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539 · Nov 2017
[ Weeping Willow. ]
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Weeping Willow.
Why must you cry?
For with every season, changing,
a part of you must die.
One cannot keep blowing around the same leaves,
as you did when you were a younger bark.
Remember when you were the only tree here,
before they built this park?
Life cycles and stages to evolve,
we all must adapt.
For something to grow beautifully,
we must accept that.
We are built to be strong,
and light up this place.
No need to rush things,
swiftly move with grace.
Feel the wild, warm, breeze, on the summer days,
the calm, resting, quite, from winters embrace.
The birds who once nested,
high in your trees,
also move on to raise their own families.
The flowers that die, bloom again next year,
for a brighter shade next time,
fields of rainbows will appear.
All the animals and bugs,
go into a deep stage of sleep,
A time of reflection and balance to keep.
For when they all wake,
a new age they have reached,
a second chance to live,
and learn, and to teach.
Someday when you are just a stump here,
all you have nurtured will flourish, my dear,
all that you created, cared for and loved,
will thrive on long after, your time here is done.
So love while your here,
and have faith for when your gone,
that you did your best,
to help this place carry on!
Bellvadear Dec 2017
I gasp for air at the very thought of him, I try to speak but only start stutterin.
I try to keep calm and balanced, then I mumble some random nonsense.
Baffling my mind like I'm dreaming, can't even stand straight, you got me leaning.
But then you catch me as I'm falling,and even if I fell, to you I'd be crawling.
A magic carpet ride, with a genie. An abstract painting with such a deep meaning.
You are the spark to my wand, the smallest droplet of ink in my pond.
The entire meaning of what's in the words fond. as smooth as James Bond!
You captivate me with inspiration, vendication, insecurities, you eliminate and deface them.
As light as a snowflakes your laughter. As bold as the mountains, there's the capture.
Beauty, tranquility, and peace.To the top of the Ice cap's peak.
My heart lies fragile, there in a glass jar.As it remains here enjoying the serenity
and the infinite amount of shooting stars.
184 · Nov 2017
[ Sitting, thinking, ]
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Sitting, thinking,
quick sands sinking,
eyes shut, blinking,
cotton mouth, drinking,
faucets, dripping,
playlists, skipping,
sanity, gripping,
thoughts rapidly shifting,
jealous eyes,
telling lies,
heartache cries,
numbing pain inside,
only complicate,
need to medicate,
over sedatate?
Hiding under stone rocks,
thrown at glass houses,
armor is wet cardboard,
made out of cereal boxes.
violent, day dreams
silent, night screams,
eyes wide shut,
burning the hut,
blood shot veins,
hurting, window pains,
of dollhouses, jumping out,
broken glass,
bleeding fast,
can't catch me,
went from
to 0
a winners place to last.
97 · Nov 2017
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Dreams are fading fast
Like the stars in my third eye
Whatever I was seeing
Was a mirage, either that,
or Ive gone blind
Such a lonely treacherous journey
where noone understands
Cares, or knows, or givez two *****
At the instability of mental state I'm in
Stakes are high
self esteem has drained slow
I use to dream about my lyrics
Being played out on the radio
I'm fixing to blow
a fucken gasket
Burn hotter then thermite
Won't need to bother with a casket
Searching for some type of relief
They say God can help
But thats just not my belief
Thoughts keep me up
Then keep me from sleep
"Drowning myself again,
In these thoughts to deep!"
Returning to the past
Thought I'd never come back
Looking for my future
Have me a post traumatic
Counter react?
An action,
Keep me re_packin?
I don't know I'm so lost,
Confusing my,
A matter of facts in
Really the fact is
No idea what I'm doing
All this venom makes me sick
But I can't quit spewin!
89 · Nov 2017
[ multi tasking ]
Bellvadear Nov 2017
multi tasking
on a one track mind
can't fast forward
or rewind
can't push stop
can't push play
stuck on stupid
f* this day
87 · Nov 2017
[ Color schemes ]
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Color schemes
brightest dreams
rainbow thoughts
confetti spots
sprinkled flakes
glitters shake
steady drops
ink pen tops
glow in the dark
pastel painted pictures
by beautiful Miss and Mr.'s
76 · Nov 2017
Bellvadear Nov 2017
I'm laying awake always dreaming of you
about your perfections
Fixating on your every detail, your my exceptional infatuaton
You take away all my pain deep down, I'd give you my very last breath
My moon, my stars, my everything, give it all up, as long as I have you left

