I pride myself on my strength.
My ability to always get up.
To walk away when I'm not appreciated.
I don't cry.
It takes more then mean words,
To hurt my feelings.

And yet.
When it comes to you.
The only person ever know to hurt me.
I can't just walk away.
I can't just get up.
I stand there, waiting.

Behind a door you only open,
When you need me.
Otherwise it's slammed shut.
Locked tight.
No matter how much I need you.
But I still stand there.
Waiting for the hour or two,
You'll give me once a month.

I pride myself on my resilience.
What the hell is it about you!
That I can't just stand up
Walk away.
And close the door on you?!

Outside
At 3 am
The stars twinkle
And I catch myself
Wondering
Which one is you.

I wish I could say
Life is easier with you here.
But,
Depression doesn't work that way.
No amount of love i have,
Will change how I
See and feel the world.
But when the darkness clears,
And I can see and feel the world
With the clarity of normalicy.
You make that,
The most magical time
It could possibly be.
And for me,
That is enough to stave,
The darkness.
To get me through
Right back to you.

Living with depression and anxiety
Is like being sad and tired.
Its wanting to curl up in a ball
And sleep the day away.
But to anxious to do so
Because there is so much
That needs to be done.
Its crying in the bathroom,
And walking out with
Your head high and a
Smile that lights the room.

It's exhaustion.
Utter despair hidden behind
School projects and
Mega phone laughter.

It's being utterly alone,
Surrounded by loved ones.
Feeling completely invisible.
But unwilling to ask to be seen.
It is drowning in a room full of people,
With a smile on your face,
And no one notices when you stop
Breathing.

Do you know what it's like to drown
With your head above water?
Like no matter how hard the struggle.
Something always has your feet.
Pulling,      
                     dragging,
You down into the depths.
And,
Before you know it
You've
        Been
      Swept
           So far
                  Down
                        You can't
                              See
                                   The
                              Light
                 And,
Hope has no pull
       To save you.
But,
      You never give up.
Just in case,
                 The end...
                          Is worth the struggle!

Don't miss the
Beauty of the sunsets
By trying to
Outrun the dark.

There are days when I feel as though
I may actually be okay.
It’ll be a good day where I am not
weighed down by anything in my brain.
I can function on a level that almost
resembles normal.

But those days don’t last.
And they are not more then half my days.
Most days I spend in this state of mundane,
existing.

But on my dark days.
On the days when the sky has no light.
And my mind is as turbulent as the sea in a tsunami.
Those days tend to take up my months.
And I spend most days,
Trying not to drown.

But those good days.
God do those good days taste wonderful.
After months of tasting ash and debris in my mouth.
Those good days taste like sunshine.

If I looked at a picture of you to long
The chasm in my chest opens.
And all the sadness
And emptiness inside that
I've hidden behind walls of
"I'm fines" and smiles
Flows out of me.
Coating me in tar like devastation.
Wrapping around my throat,
Until tears well up in my eyes,
And my throat feels raw from the effort,
Of holding in tears determined to be shed.
And I'm forced to look away.
Away from the man I've loved my whole life.
Away from the person who raised me.
My most treasured gift.
And the tar crushes my outsides
Until I cant breath on the inside.
Until my lungs feel as if
They've been crushed by
100 years worth of heartache.
And I'm reminded of the hole,
Filled with liquid black sadness
That has taken up my insides since you've gone.
Covered only be a membrane as thick
And strong as ash.
I try not to look at your pictures to long.
But,
I miss your face,
And the sound of your voice.
And yet,
My home is full of pictures of you,
of Us.
I spend most of my days,
With my eyes to the ground.
Just waiting,
For the tar.

The act of grieving.
It’s unlike anything I’ve
Ever had to go through.
Survived through 17 years of
Mental torture at the hands of
A mother who should have loved me;
But alcoholism had her by the throat
          ****.
That never received any justice.
Physical abuse and mental abuse
For years by a man who should have
Cherished me but instead hated me.
12 hours of labor with no medication.
No relief of the spine crushing pain.
And yet the simple act of you dying.
             Of you leaving me behind,
                           In this world without you.
Has crushed and devastated me.
     Leaving me
                          annihilated and listless.
And without

My best friend, my cheerleader, my fan, my sounding board, my dad, my confidant, my partner in crime, my moral backbone, my courage, my strength, my forever compass, my mother figure, my only family.

I don’t know how to exist here.

The act of grieving,
Has left me tired and restless.
And I’m unsure if I’ll finish the act
Or the act will finish me.
   Exit stage…..
                                                        ­        Right.

There are days I miss you
So much I feel like I can't breath.
Days where I wonder how I'll survive.
With this pain in my chest.  
Other days I can almost get by,
Without feeling angry or sad that you're gone.
Where each breath,
Feels like gravel in my lungs.
And I wonder if there will ever be a day,
Where it's a little easier to breath
A little easier to survive,
The loss of you.
And then it gets me thinking,
Is it worse to miss you so much
That the pain drives me to my knees.
Or would it be worse,
To be able to get through the day,
Being okay.
A day when the world is normal;
Without you?

