No one wants to be too hard too love.
It seems we have been running this endless circle of
Impressing and Disappointment.
We try till our own self reflection in the mirror
is no longer the sweet nothings they promised us
but how we truly see ourselves being as.
It's a cold reminder
that is way beyond trying to "fit in"
and more about finding who we really are
who we want to be
through the eyes of another human being.
Yes we can be dependent sometimes
but its only cause they told us
no one would ever love us
unless we love ourselves first.
And I'll be ****  to think
that version has to consist of
closing myself off from the rest of the world.
Cause honestly?
How could you love yourself
if the mere thought of being left alone
scares the hell out of you.

Last night
I was intrigued with the idea that you cared about me.
I've been debating if it was really worth all those times
I spent with my finger over your name
in my contacts to call.
Each time I had to convince myself that I should never rely on you
considering that we became indifferent since I confessed my confusion for leading you on, in the most innocent way.
I didn't think you would just cut off all the emotional bonds we had.
Cause even though we were just friends in my mind
I was the saving grace in yours
and I hope to god that one day you could save me
from myself too.
But I resisted to open up the deepest parts of me.
That's not what you do when someone else is spilling their heart,
to overpower their issues with your own pathetic problems that couldn't compete.
So I kept my mouth shut,
and listen intensively.
I always wanted to be the first person you would come
running to when something went wrong.
Not because I envy your other friends
but because I thought if anyone could understand you
It would be me.
This was nothing short of a therapist session.
You trusted me to your core.
Or at least that's what you made me believe.
Yet when our friendship strained
and the yelling became more about
what our expectations for one another couldn't match up with,
I knew more than ever
that it was all based on a lie.
I haven't seen you for a while
and I don't know what it is that I miss
but I do know that I can't find one thing I fully have faith in
from all the words that you swore to have spoken to only me
without thinking about it twice.
So there I was, an emotional wreck.
With the lump of a pill to hard to swallow
and trembling fingers as I scroll over your name
as I pressed, actually pressed the call button.
I could barely hear the rings over my own shatter breathing.
It ringed not once, not twice, but four ******* times
when I decided that I shouldn't be calling you.
Pressing the end button as makeup smear tears fell onto the screen.
You question why I called you.
Was it with concern? pity? Or was it because you felt obligated to ask
what was wrong
as a way of repaying back for all those times I have asked you.
I didn't want to open up and act like I needed you, but in that moment
I did and all I could hear from your voice inside my head was
criticism and annoyance.
And It hit me hard in the pit of my stomach,
that I was just another girl to you with the same cliché story
of being in the middle of a nervous breakdown
that can only been given temporary relief from cigarette kisses
all in this poor attempt to seek your unwilling attention.
When you replies became silent
for whatever reason it might of been
It killed a part of my inside.
Cause I never would of left you alone
If you were in my place.
Friends we are,
but I guess I only can get that kind of satisfaction
If we were something more.
No longer will I believe you anymore.
Next time when you tell me
that I can trust you with anything,
I'll simply ignore the far fetch attempts of concern
and trade them in for a more permanent solution.
It won't leave me any better off, but at least it will always be there, whenever I truly need it.

When I walked away
from all the ones that cause me to hurt
I thought I was doing myself a favor

Not once did I thought I would come running back
with new burdens that prove not only my dependency
but also my fears that lurk with in the depths of myself

It lead me down a different path of pain
sleep was my only relief from the criticism that lives in my head
cause time went faster when you turn off the lights at three in the afternoon
to calm the temporary gut wrenching ache of emptiness

So I lay here with tears streaming down my face
and the numbness that no one will know
cause there is no one I can express my feelings to

There is nothing more draining then being your own supporter
when you are at the same time
the reason for your destruction

And I cant quite understand
how a pair of best friends
or a pair of lovers
could connect in a way as if two soul mates have lost each other
thriving, craving, just full blown out
mad for one another

I never had that

It's a terrible art indeed
one that eats away your worth
until you are nothing without those people
that once defined everything you were

I know its tempting
but you have to let these grudges go
the isolation will **** you otherwise

Don't be afraid to bend the pages in your book
there is a reason why you left those permanent creases
to go back when you have gave in

They'll forgive you and even more importantly
you will thank yourself

I reach out for your hand but my grip isn't that strong
you wouldn't dare let go of me
and I am here asking you please
stop holding on

Let me fall so I can become stronger on my own
If being alone is what it'll will take
then let the isolation come in thousands
and swallow me alive

I'll make depression look like a fantasy
a never ending storm of chaos
cause nothing could be more destructive than
my own mixture of time and troubled thoughts

And yes you'll try to help me, but I am so far from help
I rather suffer in silence then see the same pain I know in your eyes
so I am asking you for your own sake
to let my hand go, I can do this on my own
... at least I think