My chipped nails dig into your hand
and I say I'm sorry
but you tell me not to apologize
you tell me I can hold your hand as hard as I need to
you tell me it doesn’t hurt to feel loved like that

I am not shy. I am loud, I am talkative, I am the first to start a conversation, I am not afraid to tell a stranger everything on my mind, I will laugh too loud in front of people, I will cry too hard in front of people, I will tell any secret that is mine to tell, I almost always know what to say, I like to socialize, I enjoy company, I enjoy talking, I enjoy listening. But not when it comes to you. When it comes to you I am so scared to make a wrong move. When it comes to you my heart bursts open into my brain prohibiting logical thoughts. When it comes to you I am painfully shy, I listen too long, I talk too little, I cover my mouth when I laugh, I make small movements, because I do not care what random strangers think of me, but I do care how you think of me. I care if you like how I look or talk and I care if you think I am interesting, and I want so bad to fake who I am just to impress you but I don't think that will be necessary because you seem to like me. And thats good. I like me too.

Jealousy.
As in the way you stay up late
texting her
not
me.
Or how we used to talk
every day.
Now you talk
with
her.
I told myself not to get
attached.
I told
myself,
People
Aren't
Permanent.
But I
failed to listen
to myself
again.
This time
you win.

If I could make a wish
or get my way
I swear to stars
I’d make you stay
the moon I wouldn’t
second glance
if I just
had the chance
to hold your hand
or see the galaxies
exploding in
you eyes
I swear to stars
I tell no lies

When I sit late at night
and I'm alone
When the smoke escapes my lips
and I can't think
When the ***** runs through my veins
like blood
All I want to know is
Do you remember the time we almost fell in love?

And me?
I became a new age pestilence
gone all the time
I had a new cough everyday
dark circles lined my red watery eyes.
I didn’t sleep
I didn’t eat
and when I did?
I puked it up,
you could sell me on TV
as death with a coffee cup.
I didn’t finish that project
so I took a hammer
to my wrist;
and when we learned that if someone died
during finals
the rest of us would pass?
You all laughed,
but my mind went dark
I began wondering
exactly when could
I slip cyanide
into that poor girls
hydroflask.
Can’t you see
what’s driving me?
These letter grades and GPA’s
are making me lose my mind;
you tell me I’m fine,
it doesn’t matter.
But what if i’m not great
at anything else?
What if I’m not good enough?
I just wanted to be good enough.

She looked perfect
and absolutely beautiful.
So when she began to
question herself,
the way I often do myself,
I began to wonder if maybe I was beautiful too.

I fell in love with the sky and maybe thats why i loved you. you were an angel and i was a mermaid, i sat in depths and i couldn’t get back up and live on the surface, like you could; i didn’t have wings; i couldn’t fly like you could; but i could swim into realities and see the pretty world the way that it was. it was so painful to look at the stars and know id never get there. maybe thats why i chose you


it turns out that you were not an angel and maybe I’m not a mermaid. thats all well and dandy because i’m going to reach the stars one day and frankly, i don’t care about you anymore.

it was more convenient for you to go
so you left