I feel you'll never notice me and my admiration
But everything in my starry eyes draws you in my constellation
The gleam in my eyes, staring towards you
shining there so bright
Pulled me out of the darkest depths, I need you close this night

My destination, you took me by surprise, invading my space
Lit up my skyline, almost as if the Heavens just opened the gates
I'll sing my heart out for you, I hope that you can hear me
because I'm dreaming of you, in a lovely dream
Where this song is never ending
Bellvadear Nov 2017
just an average typical morning within this same old town
avoiding all the neighbors that nosily creep these grounds
while all these other folks keep busy bodying gossiping and all
who has whiter teeth, bigger *****, or the cutest guy at the mall
i stopped at the library to dodge all these illiterate snots
the only place that's quite enough for me to organize my thoughts
i walked in just to be stopped, breathless, dead in my tracks
a book, not made of paper or even hard back
binding was some type of stitched authenticism
bound with a beautiful articulate collage of pattern to it

I thought
same old stories, same old narrative
can someone tell me where all the good authors went
I just need an outline, no critique or edit
but everything I read, I feel I have already read it

I stood there for a second, which felt like a lifetime
must have been reading stars, because it left my mind blind
if only just once I could hold that masteredpiece written classic
I can't lie it was perfect man, I just had to have it
I gasped for a moment, dead in my body
frozen and stunned hoping nobody saw me
it crossed my mind for a split, then, I thought
nah ****
if I get caught I'd be a goner, but I just couldn't wait any longer

I thought
same old stories, same old narrative
can someone tell me where all the good authors went
I just need an outline, no critique or edit
but everything I read, I feel I have already read it

I darted for that case in a flash and I shattered that glass
busted it open, like I was late for literature class
static shocked a little as the book touched my hand
it was in that moment i knew i was the #1 fan
then it wasn't long I realized it was written for me
initials imprinted so there was no questioning

I thought
same old stories, same old narrative
can someone tell me where all the good authors went
I just need an outline, no critique or edit
but everything I read, I feel I have already read it

I fell deep into the title it really 'hit a line'
bold, italics, with a dedication underlined
I wasn't sure why I needed or wanted to own it
but I would have searched forever if I would have known it
searching every library for a perfect story
all the titles and endings just really seem to bore me
this one was special I just wanted to trace over the print
read. every small detail. no need for suspense
71 · Nov 2017
My Demons
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Demons surround me surging darkness through my space,
cornered me inside mirrored four walls, no exit to escape,
no doors for fleeing, no windows, I'm confined,
for the darkness incarcerates me,
eradicates my mind,
I feel the cold emptiness that festers within,
it captivates and consume me,
I need a remission of my sins,
If I would have know the burden I'd carry,
making deals with the demons,
and all the devils I've married,
signing contracts exchanging, more like donating my soul,
they extort, deceive, while I forfeit control,
confusion compounds my light and dark into grey,
demons whisper me messages I don't want to convey,
I cover my ears hoping it muffles the voices,
remembering it's my fault, should have made better choices,
So here I am stuck with no God to beg my pardon,
I wish now I could just once visit Eden's Garden,
now dancing like a puppet, this boxed stage makes me claustrophobic,
so many mirrors make my true reflection out of focus,
trapped here for eternity, they got me strung on strings,
like I'm here for their amusement as my body swings,
back and forth the demons sway me,
grimace smile as I play,
will someone come and save me,
I've forgotten how to pray?
68 · Nov 2017
Spoken Words
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Here we are discriminating forms of art and poetry.
Denying each other acceptance
and credibility.
Judging how we talk, or rhyme,
or how dope our flows should be.
Coming in and criticizing.
Basically falling just short of micromanaging.

We all strive for the same types of things.
Wasting time and energies.
Spitting venom still.
How we representing 'unity'?
When each others pride we ****?
Do you even feel?

I mean feel........the lyrics?
What we may be saying?
Pay attention to the vibes,
and different tracks that we're laying?
Dissing opponents,
never shaking hands.
Who ever is bigger and badder,
is the winning man?
Dam that is a mentality I never could fathom.
Want or need some props,
here ya go you can have em'.

You see, for me.
I'd rather keep the peace.
Give you a hug or a fist bump,
I'll love you like we're family
For you, and you, and all of them.
Someone else who just might need a friend.
Someone to sync with.
Someone to help them glow.
Maybe connect everyone,
with a common knowledge or flow!
Hell I don't know!
But I'll dream.
Create a beautiful lucid scene.
Where every one is welcome
up on my shoulders to lean.
So pace yourself while labeling,
to your perceptional liking.
But show some respect.
You never know,
who they might be.

