My brain,
a mess, when u visually see;
it looks like a scrambled mess,
All the wires confused,
No messages seem to be getting through.
No sense is made, going backwards and forwards and everywhere inbetween.

I feel like my brain is full of wool,
tangled ball, a ball of wool.
Needs pulling through
Unwinding,
Writing,
Helps with this.

Enables a process.

Unwinds the tangled heaped mess.

As I write, the wool is being pulled out my head.
A finger on either side, carefully guiding it out,
Pulling the scramble from my brain, making it tidy again,
All the perfect colours are coming through; purple, pink orange and blue, these are the colours of the wool.

The colours of my heart come too, come oozing out in the wool.
It is being pulled so fast, I see pink, red, more red too.
It feels like I am bleeding for you.

Changes to Yellow bright in the sky, remembering all the beautiful times;
I hit a knot, then it turns black,
like being trapped in a dark scary spot.
The black continues, then its green, full of envy and jealousy, jealous of me, my friends and job. So sad, it really was.

I keep pulling at the wool;
the colours are coming, more sense is too;
unwinding the wool from between my ears.

Poetry such a beautiful art,
Feeling calmer now,
a sense of serene,
The feeling coming over me,
Thanks to my love of thee.

Beautiful
It hurts, cuts like a knife
**** like its worse...

I dance, feel free,
Feel beautiful
Look vile
Who cares

No emotional care
Emotions gone
Damaged
Closed

Wish for luck
Kindness
Patience
Ongoing
A beautiful person
You know you are

I want to love, hurts to much...the pain.

Stabs me in my veins, lightheaded...gone.
Gone again.

Who cares...

Couldn't give a ****
Pure *****
Sorry

Forever sorry

I feel passion,
Its all over me
Burning
Like fire

The injustice
People falling
The devils rising
The heat so hot
People panicking

Crash
Screaming
Crying
Injustice

Wounded
Let down
Lied to
Souls dying

Celebrate the life you live
Live it your way
Enjoy who you are
Be free
Mind body
And of course your
Soul

My minds eye is making a film,
It begins with you
Making a debut

Your velvet like skin
It makes me grin
I am in a spin

I see you *******,
I embrace every curve
Your arms so strong
I take a detour
Imagining
The strength
As you bend me over
In front of you
Pulling me closer
And its sends
Shivers through me
Prickling every part

Butterflies fluttering
So high
You make me so shy

The film continues; our eyes
They collide
My eyes glide,
Gliding down
Slowly
Over
Every part
My heart
Stop, starts

They meet again
Our eyes
The passion in you is sea blue
Its see through
Excite me from within
You radiate
Pure passion
Its unexplainable
So sweet

My mind,
Takes hold,
cant breath
I watch you bathe
Watching all of you
Taking in
Your sparkling skin

Sparkles as bright as your eyes
Shining
even in the darkest night.

You give me your hand
Lead me in
I slide so high
With you
Our fireworks;
They begin

Acceptance is important
Accepting things will never change
Accepting the jealousy he feels for mum
Accepting this will never going away
Accepting he transfers the disappointment that he feels about himself onto to me

Accepting he listens to the witch and when He does
Sees me in a different way
Hears me in a different way
Misunderstands

Accepting he is unable to
Standstill
Alone

Accepting he will never stand up for his Children
He has already lost one to the witch

Accepting he needs to belong
To her
So he must agree
With her

Accepting you allow her to be so vile
To you
To every one

Accepting if the pain is explained
You fire
Like a spit fire
Rage, anger
Disappointment
Like darts to the heart

Accepting you allow her
To be your master

I knew you cheated
Found out today
Exactly how and in what way
You disgust me

At her baby's funeral too
Unbelievable
With him
What a sin
Disgusting
Makes me want to spew
Pure unadultared lies
Come out of you

But I knew

I knew in my body and my being
You knew I knew too
Unbelievable

You made it not be true
Made me
Mad
So sad
I knew, I felt it so bad

Your eyes they told the story

In shock at a loss
Confused
Bemused
Shouldnt be cause I knew
Saw through your eyes and into
Your lies