Who I was
"Before".
I'll never be her again.
I'll never run my fingers
Across her framed walls.
Never again will
The troubles of today,
Be tomorrows problem.
I'll never get to smell
The scent of lilac from
The nose of the girl I used to be.
I'll never hear the words,
"Love ya" from the ears of the girl,
That's used to be me.

The girl I was before
I don't know that girl anymore.

The shattering.
It's that moment
That one moment
in life where everything
Good
Bad
Devastating
Amazing
That ever happened
Shatters
And what's left behind is dust.
A land void of anything
Where you must rebuild or fade away.
The shattering
It's where you decide
You decide to keep fighting
To keep moving forward
Or to let go
To give up
To fade.
The shattering
Is where you decide.

So decide.

My mind is empty of
Words.
And I am not sure if it is
Because I have nothing to say.
Or if I simply have so much to say
My thoughts are congealed like
Coagulated blood at a razor wound.
Irreversible.

To many times
I’ve left work with ***** soaked shoes,
And a beaten morale.
Having spent 12 hours fighting for patients
Who only wanted to fight with me.
Taking 12 hours of mental degradation,
From families and patients about things
Far out of my control.
Apologizing for all the worlds wrong doings,
and Taking the heat for things the patient perceives everyone has done wrong.
Ensuring my patient that my college degree,
Is more reliable than the google search their niece did.
But still relaying the information to the physician so my patient feels heard.
Too often,
I’ve left work wondering why I even bother.
Having forgotten in those 12 long hours
Why I wanted to be nurse In the first place.
Why anyone would.
To infrequent,
Are the “Thank yous” or the “I appreciate its”
Even the “I know you’re doing your best” no longer exist.
Like once inside the walls of the hospital
Human decency has been forgotten,
Or is perceived to be unnecessary.
Patients have forgotten healthcare is
People caring for people.
We are not robots
Everything takes time and we can only move as fast
As the parts in front of us.
When you swear at us,
Kick, spit, hit, yell, an degrade us
We feel those things.
It’s so sad to say we are used to those things.
But,
They drain us just a little more each time.
Leaving us to wonder,
“Why am I doing this to myself?”

The worst part about
Fighting a war on the inside.
There is no place to throw
The carnage when it's over.
It just sits on the inside,
To rot.

I'm vividly aware
Of how influenced by
Your absense I gave become.
Every cough is a sign of death.
Ever upset stomach is
Tragedy.
Every headache
A reminder of your/my frailty.
Every previously unassuming illness
Has now become a warning
For every possible tragedy awaiting.
My life now a series of
Panic attacks brought about by
Possibility over probability.
What lose comes next?
Or will I be the lose?

My strength is
Never needing anyone.
My weakness is the same
I've spent so long,
Avoiding help
Support
Love.

I don't know
How to let anyone in now.
A steal door welded closed.
And I'm trapped on the inside.
Screaming to get out.

As you left me there drowning.
Turned your back as I was,
Gasping for air.

I was learning,
How to breath underwater.
Without you.

When you call a **** poem victim-y.
Victim-y is the person who makes
Excuses for why they treat people like
An *******.
"I had a hard life, so I'm an ***."
Using excuses for bad behavior.

A woman writing about
How she felt about her body
After she is ***** is not
Victim-y.
It is fact.
Not a woman alive who's been *****
Will ever say she's not affected.
That she hasn't gone home
After.
Looked in the mirror
At the body she's had her whole life.
And felt utter shame
Less than who she was before.
Like the good pieces of her
Were ripped away with his touch.
Victim-y is excuse.
Talking about your loss,
As a women.
That is utter strength,
And those who can't see that.
Maybe you're the one playing
Victim.

I dreamt of you
The other night
Of the last day
We had.
I remember feeling
Anxious all day.
Feeling as though
My skin was crawling.
My chest so tight
I could not breathe.
Hyperventalating.
Panicked with no cause.
I was utterly
Terrified.
And I chalked it up
To just being me.
But
Later that night
At 0305 they called me
"You may want to come."
I got there at 0325
"I'm so sorry."
"He's gone isn't he?"
That look of sorrow
She gave me,
I knew.
I couldn't feel you.
At 0319 may 27th 2018
You were gone.
And all of the panic
The fear
It made sense
I felt you leaving me.

Christmas cheer this year
Is wrapped in tinsel and tears.
Another year has passed
Another year gone.
Each one as hard as the last.
I miss you now,
Just as much as then.
I put on a brave face,
I step into the crowd and,
I'm so out of place.
No family here,
No anchor to my past.
So every new year's as hard as the last.
I hope that you know
We love you so.
And every year we leave you a chair,
In Hope's that each year you'll be there.

What have I done?
I remember the first time.
The first time i used pain,
To hey through the day.

What have i done?
11 years
Of ****** stains on the insides,
Of every pair of pants.

7 years without it.
Managing my life without pain.
And in one moment
In one decision.

I'm back where I started
Leaning on my pain
Thriving in my pain.
Cleaning blood stains out of pants.
And sheets.

