I smell like the cigarette that I put out on my skin
The sting's still there
It turned to a bright red spot before it went black
I smell like the **** that I smoked
I need it to keep the voices quiet
It turns my thoughts into clouds and my mood into water
I smell like the liquor I drank
I need it to feel alive
I need it to feel like I am somebody
I smell like the blood seeping out of my fresh cuts
I need it to stay calm
Without it I would lose myself in the eye of a noose
Why do I need all these things to make me feel like I am somebody? Without them I turn into my biggest demons and I can't face myself for a second being like that. Why can't I just be like everyone else and find pleasure instead of escape in atleast 3 of these things. Why can't I stop being me?

No I'm not okay. I feel depressed, have anxiety. I fear rejection and commitment at the same time. I want to tell someone before it's too late, but I don't want to hurt you. I need someone to hug me and tell me it's all gonna be okay. I want to tell everything I've been through. But what if I tell and you reject me? What if you leave me? I can't go through that another time.

And they're all laughing
I'm there too, trying my best to keep my smile on point
it hurts so bad to be in in this room
I adore all of them, but I feel alone
I feel so isolated from the rest of the group, even tho I am the one making jokes
being social does't make me feel any better though
I love all these people
I've known them for years
But it hurts to be here

It's not going so well right now
They say fake it till you make it
So I do that
I fake it every day
I smile, I tell people what they want to hear
'yes I'm okay, it's going to be allright, I feel fine'
But I'm burning inside
This raging fire ate away at my innards
It only left some fog to fill my brain
I'm not okay and it's not gonna be okay.
I don't know how to end this without ending myself
But there are things to fight for
They keep me alive
My arms are getting tired and I'm covered in bruises
I don't know how much longer I can take the punches
They are slowly killing me

And there's all this rage inside of me
All this pain and anger
I can't tell you how much there is  
You'll get scared
I held everything in from age 6 to now
All the pain and the heartbreak
People abused me and left me
People pulled me in and kicked me away
I've never been someone's first choice
I've never been someone's priority
It scares me when people get too close
It scares me when people ask me about myself
Because all I've ever known was helping others
All I've ever done was prioritizing everything above my own mental health
Even at the unit
Even in my therapy sessions
And I'm so done with it
I'm so done with breathing air for other people