Why didn't I listen to my intuition

I realised recently
You were dark
But that dark
Please

Its true,
I am better off
Rid of you

Poison that you rattle round
Without a sound
But it does come out
Oozing out of every pore
You're be feeling it for sure

Bitter sweet
The day is today
It's the grand finale

We have finally parted
Emotionally
**** heartless
Extreme starckness
But no more darkness

The truth will set you free
You should try it maybe

Driving me wild
words running though
Day dreaming
Dreams
flying through my thighs

I want to devour,
brown beautiful eyes
eye to eye
Searching
feeling
the soul behind your eye;
Finding beauty

I want you to hold me,
Kiss me,
devour every inch
eyes
touch
mouth...
caressing slowly

Whisper to me,
describe
wonderful words
nibble on my ear
feel what I feel;
Come with me my dear

Souls combined
Rhythm is devine

I taste you
Flickering like a bird
over a berry
Moaning
Fireworks within
You ride me
I feel you, smooth
beautiful taste...

**** you
*******
******* Immense

I want to
Consume you
Swallow you.
Grabbing all of you.
Push me
to euphoria
out of control
Arched
I let you take me
Higher
into your soul

You give to me
let me know
Noise
Animalistic
Hot
Dripping
*******
Exilerating
Two into one
how you turn me on....

Under your spell,
mesmorised
hypnotised
The deep low monotone
with a cute little giggle,
fascinating mind
free flowing
intriguing,
Aye

I want to understand
swim freely through your mind
And find

New thoughts
Inspiring my mind
opens up
the endless red vibes
Pouring through  
My mind into my thighs

Pure desire
on fire.

You affect me like a vibrant flower
Opening to the sun
Seeing the light and feeling the heat
Touching without touching
Feeling without feeling
Magical
So much beauty is within

Beats playing
Gyrating
Sowing seeds
Oil dripping
Down,
Body's entwined
slowly gliding
Wet silky beautiful.
Rhythm increasing, slowly decreasing
Teasing
Sweet feeling...

The wonderful woman
Who would bash her head against the wall in pain,
Scream, agonising
Over why

Why her,
Why did she deserve the pain
The pain of her husband the love of her life

Doing it again...

This time he did it better and had a mate to play with her mind.

She was strong
Really now,
I know she disclosed
Such small things

Her love for me is immense

She wanted me to have what she had
Prayed for it
Prayed for us both

My sister chose a different path
Mum didn't agree
She wanted us to be loved
Equally

She knew it was possible and hoped
With every ounce

The pain we were in
Broke her
How did she find this man
marry him  
be persuaded to have babies to him

For him to leave and abuse

Not just her; but she watched over as he destroyed her innocent babies.

We watched her fall apart
rebuild herself
Back together

All the while getting abuse
Watching us hope and pray with her
that
Eventually
He would realise

Wonderful woman you are to me
My beautiful mum

Why do you feel unloveable...you are a beautiful soul...so kind and giving to all that you meet. They don't appreciate what they have in you; the forgiveness you have shown to them all....its unreal. Protect yourself from harm now, please.

Its not the way you were born to be feeling unlovable....I understand they have broken you in two, lied to you and made you feel guilt for it all.

Its so wrong little lady because they are the ones who created you and should have protected u from pain, not created a stain, feelings of guilt, like ur not good enough.... You are...your perfectly perfect as you are.

They were wrong to put u in the middle, all you were trying to do was stop the pain, create love but you got accused of creating a mess, they misunderstood called you two faced...you weren't you loved them both and wanted them to be kind to each other and about each other...

That is definitely not too much to ask

Just because they didn't listen and thought you had bad intentions, you know the truth....it was done innocently because you wanted to be surrounded with love...like you were used to...

You didn't like the hate.

But its fine to have a distain of hatred and negativity.... You were not born this way...you were born to love not deal with misplaced hate that they felt about themselves.

