Your words are flushing hue.

Everybody has their ****** up ways,
Funny thing is that it has a way of coming back on you.

Leave me the hell alone
Play the broken record behind your own eyes and see that
I'm already dead
Just leave it be
Let this roadkill be on your hands
You swore you'd always remember wiping the carcass from the windshield
And scraping it out from under your wheels
Be still,
Your heart seeks these sick thrills,
then later forgets them
Running over them with ****** hands directing the blood drenched wheel

I don't miss you anymore,
and I won't ever again
I'm kind of tired of your presence
It's crazy how you think you make anymore sense
But,
I didn't fail or faulter
I just no longer care to alter.
One day Karma will be my partner.

If love can later turn into hate
Then the truth can later turn into lies.
*"There's a thin line between love and hate,
And a thin line between the truth and the lies."

What if each of us were a small piece of God's soul and the devil only wanted to steal us to weakening him?
I could believe that
Could you?
I don't know why I've thought of this
It just came to me at 6:01am
If we are a small part of his soul why don't we know?
Or does he just create our souls out of his power of faith and love?
The devil takes that away from him to weaken him?
Every soul he takes
Every soul he creates
Is a part of him
And the devil only tries to take it to be ruthless and weaken him
If this were the case I just hope God wins against his old son Lucifer

My mind turns down the heat
The cold hugs my heart harder
My mind is in defeat
My heart, slowly becomes a larder
My mind is in retreat
While my heart is a prisoner and every issue and obstacle a warder
My mind is stuck on repeat
But I can only garder for so long, and hold this mask of farder alone

Your priorities.

I sometimes miss what I never had
I sometimes feel what I've never been through
I sometimes think so much I feel like screaming till my lungs clasp
I sometimes don't feel things at all
I sometimes just don't care but I pretend to for others
I sometimes think I'm too extraordinary
I sometimes wish I were more normal
I sometimes can be stupid and ashamed
I sometimes can be annoying and intruding
I sometimes can be many things and nothing
I sometimes think of all the answers to the questions left unanswered
I sometimes wish I were wiser
I sometimes make mistakes because I'm ******* human
I do so much things sometimes
Wanna go out sometime?

She's afraid of thunder
She's afraid of lightning
I'm afraid of plunder
I'm afraid of fighting
Wish she had the key
Wish someone would crack this heart in half
It's of no use, not anything I want to have
I want everything and nothing beginning at never and ending at forever
I'm a queen with fresh diamond tears on a silk handkerchief
And all I do is complain like a pampered princess
Yet I'm still trapped in a tower of my own making
I built this
I created this hellish feeling
I string along a dedicate in training
Teach me a lesson
Everyone knows I need it
You do
And I do too
Hopefully I can comprehend it

Why do I look in the mirror and still not like what I see?
You should be happy
But you're not
You should love yourself
But you don't
And you know who I blame for that?
You.
I hate you. God, I hate you.
And I can't blame you, I feel the exact same way.
Why do I look in the mirror and still not like what I see?
It's because of you
I'm sorry.

Sitting on a bridge
Looking at the river water
The moonlight reflects onto my skin giving tonight a better lighting*
Falling in the river, the current pulls me under
I'm not afraid, but I find myself clutching at the water, my instincts kicking in
I get to the bottom
The necklace that slipped from me while the current pulled me down slowly flows down
I stop clutching
And I let the round silver locket fall into my hand
I see the picture of us and the word that's written *Forever

You can show me the door and tell me what to do
But I'd never have the courage to walk through.

I'm stuck in this cycle of rain called a hurricane.

Time can never mend
What was once worthless
What is still worthless
I know they say "one mans trash is another mans treasure"
Not always true
Most men want the same thing
They just want treasure, not the trash
None of them want what's broken
That's why I'm worthless
Not a treasure, yet not trash either
I guess I'm both, yet, neither at the same time
Sometimes I'm this or sometimes I'm that
Dull or shiny, hot or cold, empty or full of thoughts of everything
I'm not a treasure
I'm not a trash
I guess I'm the chest that contains either the trash or treasure
Time will tell
Time will tell but not mend
And someone will have the key
To the treasure or the trash I carry
And they will tell me whether I'm golden or a throw in
But until then
I'm locked
The small chest in my heart locked
I had the key, but someone else has it
And I've never met 'em nor seen them
I had the key when I was a baby, but my guardian angel gave mine away to my true love and she gave me my true love's key
I've kept it in my heart ever since
And he or she has mine
weather they know it or not
And hopefully I won't be afraid anymore
And hopefully they won't either

Sitting at the table drinking coffee
My small legs dangling off the chair
I coil my fingers through my hair
Watching the words of envy stare
My mother, screaming and stomping on the floor above me, arguing
Asking my Auntie “What was going on? Why was everyone yelling?”
“Grown folks business,” was always her reply, her red ruddy eyes blinking with knowledge and pain
It was never a phrase I ever got,
Never one I could understand or stand to see
It always angered me I was treated disrespectfully, without even knowing
Age, it was a number that mattered with how wise one was to be
It was a number that didn’t ever matter to me
But, it mattered to everyone around me

And the jinx of it now is, I’m sitting here, staring at the smooth polished wood that contains the skin you used to exist in
Thinking of the things you, and everyone else, tried to hide from me
And sometimes, I think of any adult that says that to a child as liars, trying to delay the inevitable manner of things
Delays makes things harder and distrusting, Auntie

Wouldn’t ice make the truth slippery?

