
Body’s rushing through the house
The sound of fire trucks in the distance
Thick grey and black tornados
A loud pop as all the windows shatter
Flames seep through the windows and doors
It’s climbing through the house
All I can do is sit and watch as the smoke fills the sky
Nothing’s left but an outline of a house that’s no longer a home
I survived a house fire. Someone was watching over me that night.
We scroll through Facebook to hide our emotions
While posting about things to make it seem as though we have emotions
Voicing our opinion on things that won’t even matter in the morning.
Week by week wasting time on things that don’t matter
While running from what we know we need to do.
Why are we so afraid?
Maybe it’s the thought of putting in all the work and then still have nothing to show for it.
How do we know what we want ten years from now
when we can’t even decide what to have for dinner tonight
Stress adds up which makes us feel down
Motivation is hard to find when you don’t know where you’re going.
Close friends becomes distant memories
And suddenly you’re all alone with every decision you’ve ever made.
Scary isn’t it?
— The End —