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 Mar 2018 Bellvadear
Mims
All I Know
 Mar 2018 Bellvadear
Mims
Dear friend,


is how it begins


Without a goodbye


Is how it ends
I've been writing a lot lately. A lot of it very different from how I normally write. A lot of it messy. I write on my phone, in my notes, my journal or any paper that's handy. sometimes even on my body, I do it constantly. Words run through my head all the time. A hook, or a rhythm. Sometimes other people's words gets stuck there too. And it just replays over and over. I've been very busy lately, I'm loving what my life is turning out to be. I'm very happy, surprsingly. But I'm also very tired. That does not go away. Not just physically, but also mentally. I like being warm, I love it actually. And I worry in these long months, I do not want to turn cold. I pray that my fingertips will nurture the fireplace in your soul. But I can only hope. Somedays are darker than others, and some are not dark at all. I call the dark days nothing. They are not worthy of a name, not worthy of recognition, not worthy of blame. I am scared of being dragged back, after months of hard work. I'm worried I will get all messed up again. I have to forgive myself when I'm weak, it doesn't always happen but I'm working on it. I'm always working on it. And I am gentle with myself when I fail, because I tend to fail a lot. I'm failing right now, in a sense. But it's okay, I'll delete this soon anyways, and tomorrow is only a few hours away.
 Feb 2018 Bellvadear
phil roberts
As I lie here
With eyes closed softly
I think deeply of you
And I inhale stars
The scent of twinkling light
So fresh and alive
Sparkling gentle inside me
And I want to write this feeling
So tentatively
As it must be
Like writing words on bubbles
Delicate and precious
Begging them not to disappear
Like dreams in the morning

                                        By Phil Roberts
This may well be my last poem here.
ok word friend
just want to leave
you
this
note

we will call them an freak
just because we are
stupid
with
words

freak meanig

uhm

uhm

uhm

someone that believes in channeling
we we will have to find
the
right
word


ok now then
oh my mood
ok
where were we

word friends
that's funny
wanna be
my
word friend

who are you

do you believe in Jesus

you know what we believe
tell your word friend stupid


oh ... ok

ok friend
we are not an very nice person
we are grown
when we read we


uhm

for better lack of words
we are not sure what happens

our only conditions for having
anyone as an word friend
is you believe


why would we want to word with someone that don't believe
see by the words you write
we know you

ok word friend


not saying we know what you live
or how old you are

but


when we read you
yea know that spirit

see we have been writing
for
an
while

the last year or so
more so on sites

we have been banned and locked out
because
of
words we make people feel

we just know words
not really the big ones
if you tell me what it means
we are more than likely to know why you wrote it

none of which i claim comes from me

we can explain what i write
if given the chance
readers usually get me wrong


ok word friend


ha ha
word friend



now if we read this later
after we learn the rights words
we would probably
call the writer
of
this
piece



an freak




remember
the only channels
are
on
televisions
?
word friend
we mean
you
...
..
.
 Feb 2018 Bellvadear
Star BG
Dreams why must you disappear so fast?
Running back into cravens of mind, unreachable.
I hunt for you with intent
trying to capture the grand adventure.
The trip that holds hidden meanings
but you play the elusive game
making recall almost impossible.

Glimpses come through in split second,
to be put together like puzzle
with many a missing piece.
Once eyes open, all is lost
to the present moment.
Daylight quickly kidnaps
thoughts re-routing focus to new day.

Alas perhaps tonight
I will dream again
to have another try
in recalling them
before dreams play cat and mouse
and I am the hungry mouse.
Inspired by phil roberts   Thanks
we hope my writing
about painting
your handrail
doesn't
scare
you
we
will
work for words


you just let me paint
and tell you my side
of
the
story
we will
even buy
the
paint


if the wind blows just right
we will be fully paid
we are assured
by what
we
think
would be
the scent
of
your hair

we don't hate
we hope
my
writing
?













...
..
.
that first line was
really
hard
to
...
..
.
 Feb 2018 Bellvadear
Star BG
One poet collaborates with another,
as words become like *****.
They fight in mind trying to anchor on page.
They move swimming gracefully
tweaked by both writers
whose gender...doesn't matter.

End product, a poem they call their baby.
An infant ditty for all to come and look at
with the possible reply of their love.
Inspired by chat with David
 Feb 2018 Bellvadear
Rebel Heart
I saw something today
That reminded me of you
So I picked up my phone
Put in your number
And excitedly waited to talk to you
But with every ring you didn't pick up
My heart dropped lower out of my chest
.
.
"I'm not near my phone right now.. that or I'm purposely ignoring you Shanon just leave a message at the beep.. or don't whatever"
.
Beep
.
.

And it all hit me all over again
The feeling of choking
On my own tears
Drowning out the rest of the world
Because it had been so long
Since I last heard your voice
Yet it seemed it was only yesterday
We were playing street hockey
And making fun of eachother
And talking on the phone all night long
Just to hang out all day after
...
We would talk about our past
And what our future may hold
We talked about our demons
And secrets we never told
...
I remember being so angry
The day you left
After all we've been through
No sorry
No goodbye
Not even a single note
Explaining why
You decided I wasn't enough reason
For you to not climb into that bathtub
And press that razor blade onto your skin
...
How dare the sky rumble
When they took your lifeless body just to throw it in the ground
How dare the others cry
When you didn't make a single sound
How dare the birds still sing
When the world was falling apart
How dare the moon still come up
When nothing in the universe seemed to make sense
How dare they believe poems had to rhyme
How dare they still talk about the good old days
How dare they believe for one second they knew you at all
And most of all
How dare you--

How dare you leave me so broken
How dare you leave me so alone
How dare you call me your best friend
Just to leave me on my own?

...
The darkness lingering around my past
Found a deeper grip around my soul that day
As I watched pieces of my heart
Leave with you
.
.
.
Now I find myself sitting here awkwardly
Finally being able to string these useless letters
Into coherent words
To ask you if you're still listening up in the clouds
How dare you not pick up anymore
When I call you on the phone?



~Who else am I supposed to talk to when late at night my demons won't be put to sleep?
Who else am I supposed to talk to when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and weep?
(Pieces of a very old, 22-page-long, extremely agonizing memoir that brought me to tears because how dare you, with all this pain you carry in your heart, not realize how much you're hurting me before you're even gone? ~BM)

(Front Page 2/18/2018)
 Feb 2018 Bellvadear
Mr E
Your favorite toy from childhood
The sport you loved to play
That book that kept you fascinated
The friends you made in school
That bad grade you got on your test
Your first kiss you ever had
The fights you had with your parents
That moment your life was perfect
The moments it was not
That first time you were away from home
The one secret you'll never tell a soul
That person you love to be around
The dog you saw on the street
That sense of accomplishment
The loneliness you sometimes feel
That time you laughed so hard your stomach hurt
Your first hangover
The moment you thought your life was in shambles
That good show you recommend to everyone
The books that shaped your worldview
That character you want to be
The moment you realize
That all things come to an end
The world looks much less scary
That it did before reading this
The timeline you live in
That you inhabit
The things you do
That will all fade
Gently
Into nothingness
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