I can't count
The ways that I've hurt me
The times that I've cried
The times that I've said goodbye
I know
That I may act weirdly
A little unyieldy
Afraid to say hello
But please
You're so very dear to me
The way that you smile
The way you seem to care
Please don't
Let me run away
I'm so full of fear
I'm scared I'll let you go
Hold me
So very close to you
So I can just cry
Into the warmth of you
I think
If I can love you
Maybe you could teach me
To love myself too

My balloon is black
As black as night
Filling me with dread
A horrible feeling
That I'm sadly used to
I can see it now
The future of my black balloon
It is taken ahold of
By an evil being
And popped
I thought I felt bad before
But now it's much worse
Much worse
Much worse
It's so much more than dread
It's temptation
I'm tempted to end it all
But I can't seem to get out of bed
My body doesn't want to move
It's ironic how my depression
Is what saved my life
For another day
Another day
Another day
But it's getting harder
Harder to move
And harder to resist these  temptations
I'm about to pop
Like a balloon
A black balloon
My black balloon

~

had i not known wrong
i had been the lesser man
had i not sung winter’s song
i had known no warmth to gain
had i never tasted blood
i failed to see fragility
and had i not these understood
life’s tenderness was lost to me.

~

*post script.

for Pradip who shared the only muse these words were wanting on this special holy-day. please read SJR's gorgeous post, but then see Pradip’s after-words here: https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2246391/gratitude/

Epiphany: January 6th https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epiphany_(holiday)