Building upon my already
Abundant scars
Adding to the layers
Of broken
Adding to my broken

And I can feel my control slip.
And I remember why it was so hard to quit.
The first time.
Because this,
This is my addiction.
A persistent punishment
That I hate,,
And love all within moments of each other.

What have I done?

It is like running a 2 year long marathon
In all types of weather.
To see the finish line coming up
And when you get there
For a moment there isn't anyone there.
The streets are bare.
It is dead silent.
And all the anticipation
Just vanishes.
No one is there to even see you finish.
But then the fog clears
And you realize there are people here.
They were just hidden behind
The fog.
The fog I can now say was grief.
Hitting the finish line
Without him here.
Was like reaching the end
And for a moment
I had to take the time to sit
With no one there
The silence his space that's now empty
The loneliness
The penance for his absence.
But,
Slowly that grief lifts
And I am reminded of everyone else,
Who is here today.

The children died first.
One after the other.
A nation so full of
Laughter and joy turned
To rubble and ash.
Where there once was
Happiness and the sound
Of memories being made.
There now lies an
Abyss of empty space.
That echos off the
Darkness that surrounds us.

I found love not when
I searched high and low for it.
I didn't find it when I begged or pleaded.
Love didn't come when I forced it,
Tried to squeeze it into a box it wasn't meant for.
Love found me when I wasn't looking.
When love was the last thing on my mind.
Amongst the rubble of my grief,
Love wrapped its arms around me.
Surrounding me in a peace,
I had been searching for,
For years.
I didn't find love behind doors,
I pried off the hinges.
I didn't aquire it from hearts,
I begged to love me.
Love didn't follow me around,
Hoping that I'd turn the right corner
And just find it.
Love found me with my head in my hands,
On my knees begging for peace.
It found me raw,
Just asking for a second to breath.
Love found me,
When I needed it,
Not when I wanted it,
Only when I was ready for it.
Unrequited love is not real.
Those times,
When you search for love in the wrong places.
From the wrong people.
Behind doors that don't want to open,
But you pry off the hinges.
The love in those places, is
That thing we call unrequited love.
When really,
That love was really never meant for you.

Loss.
The first time you meet her,
You'll never forget her.
The way she washes over you.
Sometimes a slow creep.
Other times,
A fast wave.
The sting of her smack,
Across you face.
The fear of her reappearance.
The destruction in her wake.
Every hole left behind.
Like black voids.
Every time she comes,
The pain never lessens.
Every time,
Leaving another empty space.
A black stain,
On the very essence of who you are.
Before long,
You're left with an entire self,
Full of black voids,
And empty holes.

This is my goodbye to you.
I've loved you for four years.
I've missed you for one.
I've taken back roads,
And detours to avoid your road.
Slipped and broken bones,
Trying to miss your exit.
Each without success.
Ending up in your driveway,
Falling in love even more.
Knowing **** well you don't love me.
I have loved you since 2014.
Been through hell and back with you.
Only man i trusted to meet my mom,
Last man to ever meet my dad.
I loved you.
Wholeheartedly.
Without bound or limit.
And in the end im spitting out teeth.
From the smack in the face when you left.
Hitting me out of nowhere,
Just gone.
Like i didn't matter.
Over text.
Like and after thought,
Oh by the way...
No.
Ive back pedal and rewritten this dozens of times.
Trying to have the right words.
So you understand.
I'm not you.
Leaving you isn't something that's
Easy for me to do.
You mattered to me.
You were never an after thought.
But my neck still hurts from your leaving.
And 2 months later a new girlfriend
Who must have been there all along.
Like a shadow.
I have loved you for 6 birthdays,
6 christmas's, 6 thanksgivings,
and 5 new years.
But that ends here.
My heart's still pleading with me,
To wait a little longer.
To hang on,
He'll come back.
But you left so fast,
Almost like you were never here.
You watched me watch my dad die.
Told me you'd be here.
To hold me up,
You had my back.
1 month later you had her on her back.
And i became...
An after thought.
Left in the broken bleeding wreckage,
Of my life.
Alone with whiplash.
From the backlash of her,
And you together.
I have loved you for 4 years.
I'll probably love you a lifetime more.
But this is my goodbye to you.
Because after 4 years of loving you.
All i got was....
A text message like an after thought.
Oh by the way,
And whiplash from your cruelty.

I remember you.
We used to be so close.
Carefree.
I can't remember what happened,
Between you and me.
I whisper to the mirror.
I remember you.
But i dont know you anymore.
Who were you before?
Before tragedy?
Who would you have been,
Had that never happened?
I remember you.
I whisper to the mirror.
Before all the doubt.
Who would you have been?
I'm sorry,
You never got to find out.

I think what hurt the most
Wasn't the fall.
Or the crash landing.
It was getting up
To witness the wreckage I'd created
On my way down.

You watch her walk away.
You don't ask her to stay.
The nights go on.
It seems so long.
Thoughts of her.
Of what you two were.
She should be here with you.
But,
The time you had you blew.
The girl you knew,
Well....
She hates you.