Cookie in my hand.

Crumbs on the seat.

No gas in the tank,
but a nice sweet treat.

:)

I wish I had never met Death.

Her name sours my stomach and,
scratches my skin.

I hope I never hear her name,
when I begin again.

Try to explain a rhyme
To someone that can't hear

To live
Oh, to live
is to be so afraid to die.

I’ve lost a part of me,
but I can’t remember why.

Past, present, future;
they’re all the same.

One more year,
same old game.

Last night I dreamed I
slipped and slit my throat on stacking bills

I called the repo man
,he said he didn't give a ****.
Told me that they took his car too.

I gave up on being angry.
Gave up on having hope.
Seems like, I always end up in this boat.

Sorry for myself? Maybe a bit
Mostly just deeply despise
the person I begged myself not to become.

Turning into my mother's -
Plural.

The first - alcoholic
Child lost.

The second- pitifully poor
Child raised to learn how to never ask for help.

Never smart enough to help themselves.

Yes, a young version of myself
would be happy to see who I am today.

However,
I don't feel a sense of
~pride~
(Picture rainbow letters if you wish)

It's been a hard year.

The first
Since I've really been "out".

But it's been deafeningly lonely
And confusing

Lately -
I don't recognize myself at all.

Maybe I never have,
or never will.

Seems everyday I lose more confidence.

Maybe it's the drugs
Or the alcohol
Or the ******* pandemic
Or maybe everyone just feels this way
and I'm a raging narcissistic

I saw a quote today
"Growth will also feel like loss."

It's fitting.

Seeing as I feel like I lose myself more and more each day.

Slumlords sleep
while poor souls weep,
for bills won't meet
And children's feet -
growing and growing and growing.

Pressure's building.
Age not slowing.

I thought it would be calm by now.

But things are worse,
&
To God I curse.

Nothing is going as planned.

I'm trying to look at the positive.

Looking
And
Looking
And
Looking

God, please
Is there a positive?

falling
&
falling
&
falling
behind

Outta money
Outta time

Feels like just months ago
I had my life together but,

Here i am
trying to put my life together

again
&
again

Love
~
To ‘Joci’
We honor you.

Rage
~
We failed you.


Solidarity
~
I’m so very sorry.

maybe it’s the drugs
maybe it’s just how I feel

Sank into the black ink  
and bathed in the warmth of his skin
inebriated
&
willingly losing my breath.

My back burned red and
water filled my ears.

It was easy to drown the
sound of doubt
circling in the drain -    

Until it wasn’t

Until flesh turned cold
And my bones told
that it was time to go.  

Tears came but
they couldn’t heat me up.

As the tub emptied,
I sat shivering for a while
a chilly sting
lingering
on my chest.

I still don’t know how
to express

This ever constant,
beating in my chest

A dark grey pulse

My heart
crossfaded with
love and loneliness

Woke up feeling, uncomfortably content.
So, I drove myself to the
edge of sanity.
I sat there a while,
wondering
what comes next.

Woke this morning
ready to start
Dream in my eyes
poem in heart

Drank my morning brew,
and now
~it’s not quite right~

Ah well,
Off we go

Every sunset
slowly shifts.
The eyes adjust,
as lighting splits.

Reflections of moments past
light the way.

We are never truly
living in the present.

Always, rushing forward,

Bones built with empty tp rolls
Skin scratchy paper
Brain stitched with badly written poems
Veins flowing *****
Eyes rolled with strawberry swishers
Nose bleeding paint
Chest dried out in the sink
//
Feet laying down for the night
Thoughts stain the sheets
\

will I feel balanced again?

~
s o f t stream
into
raging river
~~~
Is there
purpose
in
your path
?

I got a bit absentminded this year
I guess you could say I was
distracted
,my brain cells turned flaccid,
by the end of the ******* world.

haven't you people ever heard of

washing your ******* hands?

No!
it's much better to face these kinds of things
with mass frenzy over-rationing!

Do what I say
In your own way
Oh, what irony
That I control reality.

type a poem
hit delete

try again
on repeat

final one
til defeat

posted it
uncomplete ...

I am a fraud
4 years later
still ain't found god.

my brain stopped
searching
for words to say

my head don't bow
and
I will not pray

my heart fell silent
and never
returned

I'm not a poet
but, I am more
learned.