Not born to take on the guilt in all that you do... Believe little one that you deserve to be loved unconditionally not disrespected, lied to, shouted at, ridiculed, bullied by the grown up witch, picked up and dropped often dependant on your reaction to the words of the witch.

Your dad was wrong in what he has done...he should never have made you second best, but its his loss as he will of lost so much of your kindness although he has basked in your forgiveness.

Your a beautiful soul, you know. Its OK not to agree, feel free, be who you want to be.

You are not unlovable little one, cause I love you, so very deeply, your amazingly strong.

The stars twinkle in the beautiful sky tonight
Four stand out
To my eyes
Show me beautiful sights

The first star is
The brightest in the sky
In the deep and dark night
Looks perfectly shaped
Perfect
Makes me feel that inside
Some time we miss
When the sky does not align with my eye

This second is
The most gorgeous star in the sky
Looks can fly
And they do through my eyes
Once my eyes go inside
The lack of depth
It appears
Dark at the heart
Deceives does this beautiful shooting star

This star
Number three
Illuminates me
It does not always appear
Flickers with light
In the blackened sky
When it does shine
Its so bright
It hurts my insides
I bask in the light
Makes me ache
I miss this star some times

The last star is unusually small in size
Sparkles from afar
Lights up my eye
Slowly building trust
Knowing its always there

What I need to find is my sunshine
The sun that shines consistently through the sky
Finds its way through the darkest clouds
Creating spotlight where ever she shines
Enhancing colours
Takes my breath away
Impregnates Feelings
Displaying different experiences
Helps me to create
Broadens my insides
Helps me fight
To see the light
And beauty in all that surrounds

How sweet she sounds

I will wait until your found
My beautiful sunshine

Heavily I move towards the door
Am a strong woman
Struck with indecision
Its written all over me

Shows my vulnerability

I go out  and sit on the step
You sit behind
Wrap me up warm with your legs and arms holding mine, wrapped around

******* are resting all over your arms
Never felt so comfortable and safe.

I hear you breath
The warmth goes deep into my ear.
Tingling
Through every space in my viens

You whisper sweet nothings
Make me want to stay

We hold and look at the sky
You kiss me gently, over and over.
You stop and pull me closer, tell me to look at the moon

I do
Its full

You point out the brightest star in the sky
Apparently reminds thee of me

Heard it before
But not felt
You before
Not ever

Its like a fish, swimming for the first time.

Free
Safe

We sit my head rests
Back on your shoulder
You grap my hair pull
And caress my neck with your breath

We control

Lent back
Head on your shoulders arms under
You wonder
I ponder

We discuss the loss
Under the sky
The feeling of breaking
And avoiding taking

The brightest shining eye

The feelings of loss has to go
Its about defining you know

Discussions are stunning

Whizzing past with fast cars
Country side in my eyes
The smells hit inside

We listen to bieber,
We dance
And sing
Then little one
A believer...

She is embraced

Look at the sky
Behind the grey
I say

The sunset so beautiful
Orange and grey
She says

I ask
What is your favourite part

She replies
Sunset

Inquisitively I reply
Why

She sits for a while
Considers
Sighs
And
Replies

Its pretty, orange, shining
Purple and pink some times
She stops, considers her response

Then sighs and replies, with arms and a beautiful smile

Its just too beautiful to describe.

Took the words right out of my mouth
The animated child.

So I never thought I would be writing this...I have recently had some amazing conversations with some inspirational people; who have all helped me to see where I have gone wrong recently:and trust me I have gone wrong a lot.....

Depression......what a word...I dont want that word near me;but its what I have been. Its an illness in the most complex ***** of the body that affects every aspect of you....sleep, food, ability to communicate effectively, or not communicate at all feeling fear of some thing and not quite sure what it is you may be fearing...There are feelings of anger, It's so strange, confusing, lonely, enlightening, interesting, challenging, reminiscent, sad, ashaming, happy although most of all thoughtful and thankful.