So I don't apologize for,
not being 'hard' ya'll.
Because life's hard enough,
without pointing out flaws
64 · Nov 2017
What was this Entity?
Bellvadear Nov 2017
While passing through a dim lit hallway
all alone in this building
I caught a glance, my peripheral vision caught a chance
technology was captivating in advancement
I felt passive aggressive initially
nervous perhaps
subsiding this initial shock
I pass the aggressiveness
moving slowly, to closer watch this entity
however did not make eye contact
moving with a swift pace
not knowing what the next move will be,
entranced by this being
I was enhanced with emotion
it still doesn't notice me
I was bewitched, by the free floating being
as I waited there patiently
for this entity, to
life back into me
So stunning it was, caught me off guard
I almost, stumbled, my mind was glitching
I could not comprehend how perfect it was
as if the stars and moon placed it here
in a precise moment, only for me to perceive
then before I knew it, dissipated
          I blinked.
63 · Nov 2017
SeroOxyDopephin {fiend}
Bellvadear Nov 2017
if alchemy is legend and chemistry isn't a mystery,
could we try altering balances, ourselves finding consistency.
feeling this magnetic pulling, holding translucent bonds,
a mortar and a pestle and holding magic glowing wands.
strength is built, bonding bands of unity,
a gastly mass amount of dopamine is 'feeling' me.
calming things from combustion, carefully mixing ratios placed.
no fluctuating temperatures, causing me to dissipate or become free based.
i know you might not understand, after all your not a scientist,
but I'm not Merlin either,
but if you concoct chemicals just right, you won't have to worry about catching any fever.
switching, sparking, clicking, starting.
containment could be dangerous, depending how currents charging.
applying the right pressure with oxygen which could as easily be released.
combining any of these wrong instructions could cause temperatures to increase.
degrees of love vary but I'll get back to that later,
my point is be careful the 'per'fumes your wearing,
the toxins you use, or biohazardous baggage your carrying.
they effect other chemicals around you, they also have shifts,
some just might smoke you out,
float you about or drown you with, out, any spit left, like a drought.
I burst through my pores and soaked skin with 3 main endorphines,
sweat it out of myself just to breathe them back in,
til I become antimorphic,
neurotransmitters receiving the clear coated messages.
saying wear gloves if your gonna experiment in here with this.
I'm here to share chemicals for you all to drink,
not a spell though, that's when the demons speak.
Just a refreshment, an uplifting cold glass of lovely.
So drink all you want it's just a little bubbly.
63 · Nov 2017
Subliminal Percepton
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Was it some kind of a subliminal perception?
Confusing my interpretations of a misconception.
Was it you that pulled an affectionate deception?
Forcing me into a fake deflection.
A maneuver of the circumstance selections.

A ruse, a scheme, a hoodwinked hoax.
Walking around in your personality cloaks.
Hidden persuasions,
caused my mental imagery to blurry.
"Why you dodging me now?
Sit down, there's no hurry".
I just need a second of your time,
Help me figure this out.
I'm a little confused,
how this situations turned out.
Let's analyze the beginning,
the initiation.
Yet again,
I do get tired of being patient.

But it won't be much longer,
at this rate your health's going.
I just can't save you anymore,
your killing yourself,
How does a person become so unstable?
Cycles like this?
Believing well structured fables.

My thoughts catch on fire,
like my circuits need rewired.
Ashes still fill the void,
where you burned me out,
with your crack lighter.
I just wanted to tell you,
thanks for this paradox.
Keep my memories in the attic,
in a duct taped shoe box.

Some days I'll admit,
I miss the past you.
The one before you turned into,
this cold bitter shrew.
Now your growing weary,
hairs turning gray.
Wasting sand in the hourglass.
As grandfather clocks tick away.
With every hit that you take.
Chemicals taking it's toll.
Lost your Mind. Body. And soul.

I do apologize,
from you I had to retreat.
I had to be the bad guy,
and do what's best for me.
I never meant to leave you behind.
But really the truth is.
I keep trying to hide.
Now that the truth's made an appearance.
I caught a glimpse, saw your face,
til then, never
was my vision the clearest.
I'd never noticed,
all the lines and cracks,
patched up in between,
weak attempts,
to keep your reflection unseen.
Let's ask your keeper,
and see what they tell?
The masquerades over,
pull off that, veil.

