What am i supposed to do
When everything is too much
When the idea of getting out of bed
Sounds like the hardest thing of my life
I stand in front of the mirror
I need to wash my face
I need to brush my teeth
So why can't I?
Why does that feel impossible

What am i supposed to do
When my entire life is a game of minesweeper
Always one move away from game over
From an explosion
And when I say explosion I mean of emotion

Anger that shakes me to my core
Anger that makes it impossible to do anything
Anger that makes me yell at you
Even if you don't deserve it.

Or maybe it'll be sadness
Soul crushing heartbreaking sadness
Tears that won't stop until you are choking
Literally choking for air.

What am i supposed to do
When I can't seem to enjoy anything
When everything is lack luster
When everything is pointless.

What am i supposed to do?
What can I do?
nothing.

I'm sorry
Sometimes it feels like thats all i say
I'm sorry for being a mess
And being unstable
Sometimes it feels like i'm sorry is all that i am
Everything i do wrong
My existence hurting everyone
But no more than me
Im sorry
It falls from my lips over and over again
A mantra that i cant stop repeating
Im sorry feels like the only thing
The only thing that can make you stay
I'm sorry
Please don't leave me im trying
I say it over and over
Until it annoys you
And then once or twice more to apologize for that
I'm sorry
That I cant get control
I'm sorry
That all i do is fall apart
I'm sorry
That I hold you back
I'm sorry
That I’m alive

As I lay in bed alone
Darkness closes in.
I realize all I am up against,
The battles that I may not win.
I stress and fuss
Until all seems lost
And desperately I try to sleep.

But all is well,
When you come home.
You slip in next to me,
Gently to not wake me.
Your warmth fills my heart,
Drives out the darkness.
Peacefully I sleep.
Knowing that with you by my side,
There is no battle I can lose.

"Think of something that you know to be true.
There are no wrong answers and only one rule,
Do not overthink this."

My mind is racing,
What do I know to be true.
The grass is green,
And the sky is blue.
I know these to be true,
but these can't be worth writing down.

Love hurts,
Stress kills.
People are mean,
My mind won't sit still.
I know these to be true,
but these are too intense to write down.

We need to dream big,
but start small.
Appreciate everything,
regret nothing at all.
I know these to be true,
but these are too cliche to write down.

So what is something I know to be true?
I overthink, quiet literally everything.

37 sleepless hours,
Felt like a  mistake.
Competition over,
Tests all taken.
But the memories are just beginning.
The room goes dark,
100’s of DECA kids go silent.
The hypnotist begins to talk.
Slow, methodical rhythm.
All care disappears.
The stress of competition is gone.
Seeming to melt off my body.
Eyes become heavy,
Heavier.
Bodies become heavy,
Heavier.
And somehow I'm asleep.
Leaning against you now.
If I only knew then all I know now.
The trauma that would come from this conference
I would have made it 38 hours
Or even 40 without sleep.

Your words continue to bounce in my head
Everything you say,
Seems to have so much weight.
I can't help but think,
Analyze,
Over-analyze.
No matter if it was something said yesterday
or last year.
The words continue to bounce around.

Why is it I am so drawn to you?
Days
Months
Years have passed.
Yet still, im wrapped around your finger.
I fight it,
oh so desperately I fight it.
Yet everytime you come back into my life
I seem to almost start over.
Two steps forward,
one step back.
That's how i've been living my life.
Why?
I really need to know.