Its an illness that one in three of us suffer from. I actually believe that every one does, although people have different coping mechanisms. This is what I am learning about myself and others at the moment. Anyway...back to that word DEPRESSION....I have just written that in capitals for some reason, its like the ******* word - lol....For me it should be called realisation...my depression has been about change and managing this effectively and some times not so effectively....I have experienced change in who I am...peoples perception of me, and in every realtionship in my life there has been some adjusting....it been an interesting journey.

My angels...my friends and family....they are like diamonds in the sky...They have been there through this hard journey and I know it has not been easy for any of us....thank you for still loving me and continuing to understand me when I know at times you have wondered where the strong, open, bubbly fun JC has gone. And I know I have propably cause you a lot of frustration on the way, I know I have as I have caused myself some...lol.

I understand that and appriciate each and every one of you...thank you for your advice, smiles, for making me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry...I never knew humans could cry so many tears. You have picked me up when I was struggling and each in your individual ways and have carried me forwards...some times I have not recognise the impact of your words or actions for months...but suddenly some thing clicks...

I have been to some dark places recently and you have supported me and loved me...so for that my diamonds I will be eternally grateful.....

Some diamonds have been light and powerful and some have been heavy and wonderful.

A little note with so much to note
A small amount of time,
Felt like a lifetime
Could have been an eternity
Grown, and by no means alone

Before
A year of starkless loss,
Dark and crippled
Crippled by the loss
Loss of confidence
Loss of consciousness
Anonymous to all tht surround

I start,
Feel part of the heart
You guys,
Wonderful people
From the start
Built me up
Made me believe
And see

Support work
Like art work
Fireworks and beyond

Beyond a job,
its in your blood
Beautiful souls
Full of smiles
Ears to listen
Hands to help
Arms to embrace
All to contain
To take the pain away

Unique
Beautiful team

I admire all of you so very much
Inspired me
Bought me back
into touch

A company that employs a special kind
So loving
Giving
Knowledgeable in signs
Nothing is too much
Your the beautiful kind

The university of life
We all travel through
I feel blessed to have shared a seminar
or two
with you.

My mind has been astray
Thinking about pure
Distorted
Faith

Feeling betrayed
The pain
Suffocates
I cry in physical pain

In a dark black array
In darkness
I lay
I believe in nothing
Feel numb

So ******* dumb
Unable to speak
Just wanna freak

Can't feel me
I am out of body
Although my heart
It palpitates
All I can hear
Feel deep inside

I suffer

I know
It may not appear
But that's the sphere

The pain has toughed me
Made sparkling armour
Surround

Nothing touches now
Out of reach
Peaked

Felt the stain
It still remains

It will disappear
With time
Although constantly reminds my mind
Of mankind

I will tell you a story
In all its glory
Explaining the
****** *****,
Creating much more than
The eye can see

Its a story about a vibrant flower
So beautiful it needs to be to attract the buzzing honey bees

The story goes some thing like this

So you can see the flowers multiply through the years
Make two
Four and many more

The bee
flys along and sees so many Beautiful flowers
Longing to devour
But which one
So many colours
Shapes
Sizes
Flowers cascading
Parading
So shameless

Stands still

Wow
Striking
Its a big bright pink one
Circular in shape
Bold
Beautiful
Its the one
Open, with so many soft small petals
Glistening with the rain drops
Shining in the sun
Sparkling with beauty from within
Makes the bee meander to thee

The bee needs to reproduce
Suduced

Stops and fills
Spreads the seeds
Allowed to please
Pollunates
Impregnates
Recreates

What you dont see is the story
Combined with the
True glory
Of the extra ordinary *****
The beauty
Of the buzzing bee
Combined
With the  gold assigned
Inside

So free
Flying
Trying
Frantically to find the
The hive

Taking nectar
Making honey, wax, all kind of f
Fascinating lines
Made from hexagon
They divide into the lines