"Mirror, Mirror, on the wall,
who was the best masked?
At the ball?"
Never your mind,
with my twisted fairy tales.
My mind got ran over,
skipping tracks on Disney's,
story Beast and the Bell?
61 · Nov 2017
love battle, battle love
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Wanted a written on something a bit more romantic
but I'm so ambiguious, you see right and left handed
so perceive this how you want but I'm sure very few
will underline the message, within this point of view

I saw you standing over by that 'bar' so handsome you did look
but I can't judge you on appearance the message is in the 'astrobook'
This could be a 'Notebook' story or another Great Gatsby
maybe it's in my head, would he see or notice, perhaps he
would think it was a mischeivious preconcived idea
having no clues his self about how laws of attraction would feel
Others had seen him as Lelantos, he was actually Eros
but to me, he was omnipotent in his design, though
I may not be Asteria but I'll catch you when you fall behind
I am no Aphrodite but I could paint you cosmos for eternal time
love you more, deeper, despite what any other 'supernovastars' say
cast them away, burn them out, if they wage war your way,
when they are finished using you and all your lights they burned
I'll wrap and repair what's broken and safely you'll return
to the place in the moonlight above the average planets
a solid rock moon they can't see made of aphanite

[like their understanding of you as small as a nanite\

what am I doing here, he's just to 'out of this worldly'
Is he God or an undefined 'unEarthling'
He must be from another place and moment
Beacause my hearts and stars, just got shot by a bowman
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Illuminating your dimming lights, may I shed some enlightenment?
Refusing to let you just fade away, May I borrow your brush to paint?
Excuse me while I brighten this.
You shine so many colors, brilliant prisms of aura's.
Got me pulling you out the dark, with,
a flashlight, with a backpack and map like this Dora.
Exploring. Paint over spilling like my heart out pouring.
Walking on your rainbows are anything but boring.
Can't wait to envision these once technicolor's restored and,
I've never seen a masterpiece as Mastered in pieces like yours.

Just follow the flow, no signs or arrows,
Up over the horizon, over the rainbows,
hold you, treasure, at the ***,
I don't seek to steal your gold,
just thought I'd paint you a less painful thought.

So 'cheer up coloring bug','look on your bright side',
your contrast is so abstract, Beautiful characteristics, intense and vivid,
variegated, an artist of this expertise, is definitely dedicated,
Luminous, radiant, perceptional, beams shimmering brilliance,
anyone who breaks your stencils or steals your utensil's,
will get bladed by a sharp pen 'er or, filled with lead like a pencil,


I'm honestly just happy you haven't stopped envisioning success,
your often late, but I'm always waiting patiently, to invest,
you might learn something new in the classroom today,
I have no credentials but I can brighten your page,,
redirect your view, and I'll paint, more than a few, scenes but none,
as beautiful, as the colors your shining through,
as the slide shows, show slides, any, whatever colors shapes or forms,
any, contrast, depth or shade, it's yours,
let me brighten up your image, lighten up your embrace,
light up your world like.
I'm your,
Thomas Kinkade!
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Concrete Foundations, Built for us,
Founded and Created Cons, Buried, now crushed,
under the same concrete, created, to maintain a fond nation.
For us? We trust, in none of them, they disgust,
they all just smile with their mouths sewn shut,
hiding behind stitched mouths, teeth knocked out,
pulling their ***** back out, to fu..
fundamentally set standards, they deemed a must
drinking rust, water spouts the wells been poisoned somehow.
Armies of men stationed, wives and kids despise, his,
atomic attacks, all bones with no back, who's side white brown or black?
Air Raid sirens to sound as smoke arises,
blow, it out, of
The Trumpet's brass?
Much like anything that comes out of his ***, he needs put in a cast,
not meaning the role he's playing, after all he is about his ratings.
Look at all the sitcoms out of yal he has created. ha
I don't discriminate, however brass, leaves a bad after taste,
like, not really my instrumental choice,
unless its ****** knuckles, I'm more of a percussionist
beat them all with the drum
sticks, *****, chicks, wake the **** up, dumb little b..
bench/, warmers...where they sat us, playing on an Iphone,
not paying attention, so much distraction, you twit nits,
twittering, snap, chatting,
*** and **** pics, what's wrong with that pic,
living in a photoshopped world, come watch the games now,
that the score board is 'fixed'
same players no touchdowns, losing, yet forced to
cheer and chant their names, they win, don't you dare frown,
becoming restless, keeping us mentally sick and poor,
kids blocked by a wall with a white guarded door,
floor is slick, spilled some orange paint all over it,
flick the ashes, like your nasty cigarette habits
Does your hope float? because mine don't, nope,
but were all stuck in a bubble, can't float when your caught under the rubble,
smells like they better call Hillary, something is fishy,
oh wait that's her and Trump's chemistry mixing.
I'm probably gonna get some backlash for this,
especially because the fact of it is,
this house is divided into unequal shares,
yal walk around as if nobody lives there,
It's like leaving the lights on but nobody is home,
tear down the wall crush them with the same heavy stones.
55 · Nov 2017
Grieving R.II.P. Dad
Bellvadear Nov 2017
That moment I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Everything I felt and thought left me.
My mind and soul, suffocating.
The very minute the phone started ringing.