Life after life
Kingdom after Kingdom
Century after Century
Again and again
The hate
It happens, again and again
You cannot tell me my love is a sin when it feels so right
When it feels so just
You cannot tell me what I feel inside is wrong when you have never been inside my heart
You cannot tell me the mate of my soul
You have never touched it, nor seen it to tell me anything so bold
Your will can bend my body to do anything, but your will can never bend my soul
Like the tree who never bowed to any living soul

I hate you.
I'm not hurt or bitter-at best I'm just confused-, but I just hate you.
I wish I had not met you.
But what I wish I had done most of all was telling you "I don't."
You taught me you are the weak *** female I will never want
You taught me you are the kind of person bullshitin on Jesus's cross
Love has no condition
But relationships do
*I can be kind while being cruel

I could make the most amazing thing in the world
And not know it
Not let anyone see it cause I think it's terrible
I could be very beautiful
But I hate my face as well as my weight and body
I could be anything I wanted
But I think I'll fail at everything so I never try
I could be a lot of things
But I am one thing
A writer and a poet
And if you don't mind me by asking,
What could you be?

Should never be the biggest place of judgement.

I'm so afraid of pain
I find it an ironic thing
I hold onto all this pain,
Hurt, and suffer ring
The diamond is huge (and heavy) on that thing
Except it doesn't do all that flashing
I want to quit, and lay down indefinitely
I'm just so afraid of pain and permanent damage
**Inside of me

My walls are caving in
crumbling beneath my touch and echoing my every whispered thought
I'm shaking
I'm breaking slowly inside
My foundation is cracking almost beyond repair
And it's dark inside
I can't see what's breaking
what's falling or what's shaking and crumbling
I can't see what I'm trying to fix
It's like trying to find your hands in darkness
or falling while your still asleep and unaware
I'm a fallen angel I feel
I feel I'm alone but I'm not
Sometimes I feel like my walls should be empty and falling
I feel like the world could stand to lose one more person
But my walls won't fall, won't cave or crumble enough to end me
My foundation won't crack deep enough for me to be lost completely
Sometimes I feel like it's fixing itself only to fall apart again
And then it feels worse
It feels like your slowly getting crushed by yourself
And you just want it to end
and it feels like you're falling inside a dried up well that has no bottom to fall on
Just an endless fall into darkness and nothing

A thousand words
A thousand times
Words we know
That are lies
“I'm fine."

Love eventually leaves
*Hearts eventually bleed...

How can I look at myself in the mirror and still not like what I see?
Am I just never meant to love me?
Ghastedly
I am ashamed
Of everything I am a part of
A monster I am
But cannot destroy
Can't destroy the pain of many
Can't destroy the pain I feel
Can't detox the poison of man
Can't block everything with steel
How can I look at myself in the mirror and still not like what I see?
Why do I let the monster inside get to me?

And just think
Does your "logic", make more sense than mine?
Put it inside another shoe
Does it fit?
Guess not.

You know that little girl
the one that just stares at you and you can just feel it in your skin
The one you see starring at you with unblinking eyes
You wonder if it's an omen or a warning
But you just shrug it off as her being crazy
And then you feel guilty for thinking it and look away
You can still feel it her watching you
you feel yourself sweating, and her breathing down your neck
Then you go to the bathroom
looking in the mirror at yourself you see terror in your eyes
And you're thinking "she's just a little girl" and "this stuff only happens in the movies"
you calm yourself and leave the bathroom
you walk down the hall towards the front door and that little girl isn't there anymore
you sigh with relief and walk to your car
You see the girl fifteen feet from your car
she stands there and whispers something to you, you don't know what it is but it sounds like Latin
You hurry to your car and lock the door
But that doesn't protect you from the girl's stare or her next whispered words "we're coming for you,for what you did,for what you did to us."
You start your engine and leave
Breathing heavily you pull onto the highway
Hours later you get home it's dark and gloomy and the storm is heavy
You find that the power's out so you light some candles and run a bath
You sit back in the hot water as you listen to the storm
you close your eyes and think about the dog you had as a girl
You open your eyes and see the little girl that was at the funeral home leaning over you
you try to scream but she has you by the throat and pushes your head down into the water
And while your struggling against her she keeps on repeating and whispering "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. They're making me do this."
And you realize what it's for

It is so fashionable to let out your crazy in any form.

I need to figure out a way to clear my mind of this world.