They are full with precious delights

The story continues
The more you learn
The more you yearn
To see a honey bee

Together the bee and the ****** *****
make harmony
The vibrant flower allowed to duplicate
More beauty for all to see
For all to feel

The special honey bee procreate and makes
Wax
creating ambiance
Such a clever bee
A savont; such a worker
Magical tyrant

Buzzing madly yearning to create
the sweetest honey
A honey bee can make

Its like you to me
You're the combination
Make migrations in me
Spreading beauty from within
To others to proceed
And begin

I feel it with you;
Vibrant flower
Honey bee
Coming together
Creating so much sweet honey in me

It's a wonderful story to me
You see
The story of the flower and the honey bee

We see our own truths
Two, extremely different views
Thee from me
Allowing us to broaden our minds
Finding gold
The purest kind

You
You helped me to find
Sparkling treasure
Behind my broken burdened heart

You counger magic within
Flowing up and out
Paying it forward

You have enabled me to see
What I never have before
In such an explicit way
Wilder days for me
and you
Maybe
Lovely lady

Follow the beauty of your spirit
For what I see in you is truely magnificant
I see enchanting magical rhythm
Moving slowly like a perfect creature

She thinks I am a preacher
But I am just trying to reach her
To help her to see the distinct features
Of the perfect creature

Your like a beautiful white horse
Standing proud
Stunning, shining white
From your inner soul
Dark brown, intense eyes
Twinkling in the light

The bright
Blue skys
Behind
Its a mesmerising
Sight

Let me show you what I see
Like you have shown me
Found the gold
From my captivating Queen

Despose of me please
Sweet Queen
I am indestructable with thee
Open the gates and see

Forth we go and into the realm
We create
The realm, so beautiful you see
It frightens me

I wish for one more second
I wish for one more minute
I wish for one more hour
I wish for one more night

How I long to hold you
Look at all of you
Devour you intensely
So immensely
I look to you; into you
You come
Its so much fun looking into you

Fizzing inside
Fasinating mind
Inspiring find

The colours you paint
Pure art you are

The flowers
You decorate
Trickling lightly over every part
I am consumed by your art
Sweetheart

Going through
Into the lagoons
With you
I am in your trance
My insides
They dance

They think I am to be belittled,
They think I am dark,
But they do not understand my path..
I do not always
Its been dark, a lonely path

I have survived
I am alive

Please do not look down upon me
Feel ease
Because now I am free
From the looks from thee

The sky lovely clear blue,
A blue tray to put things on,
A spelling book to write in on a Monday morning,
Mrs Ganble takes the register, every one is here
You sharpen a pencil,
Write on lines to make your writing straight,
Leonard's on the move, buying a pizza,
Car moving on the road with some one in it,
My eye looking at you in a nice way.

I have got a cat,
I love cakes,
I have got a cage at home with a gerbil in it,
I can come to your house,
I am careful on my bike,
We have a Christopher in our class,
You are not allowed in the conservation area,
My mum has a car and my dad has a car,
I have a carton of drink.

A black bird flying
A rabbit hopping
I drink coke, so do you
You like milk, so do I
I put ******* in the black bin
You write on white paper
Witches wear bats
You put money in a handbag

A baby is annoying and they have dimples and how they eat

My hands are smooth if I dont use soap.
I hold a pencil with my hands and write with my hands

My mummy works hard because she has to tick lots of work

Grandma has wrinkley hands and she has to make dinner

Grandad makes the tea and helps to make the dinner

You tore me apart
In doing so
You have built a moat
For me between most

It is full of beautiful water
Sparkling
Bluey green white
A Silvery sight

Detecting and deflecting
Desire and fire

Unable to handle
or man handle
The feelings
Peeling
Healing
Feelings real

Allowing others to see
Vunerable sights
Showing internal fights
Proudly

Refusing
Fights and
Sights

Learning about myself
Learning to respect myself
Learning to love myself
Learning to be myself

Its not easy
Wording
Its uneasy

Identify
Its easy
Always pleasing

Oh the peace
Its such a release

From the day we met
Its true
What a roller coaster
We have travelled through
The fear, a mere
Part at the
Start

But by the end, especially
When we
Hit
That bend
It sent me flying
Thought I was dying

'Whens it going to end'

The peaks we reached
Threw my heart
Into many parts
The speed, fast
Loud noises whirling
As we are twirling
Screaming in harmony

It was immense
So ******* tense

I am yearning
The sweet twirling
But
Just
Without it hurting.