Just a blink in my eye, you had vanished.
The desperation I felt, couldn't stand it.
Never know how the hell I will manage.
No mending this depth of damage.

It's been unstable for me since you been gone.
No matter how many drugs that I been on.
None of them ever numbed this pain.
It's just to strong.
Wish I could have said my 'So long'.

I'm sorry if I failed you now.
Things have been rough since you ain't around.
The songs I heard no longer make a sound.
Never thought I'd hit the ground,
rock bottom,
I was meant for space bound.

I wonder this Earth now so lonely.
Feeling a lot like I'm the only,
one who understands or even cares,
to even know me.
I wear this heavy burden.
Smile while I'm hurting.
Act as though I can manage,
then cry as my back is turning.

Maybe I should seek some therapy.
In a nut house is where I'd be.
You see.
I'm ashamed to be grieving.
In fear of letting down your legacy.
All the 'sympathetic' 'love' I would be getting.
Would set me off,
end up in house fires,
I'd probably be setting.

I know you wouldn't be to shocked at this.
If it was your's that is missed,,
you'd feel this twist.
When your heart doesn't just break it shatters.
Into a thousand micro pieces,
then like that, black confetti,

Your emotionally scattered.

Battered, tattered, feeling like the mad hatter.
And as time goes on,
I become madder and madder.
Wishing I could go back in time,
just to hear your laughter.

It fades like a record,
from the good old days,
scratchy, and warped,
the more I try to make it play.
I know it will never sound the same.

Wish you could see how far I've came.
52 · Nov 2017
Westward [explicit]
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Gallantly riding along with my sidekick Gandolf, bold and strong, 'ride or die' t'il his hoofs fall off'.
Onwards we journey throughout the finally quite valley, silencing all the wild, yal stuck in a 'blind alley'.
Pondering back in memories around a campfire, a time once I was wreckless and robbing moonshiners.
I smell the wood burning and the embers crackling. reminiscing old days before I was backtracking.
Twiddling my doorknob mustache I wish I had. Bar fights and gun slings, in my side tipped hat.
I'm on the run now Sherriff can't catch me, were out stomping ground, like it's a stampede.
Found myself in a bind, with my cantine, and my satchel, been wanted an outlaw, for slaughtering you cattle.
Rode all night with a bunch of drunken bandits, tried to cheat me in poker, but I was left handed.
See I cleared all this land, with 44's to their chests, most precise 'bar slinger' this side of the west.
Spitting 'bars' in a saloon now that's a new style, try and crowd around me, I'll exit you out of existence, single file.
Your 'rowdy cowboys' smell of cigars, *****, and perfume. I'll hang you out back without dignity of a tomb.
Ringo, Django, Buffalo Bill, I don't concern with who you are, and that's the real deal.
Status means nothing to a revolving gun, my mind is my weapon, so I hope you can run.
You go to hell, you go to hell and you die, don't fret old pals, I'll sing your wife and kids goodnight,
kiss them and tuck them in for you, ignoring her cries for me to 'just spare her one true'.
I must be so fortuitous, unless I'm just not new at this, nah, I've done this numerous.
I heard them call out ' drinks on me' well if you would stop spilling it, and hitting on Bonnie.
Where the **** is Clyde, banging a *******, I'd kick his teeth out with my combat cowboy boots.
Why the **** is everyone so 'Bonnie and Clyde' robbing banks and fleeing, with a two faced ***** by your side.
Yeah they got your sides, while shooting you in the back, staring at your face, you hit the pavement then...smack..
Hard cold reality hits you in the face, undermined my intensity, my emotions enrage.
I'll burn your whole town you son of a witch, now hop along Cassidy, you flipped off the wrong switch.
I walk into this new place, everyone stops, they know who I am, but their jaws about to drop.
I take off my trench coat, revealing curves, what this cowboy, is really a her.
Taking my hat off, my pinned hair falls, hiding my face so they can't see my flaws.
They gasp in shock, who is this gal, this lady?
Whistling a tune, to the real Hello Daisy.

— The End —