Let it age like fine wine
Cause, baby, for this sipping, I merely do not have the time
So bottle it up
Save it for someone who cares
Save the need to insult somebody
When being mad is a crime you deny
But I'm all fine,
Not wondering my head off about if.
I'm calm
Knowing
That denial has something hidden.

Is everything talking to me?
I don't know
It seems to be
It seems to be telling out my feelings
The words I hold onto, really.-.
But I know this feeling
However it's so painful it feels so new every time
My mind is just letting this time do a drive by
I swear time is killing me more than healing me
My dreams show me killing me!
My soul has a cold sore
And my heart ain't on chill, B
I'm enraged and deranged
But I'm wondering...
Is the universe talking to me
Or am I just pulling all this **** towards me?

It's amazing how I see things and others don't
Their eyes are ******* in wrong

And I wonder,
If my eyes are ******* in right.

*They just might

Who is this voice in my head?
A demon
My demon,

*Those things are so hard to get rid of

They teach you that life has many possibilities

*But they never teach you whether or not they're all believable

They only miss you when they're miserable or have nothing to do.

For someone whose had their heart broken,
You sure do love breaking other's a little bit too much.

It doesn't even matter anymore
If I exist or not
Or if I'm at death's door
I've knocked on it eleven times and hopefully twelve times a charm
What's the ******* harm?
I'll be gone
Just another life that did not matter
Just another soul buried in the ground
The one you said had a face that was round
The one you said had a heart that was proud
And a spirit so stunning and loud
I was never one meant to live so long
My fate was a song
A song sung from the me inside
I've accepted I'm not good enough
I've accepted the way the world is, but I can't seem to take it cause it drives me mad
And that
That is what shortens my fate
My fate to die
I'll wonder what death's arms feel like and how much Hell scorches in my veins for internity

I had a dream I wrote a poem
Man was it dope
I don't remember what I wrote
All I know it was all I could hope.

"When sweet fruit rot, they have a fowl and bitter taste
But the core still holds the seed of sweetness
All you gotta do is grow nurture the seed."

You say things that break me a little more each time
If this keeps going you'll be part of what kills me
I never earned this life ya know
But I did deserve this pain in tow
I don't know what to think
Sometimes when you tell me things I feel calm and yet surprised
Our relationship...it's...complicated
You love me, but I can't love you back
I don't know why, cause you'd be perfect
You'd be so much better at this thing
I don't even know what to call it anymore
I can't even love anybody
I can't love anything
Maybe I thought I loved somebody at some point, but I actually didn't love anything
I could talk myself into it, convince myself that I do love you
I can do it for years and maybe, finally it would feel real
But nothing else ever felt real to be besides force
If it doesn't involve me then I don't care, but if it hurts me, I'm forced to feel it
I don't want to feel it
I've already felt enough, I already feel enough now
And I'm all out of fight
You're pretty much the only thing left My

Suus 'got mammam exitibus
Unde et amor alterius innititur
*Quare id faciam, quod est nimis

Whoever knew breaking someone else's heart hurt so bad?
I didn't
I wish I had
I would have prepared myself
And yet
I still couldn't cry, can't cry now either
Not a single tear drop shed
What does that say about me?
Is there something wrong with me?
I don't know
I never knew
I never knew how it felt to break someone else's heart
*But I never thought that breaking someone's heart would hurt me too

Every time I stand in front of a mirror
I see everything on myself I hate

My face, my body, my feet, my hands, my weight

I don't even want, love, or accept myself because of my own self hatred
I can't fathom what's wrong with me
Everything is, nothing is
I can't even make my own mind up right
I can't even understand the messed up **** in this subconscious of mine
I just can't figure me out
I'm a mystery to myself, unsolved, untold, unexpectedly twisted in this void heart of mine
I'm something of a mist, you can feel it, you can see it, but you can't figure out why it's always here, you can't figure out how lost it makes you, you can't find yourself in this low cloud of anguish
The only thing in this mist is me, me trying to find the real me
*I'm all on the outside looking in
I'm still lost even within

Pull and pull
Till I rip
Separate me
Sew me back
But I will never be the same
How much can you break me before everything has changed?
This was far out of my range
But you were willing to stretch the restrains
Rearrange my brain
Drive my being insane
I'mma say it all plain
Breaking is an ordinary thang

I'm not worse
But you're no better.

I would sooner die than cry again
Don't you understand I don't want that mortally wounding pain?
I hate crying
It's when I feel ugliest
I rue being vulnerable
It's a wonderful but tedious thing
It's got a fragility that shouldn't be broken, yet everyone has done this to the most undeserving victims of love and infatuation
I can never tell you how I'm truly feeling, I can only give you the undercover story
Telling without telling, whispering secrets without whispering
It's a wonder you still stay around
I am your caged earth
Your heart is in it
You can run away at any time
Why do you stay, My? Why?
It'll take forever to save me
Life is just a crazy delusion
Even after death, it has no conclusion

Everything is easier said than done.
The struggle is the struggle.
No wrong is lesser than another,
no struggle better than another.
We all have our own trials.