I want
I need
I feel you in my sleep
Let me be
What you need

Please
Plead
Let me tease

I want to feel you
Look at you
Hard
Let me swallow,
All of you
Make you bleed
And plead

Feel extraordinary
In ecstacy

I feel inside you
Warm, soft
I want to explore
With my hands, mouth
All that I am
And more

You feel me, see me too
Into my mind
Moving into my heart
It starts

I rise
To heavens above
Arched, moaning
Groaning
Pull on your hair
Squeeze your hand,
I feel breakable
Break me
Take me
I beg for more
Scream in pure devine
Utopia

You move me through
To the other side
Sitting on you
I feel ill, inside
Sunrise
So high
I cant hide

We look
We feel
So intensely
And find a beautiful sky
Shooting stars
Out of my mind
Watch them meeting in the sky
Sparkling, like I do when I look at you
I feel you
You me
Meeting together as one
Enlighting frightening
Let me be the one

Beautiful soul
Beautiful sky
Beautiful feeling
Beautiful sight, I am sleeping

**** me up
Make me want to explode
No no
Not no more
Cause I take control

Realisation
Its you
Not me

Lie
Cheat
Make circles
Endless
Round and round we go
Making me dizzy
Feel sick
Deception
Such a *****

Oh why
Oh why
Do you puncture me again?
Its a need
A want
A craving in ur being

Its you

So selfish
So cruel

Expectations
Cease to exsist
No longer in bliss
You lie
So vile
Its you

Mystify my mind
How?
How do you believe
Actually believe
Time and time again
The endless
Brown runny stuff coming
Out your mouth
Seeping down
To the ground

Its you, you do

Its a need
for you
so strong
To me
To every one

I feel for you
Not love
Not lust

Soley
Only
Pity
waves
More
More
More

Away from me you
Go
I push
You fight
Manipulate
Its you,
This time
I win

I found the strength

Happy am I
In control
Free
From negativity
Free
from your soul
Your darkness has left me

Bright
Rainbows
Beautiful colours
You have left with
Me
So strong you have made
Me
In fleeing from thee

Bright skies,
Shining
Feel beauty inside

White feathers all around me
Seen pairs of magpies
Many times

It makes me smile
Knowing
Its nature
It is feeling me
Protected by angels
And feeling pure joy

So light I feel,
Breathing in
The bright white light that surrounds me
Pushing the negative
Out
In and out
I go
Slow
Feeling and being

I feel the light cocooning me,
Protecting me
Lighting me
Allowing me
To be me.

So calm,
An inner kind of calm
Anxiety has decreased
Ceased

Beautiful feelings
Beautiful day
Beautiful world
It is today.

When I met you
I was blown away;
into the breeze
Flew freely to the sea

The beauty
Amazing me

But then the storm came flying over
Dark
Loud
Flashes
I see the stars through the haze

Support
What for
Ok
You run away and hide
Selfish thoughts
So very sore

My world
works differently.

Talking, searching and working.
Pouring inner beauty
from your soul
Round and around it will go

Pure graditute
Beautiful soul
You will recieve
Be able to see
The light

See clearly now

You make me laugh...

You made me cry

Broke my heart
every time we part

You made a choice
It was dark;
The darkest kind of dark

A beautiful person
With no where 2 go;
I know

The abuse
Profuse
Remorse
Of course
apologies
are mocking
me

I forgive
You take the ****
Forgiveness
A sin
Belongs in the ******* the bin

Thank you
for being you
for breaking me in two
for making me cry
at the thought of you
for all the pain
for making me strong
for all that you have ever done