I
Have never fit into myself
It’s not that I have outgrown my skin but that my skin has outgrown me
See my skin doesn’t fit me
No tailor will sew me tighter to myself
And trust me I’ve asked
I am told I should love my skin
And I do but how can I love my skin when it doesn’t love me
I don’t know why
I do know that I
Have never been full of myself
I am two sides of two different coins
Two halves of two different equations
I don’t fit either half how I’m supposed to
I’m a mix, a recipe of culture
From my white skin
My tounge holds a contradicting name
And even that has been cause for argument
And it’s not just to my eyes
People tell me a different name would suit me better
I’m not enough of the other
I’m not enough of myself
But I can only ever be myself
I have been overlooked
Peered through like a looking glass to the two things that make up me
But I
Am not a me anymore
That has been made crystal clear
Stripped from the skin that didn’t fit me in the first place
I’d pull the zipper myself
I’d pull half of myself away thinking maybe then
I’ll fit

Can't call 911 for this,
I can't save you this time.

Open the curtains for the first time in ages.
The walls weep,
dripping yellow-brown nicotine,
crying brown tears for you.
Carpet stained spots of brown black blood,
a macabre Jackson *******.
Stained, sweat-soaked sheets smell,
the stench of withdrawal and agony.
**** and mold growing on the toilet,
like tiny bonsai trees.

The sun catches your face,
lightly touching a cheek-bone,
saying goodbye in it's own way.
Hazel eyes wide open,
mouth frozen,
a sort of painful grimace.

I want to clean it all away.
I want to scrub every wall,
every moulding,
every inch.
Bleach it all white.
Pull the **** across a giant etch-a-sketch of the scene.
And when it's clean,
When all of it is finally clean...

I will cover every wall like a canvas, with every note you ever left me.
Top to bottom,
wall to wall,
I will paint your words.
When I was away too long and you missed me,
when you wanted to cheer me up,
Or when you just wanted to say,
"I love you".

To answer the question
I don’t know
See, I’m only 16
The facets of my personality are still leaking
Don’t get me wrong
There are things about me that will never change
But I am ever-changing
See, if people never change
If we believe that we can never grow
Then we never will
You can’t hold an umberella over a garden and complain about the lack of growth
You can’t ignore the negative outcome of a situation and complain about your lack of growth
And maybe I’m just a shell of the person I was two years ago
Maybe I’m just a ghost of the person I was a year ago
But time is precious
It may not heal your wounds but it will teach you how to

This is new
We are new
I don’t really know what to call this- us
I don’t know what to do
I don’t do this
I haven’t done this
I’m new to this
Isn’t it obvious?
Can you tell just how
Lost I get in your eyes
How easily I lose my way in your hair
How readily I come into your arms
You’ll have to forgive me
This is my first time trying to navigate this
I don’t want to call this an experiment
But I must look like a scientist trying to figure out what to do and what not to do
I hate to ask
But does this come with a handbook?
Will you read me the instructions?
This has always seemed like it would be so much easier
But right now I feel like I’m putting together a table from Ikea
Luckily
You are right next to me
Showing me what to do
This hasn’t been going on for very long
But you have to understand
If I feel a bit like a deer caught in your headlights
Stunned
It’s because you
Are stunning
The way you write, speak, dress
Hell, even the way you walk demands my attention
Leaving me wide eyed
Frozen
I don’t want to mess this up
Mess us up
I still don’t know what to call this
What to call us
I’m still a deer in the middle of the road
But you untagle the knots I form in my own mind
You help me to understand

I don’t drink
I don’t drink because I don’t search for a good time in the glass confines of liquid poison
I don’t drink because my image of this honey colored pass-time has been tainted- discolored by an addiction I have too much knowledge of, wildly mishandeled before I was able to get my hands near it
I don’t drink because I have heard too many “drunk stories” from people who aren’t the main character
The thought of that scares me
I don’t drink because I’m a control freak
I don’t drink because if I wouldn’t do it sober I don’t want to do it ever
I don’t drink because I have never seen the appeal of not remembering your actions- of not acting in a way you would be proud of
If I am not in control of my body than tell me who is?
I don’t drink because my vision is already blurry I don’t need liquid lies to do that for me
I don’t drink because I can barely function sober
I don’t think inebriating myself would help that
I don’t drink because I’ve never had an itch in my throat that can only be satiated by the tar of alcohol
I don’t hunt for the burning sensation on my tounge after a long day- or any day really
See I don’t have a high pain tolerance
I don’t drink because I don’t crave the rabbit hole that too many have fallen into
I don’t want to fall prey to that darkness
To the suffocating lack of light that follows the last pour of a bottle
I don’t drink because I don’t care for the brazen words that don’t have a grip on their volume
Words that wouldn’t have been said if the drinker knew what was being said
I don’t drink because I already have trust issues
I don’t drink because I don’t want to be another victim of *******
Because anything can happen when you don’t know what’s happening
Because too many people use “but I was drunk” as an excuse for ruining someone elses night
For ruining someone elses life
25% of women have experienced ****** assault in all it’s variety
Nearly half of those casses have alcohol lighting up someone’s bloodstream
I don’t search for those lights
My decision is not made on the oassumption that I wouldn’t like the taste
My decision is made because I have a history with something I’ve never even touched
My decision is made because 28 people die due to drunk driving every day in this country
I don’t want to be the 29th
I don’t drink because I don’t want to
Because I know
too much
about it