I slept on a couch with my son.
7 months.. I reach out and touch
I feel the absent air in my grasp,
Waking up in the morning to my “sun.” The warmth is gone.
He’s not there, even if he wanted to be
Constant pain, as if that’s all I’m meant to see.
As I take a step my foot lands on a rock, i cry.
I trip and I stumble I call out his name.
As if it was his favourite toy.
But it wasn’t, I don’t know what that is anymore. I’m angry.
He’s a grown boy now mom,
Your grasp is strong; we’re both smothered.

I feel a slight separation between us, like Canada to USA, but the furthest parts. We’re so close.

My life is like a tv show,
Only..the best part is the commercial.
There’s bits and pieces for everybody to like,
It’s a family show, with..
Well it’s not a family show; there’s gore and pain, it’s just not at face value.
Mr clean dry eraser for my bad days
To erase them away; no time to stay in these thoughts.

My legs tied in place so I could not flee
She stomped on my chest and it made me bleed
My heart slowly fading I'm struggling to breathe
She had me so blinded my eyes could not see
I'm Lost in the dark there's no finding peace.

Deep blue sea,
Life isn't as its meant to be.
no beauty that my eyes can see,
I feel like it's my time to flee.
I'm slowly learning how to breathe
There's nothing left but deep blue seas
She had me under lock and key,
So much I wish I did not see
Drifting out into deep blue sea
Is where I really want to be.

Depression is a dark sky, but my star’s still shining baby❤️
life is filled with dark corners
Dark corners that twist and turn, as to break a bone without pain,
but what can you do?
As a rose, it’s beauty unmatched..
But the thorns are all you fear.
My sight is clear, but empty faces,
Empty faces that scream threats with sharp eyes and piercing thoughts that cut me ever so gently
as to hide the scars from sight.
It’s my ocean, it spreads across all I know,
But the touch is all that matters
It’s the warmth of the sun on a face on a warm summer day,
It’s the smell of the wild flowers blanketing the beautiful mountain scapes hugging the sky, with gentle arms.
The touch, is all we really want.
But some can’t face it.

My girlfriend posted a picture last fall, I glared, smiled, she looked like a star, I commented, so beautiful.. my eyes were locked. “Twinkle twinkle” I should’ve thought, I worked real hard and banked the pay, my mind was racing from earlier that day, that photo I seen I can’t turn away.. I notice how I forget what to say. I check the post and my comment is gone.. I’m curious because it didn’t feel wrong?
I guess that’s when we change the song.....
The picture was posted her intentions weren’t focused
I liked the picture she posted that day,
Unfortunately i noticed it wasn’t for me,
That night she glared, didn’t feel right Every word started a fight
I’m not jealous but her phone there it laid, I picked it up and the picture had stayed. Active and full, of comments and love,
I smiled, I read, the comments turned blank,
As I read the comment from him.
blank.

It's not what you think, or what you did
Its the positives you made and the negatives you rid,

I see through you
a window to your heart.
I lean in close it’s unlatched,
I open your window.
there’s nothing there?
But fire..
Sounds echo through my head,
“I love you.”  
So many words best left unsaid. The  latch burnt my fingers,
but the pain left with you long ago.

I’ve dated a queen and a peasant;
life’s full of questions
The queen was needy and had her own way
The peasant was kind, and lived far away.
The queen had it good, and thought she ruled. The love wasn’t fair; and she took what she could,
A son a daughter..
I wasn’t ready; my life torn in two,
See my heart was with another,
Who deserved, wanted it too.
The peasant I loved.. my heart resides,
As she was the woman, who had stolen my eyes,
Long long ago I fell deep in love,
Our love was ethereal, and still had a flame.
Until I lost her with words disguised as pain
Life, will. Never. Be. The. Same.

I want to smile;
life’s never been the same
I don’t like the suffering
I can’t stand the pain
The tears in my eyes.
I don’t want to cry,
It’s not like I’m used up.
But beaten and bruised
Life’s never been the same
Since I let you choose.
I just wan’t to smile
I need to feel safe
My life is mixed up;
I’m lost in this place.

Am I even a father?
Most days I couldn't tell you..
I wish things got easier, it doesn't seem like it's going to happen any time soon..
Missed my sons first steps, first word.
've missed my daughters first steps, and Her first words,
It wasn’t by choice;
But I’d go back and fix it all..
Just to have another chance.

