when do we lose our imagination,
our curiosity and lust for life.

is it during the first heartbreak,
where our souls are left scattered in the remains of something beautifully haunting.

is it during the death of our loved ones,
holding hands, burning eyes, tight throats,
whispering our last hello and goodbye.

is it during the realization that our age comes finality,
generations before us falling to their knees,
back into the earth that bore our footsteps.

is it during the times that test our strength,
foreign words of sickness, a prognosis,
cancer burning in her chest, chased with poison to eradicate.

when do we lose everything,
our hearts built around familiarity, family,
the loving smiles and tears that brought us into this world.

i find it hard to sleep at night, as i toss and turn,
thoughts haunting the corridors of my mind -  
wondering where i lost my imagination,
my curiosity and lust for life.

Did she even have to convince you?
Or did you follow along willingly, a puppy with a lead.
How could you not feel the ghost of my kiss upon your lips,
Whispering every single I love you, so softly.
How my hand would trail down your back, wrap around your side,
Tugging you closer to the safety of my heart.
When she gave you that look, I fear you fell headfirst.
Not once did you think of how I felt you so strongly,
As your roots were buried within my very being.
My love, I would have followed you through the valley of death.
But I guess her lips formed the right words, playing your tune so sweetly.
Haven’t you thought of how hard it has been for me,
To stitch up my remaining half of our heart?
The way I’ve bled for you and the future we had at our fingertips.
I’m left to wonder why I couldn’t give you what you wanted,
Why my entire heart and soul wasn’t good enough?
She must have been everything I never was, for you to stray so far.
In this palpable darkness, I fear I’ll never find my way out.
I’ll continue to claw at its edges, while you love another.
Never would I wish you harm, as I’d be my own enemy.
And so, my green eyes, I hope she’s all you could dream of,
I hope she’s worth my shattering world.

Into the night I drive, headlights peering curiously at me before passing by in slow motion.
Everything has become drenched in this murky darkness, dragging and pulling at my frayed edges.
Hardly can I recognize myself any longer, as I stare blankly in the mirror, dead eyes glazed over.
Old love, do you happen to see the listless dreams within the lines dug through my once smooth skin?
Hysterics bubble to the surface of my lips as I remember again how you threw my love in my face, clearly you had it in abundance.
Realizing that you simply don't care, as you can't even bring yourself to meet my pleading gaze.
Admitting defeat, I turn away, dragging my decimated heart behind me, down into the inky valley where I'll wait.
I'll wait until I am able to understand that I am worth a love as grand as mine, someone who puts the Sun and Moon into my skies, as I blindly thought you once did for me.
A love so bold it brings shame to the beasts who chase each other across galaxies, time and time again.
Perhaps someday I'll be more than a pit stop on someone's promiscuous road and I'll find a home in this careless world.
Where forever doesn't come with an expiration date.

cicadas strum in a dream
as the rain falls peacefully
and i'm wrapped up in his sheets

so i only think about it at night
memories that sing beautifully
your words they come to me

While I fought to contain the agony,
you walked over the stolen words and out of my sight.
Desperate, I sought after you,
surely this was a mistake.
But in her arms you lay, peace written on your face with soft spoken kisses.
Your home within me was decimated, a sanctuary no longer.
Only barren memories of a time not long ago,
where I was the one who whispered to you that everything would be okay.

do you miss when we were young,
with stolen glances in the schoolyard.

before time intervened and we found ourselves
older, with stories to callous our hearts.

i remember your face and ocean eyes,
the flame that ignited when you smiled.

it's hard to believe the hours and miles
that have been kept between you and i.

but when you grabbed my hand that cloudy night,
i knew you would ruin me for life.

it's one of those nights,
where the lights don't feel right,
and the darkness mocks me.

my heart beats in time,
with your fingers on my temples,
telling me it's all in my head.

your face is a pale stranger,
eyes a despondent wanderer,
two hardened brown orbs.

you tell me it will be okay,
that it has to be,
and i know that it is a lie.

because the glass fogs,
and here i am,
alone.

I spoke with the trees until they helped me to sing your name upon the wind.
Passing in all directions, they carried whispers to one another, admiring how the moonlight seemed to make your skin glow.
They told me how you danced through the ferns, your black-clad frame disappearing until the stars shone within your bottle green eyes.
When I dreamt of you, the leaves drifted your scent to curl around me, an embrace filled with longing.
You spoke my name, a breath carried along the honeysuckle wind.
Tasting your cruel sadness, my tongue felt thick with regret.
My sweet dream, how could you not feel the air around you charged with the pain of my soul, the words trapped in my throat.
I tried to speak my apology, but miles away you had wandered, stealing my heart, hiding it in the jar within your pack.
Branches leaned down to eavesdrop on your heartbreak, alien to the endless life of an oak.
Tinged in blue, your resting place reflected the depths of our despair.
Closer I tasted you, felt the hum on my skin, excitement buzzed in my soul.
Those eyes on the horizon, I watched you turn away.

i bite down to taste blood,
ground myself in this plane of desolation,
  to feel anything other than numb.

i share in your suffering,
where you are lost and afraid,
  broken before you begin.

i put my hands out into the stillness,
but it is hard to reach you,
  in the dark alleys of your mind.

i close my eyes against the change,
selfish, scared, swallowing every regret,
  where it resonates in the notes and chords.

i would trade places with you,
if only i could see your light shine,
  beautiful smile and hazel eyes.

do you remember what it felt like to be in that dark place
as it suffocated, choked, fell like inky black tar,
we felt like we would never be able to surface.

do you remember what it felt like to hold hands for the first time
as you reached out into that endless space,
your hands so very rough against mine.

do you remember what it felt like to end up falling
as the gravity reversed around our hearts and the light exploded,
and i could finally drown in those warm brown eyes.

i loved you with all the butterflies that were inside
as they would sing your name and spin and spiral.

i loved you with every heartbeat that left me weak
when it would flutter and try to catch flight.

i loved you with every sundrop that fell between us
as we made love out by the tall grass that warm night.

i guess what i am trying to say is that good things
can come from broken hearts and when i forget
i can look into our stitched hearts
and remember that
i love you.