I hope you know where I am at today.
I also hope you know where I was last year.
I hope you know what I was back then.
Dad, I was just an innocent little child.
All I wanted was some food.
Maybe a cookie from time to time.
Or you to acknowledge me.
You to love mom.
For you not to try to **** her every night.
For you to not cheat on her.
For my brother to have been born, but you know what you did to him.
To have friends.
Not to move every ******* month.
Cousin JJ, I was just a child maybe 3 years old.
Not old enough to know what you did to me.
You told me that everybody did it.
So I went along with it.
You undressed me.
Then you ***** me.
For years every time I went there.
I was scared to go there.
But my mom said I was hurting my grandma's feelings so they made me spend the night.
They forced me to go.
So year after year you ***** me.
Until I was 7.
Uncle, you did the same thing.
But you lived with my dad.
Down in Mississippi.
So you weren't that often.
But for days my dad disappeared.
I was left alone with you.
I told no one.
Last year my baby cousins spoke up.
You did the same thing to them.
My dad refused to believe them.
That is when I spoke up too.
You went to court.
But I spoke up too late.
You aren't getting punished for ruining our innocence.
My ex-boyfriends, all I wanted was love.
I was young.
I was so ******* dumb.
You hit me.
Over and over again.
So I left.
But you came back and begged me to stay and you said you loved me.
You never hit me again.
But you yelled.
A lot.
You screamed at me for nothing.
All I did was hug my best friend.
But that was not allowed.
Sometimes I preferred the hitting, at least there was evidence it happened.
One day I yelled back.
You hated that.
You punched me so hard I blacked out.
When I woke up, you were gone.
I was scared.
So ******* scared.
You said you loved me, and I was an idiot and believed you.
I never yelled again.
Just let myself be pushed around.
One day you left me.
I was devastated.
I started to cut.
Blood all over my body.
But I met this wonderful guy.
And the cycle started again.

You asked me what is wrong.
Like you even care.
But for a second I almost believed that you still cared.
So I said that everything was wrong.
But then I started to think.
How could anything be wrong if nothing was ever right?
The day that we decided to split I cried even though I was the one saying the words.
But you said that we would still be friends and I would always be yours.
I thought that splitting was a good idea.
But soon after I saw you with her.
The new me.
The one who has replaced me.
The one that you now choose over me.
The one that you hug.
The one that makes you laugh.
The one you give all your attention to.
So I sit alone at lunch.
Starring at you two.
The way that you look at her.
Like you used to look at me.
Like she is the world.
I cry silently.
I kick myself.
If only I would have stayed quiet that night.
It was only a little fight.
But you did not like that I fought back.
So you threaten to break up with me.
So I went home and sat on my bed with a blade in my hand.
Knowing that I was never good enough.
So I broke up with you before you could get to me.
That was the worst decision of my life so far.
Because even though you hurt me, I still love you.
I am with him now, because my mom approves.
But I always keep looking at you.
So you asked me what was wrong.
How could anything be wrong if nothing was ever right?

Do you know what the worst feeling is?
Feeling lonely in a crowded room.
You are surrounded by so many people,
Some of them you might recognize and some you have never met before.
So you are not alone.
But why do you feel so lonely?
At least if you are alone, you have a real reason to feel lonely.
But you are in a crowded room with other people.
You shouldn't feel alone.
But you do.
And you hate it.
You are just there.
No one even notices you.
And sometimes you are okay with that.
But deep down you kinda hope that someone strikes up a conversation.
But they don't.
So you are lonely but not alone.