My Sunday.. is a blast from the past, only I’m paralyzed in bed from the explosion of emotions.
Monday is a blurry mess, work isn’t.. what it used to be..
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
All I want is meaning.
Friday, is a fall tree.. missing half of its leaves,
Family, Friends...happiness.
Friday is the longest..
Like a cold chilly night with the window cracked and no blanket..
when you finally wake, if you even slept...
It’s Saturday.... ❤️

24 crazy as **** single and **** love; they try hard; not hard enough clearly. He’s racing in his own way. Fast paced lane for the beautiful, good luck chasing, he’s not perfect but for her he pretends.
These days it’s all a means to an end So Tell me you love me, set my mind at ease, let the truth flow, no struggle to breathe  tell him he’s perfect, show him your peace, love is a battle war is not free ❤️

Open your eyes now so what do you see?
9 months in the dark and it’s finally time to breathe

40 answers to each question she’s asking me,
What’s she doing later on I guess I’ll wait and see

Papier-mâché wings I climb to the heavens
touch the sun
There’s no need for safety with a pair of wings,
I’m willing to find out what this life can mean,
There’s little hope of return,
My wings slowly burning away the warmth is so close.
I open my eyes and I see your face.
It’s never been so close.

Your lucky; it may not seem like it, I’m bad at expressing myself and I push a bit too hard sometimes but the truth is; I’m as closed off as a lost book buried under years of clutter, I’m a plush toy that’s lost its kid, a beautiful rose, left wintering in the trash because she’s fed up of his nonsense. Beautiful; lost, worthless in my surroundings,
Off in the distance a sparkle so high
There’s Nothing but skies
The dark made it clear For your star
To lead me to wherever you are.
A sense of meaning in a dark place
A euphoria for my eyes to see
A sense a feeling or state of intense excitement and happiness.
A little piece of you is all I need.

All this time chasing
I can’t run any faster,
Let your hair down
and let's spin through this pasture
We'll live for the moment like
nothing else matters,
We'll sing about our day and
then laugh about it after,

throughout this last year a slow sickness has started taking over, very slow at first, then faster and faster, a sickness that cannot be detected by medical instruments or procedures, a sickness that starts in the mind.
I didn't know what was happening, the persistent feelings of sadness, anger, lack of motivation or love for myself. The constant negative cloud hanging over me, wondering how tomorrow was going to be worse than today, wondering if I would find a better reason for carrying on some other day than I did today and then feeling selfish and horrible for not acknowledging the things and reasons I do have for carrying on. Wonderful family, friends, my son and daughter,
All of these things combined should make any person find the strength to fight on and be more positive about the world, to remember that many people in this world can't say they have the things I do. Deep down I have known this to be true, but another part of me could never be fully satisfied, happy or content. There has always been a part that refuses to surrender to peace of mind and stability, a part that seeks to bring only misery, negativity, isolation, hopelessness and absolute fear..  268 days spent in silence without my kids, all because I wouldn’t subdue to her threats.. the last thing that was said,
“ I’ll snap your little ******* neck “
to my 2 year old daughter..
I reacted and that’s what brought me to the worst experiences I’ve faced in my life,
Now facing ****** abuse charges, physical abuse charges from the woman who had my heart wrapped around her finger for 6 years..
as a pacifist at heart, I’ve never been in a single fight or condoned violence,
I can’t openly socialize with friends, or family because of the constant feeling of being a burden, I’m scared to meet new people, as I didn’t know my ex before we got together.. strangers are dangerous,  I’m stuck in a very tight spot with literally everything weighing over my head including depression, and I can’t see any lights..
My lawyer is a piece of work on his own, I really can’t talk to him anymore as it would seem like he’s against me too at this point,
With 3 separate appearances and nothing discussed, a 4th postponed from early February to late may, I’m left with no visitations and no clue as to when I’ll be able to finally see my children,
I’m literally only comfortable when I’m alone.. I don’t know what to do other than cry..
April 7th... 1 year..

Once upon a time I was a person who believed depression was a state of mind, something you could break free of if you simply tried. I wish I could go back in time, smack myself in the head and say wake up.

why would you say depression is all in my head?
23 years and the monsters still under my bed..

She’s got lots to say- So everyday,
seems to fade
I love her
she’s my world
I feel right **** special.
Lovely night
we never fight
this girl is so **** special.
Hips are curved
out of this world
That ain’t even nothing special,
Hair is curled
dress is red,
She ain’t been out much lately.
Imma show
her what it’s like..
to be my lady.
One day soon-
I’m feeling like
My life might not be so hazy
She locked me down  
can’t make a sound
I bet you know the deal
Corona’s iced..Cowboy boots..
...She put that red dress on...
Friday night,
girls are out.
Boys are acting crazy,
I’m at home;
but it’s alright.
That girls right here next to me.

A diamond in the morning sky
Before now it would make me cry
A simple look could blind my eye
I feel like it's not worth the high
Because now I feel like I cant fly
Now I think and wonder why
A sparkle in the midnight sky
There really is no need to cry
Shed your tears wipe your eyes
True beauty isn't up so high
There is no beauty up in the sky because true love is you and I.