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AtMidCode Mar 2018
nay
i never learn how to say the truth to my friends, unless they're good things
i'm not big on sugarcoating, but neither on being brutally and truthfully honest
most especially to you

i can never describe the fear and the anxiety of disappointing you
of just spitting the words i really wanted to say but always always too afraid or stricken to speak because you might just not get it and i might just end up hurting you instead of simply laying down my opinions

opinions
i have tons of them inside my head and they just stay there, waiting to be used on the day i'll finally find the courage to say that you're too much and the pain is sometimes unbearable and can you please stop or just pause because
because my heart is too heavy from all your accusations
my lungs too tight from this choked up feeling, for always letting you win without batting an eyelash and just opening your lips to let your own harsh words out

my soul, dear friend, is bruised too much
i can hardly recognized it because of the many stitches i sew on it every night so that it'll look like it's ready yet again for another war with you

you see
my mind is not that strong to block all your scary glares and your always present annoyed voice everytime i attempt to say what i want you to hear
i can't seem to dodge your blows as i try to turn my back on you because that will only give you more reason to think that here i am again, leaving you after all the time you picked me up and stayed with me

how can you not see that i am so. ****. tired.
of putting up with your *****
of your careless throwing of disguised-as-honest-but-really-are-just-hurtful words?
how?

this is the reason i left you before
and only by a circumstance i first thought was a blessing but is really just another opportunity for you to break me way worse than before
did we meet
and if there's something i learned from that
it's that i won't let you do that to me ever again

i'm one of them
as Cassie would say
the bent, but the unbroken
-to my Middle English nei

*if there's one thing i am sorry for, it's that i kept mum about all the ****** things and let you think that all that you've done are okay, that i can and will always do it
*i won't nod nor cast my eyes downward ever again  just to not make  you feel bad
* let's let each other go, and keep it that way. we may have loved each other once but that's it
*to freedom : wait till i get you, patience for now, my love
AtMidCode Mar 2018
i never learn how to say the truth to my friends, unless they're good things
i'm not big on sugarcoating, but neither on being brutally and truthfully honest
most especially to you

i can never describe the fear and the anxiety of disappointing you
of just spitting the words i really wanted to say but always always too afraid or stricken to speak because you might just not get it and i might just end up hurting you instead of simply laying down my opinions

opinions
i have tons of them inside my head and they just stay there, waiting to be used on the day i'll finally find the courage to say that you're too much and the pain is sometimes unbearable and can you please stop or just pause because
because my heart is too heavy from all your accusations
my lungs too tight from this choked up feeling, for always letting you win without batting an eyelash and just opening your lips to let your own harsh words out

my soul, dear friend, is bruised too much
i can hardly recognized it because of the many stitches i sew on it every night so that it'll look like it's ready yet again for another war with you

you see
my mind is not that strong to block all your scary glares and your always present annoyed voice everytime i attempt to say what i want you to hear
i can't seem to dodge your blows as i try to turn my back on you because that will only give you more reason to think that here i am again, leaving you after all the time you picked me up and stayed with me

how can you not see that i am so. ****. tired.
of putting up with your *****
of your careless throwing of disguised-as-honest-but-really-are-just-hurtful words?
how?

this is the reason i left you before
and only by a circumstance i first thought was a blessing but is really just another opportunity for you to break me way worse than before
did we meet
and if there's something i learned from that
it's that i won't let you do that to me ever again

i'm one of them
as Cassie would say
the bent, but the unbroken
to my Middle English nay

*if there's one thing i am sorry for, it's that i kept mum about all the ****** things and let you think that all that you've done are okay, that i can and will always do it
*i won't nod nor cast my eyes downward ever again  just to not make  you feel bad
* let's let each other go, and keep it that way. we may have loved each other once but that's it
*to freedom : wait till i get you, patience for now, my love
AtMidCode Jan 2018
I wish someone taught you how to channel your anger
How to express your feelings
I wish someone was there to understand you when even you can't understand yourself.

I wish you were taught how not to hurt other people just so you can keep yourself from the pain.

I wish you learned all that . . . just so I was saved from you.
P. S. To you, because you called me 'tanga' (stupid) just because I thought the door was not locked when you were knocking.

171412 | 1912
AtMidCode Jan 2018
i have this constant ache and hollowness inside my chest

sometimes, it would wrap around my heart and squeeze it until it becomes painful

during those times, i might be talking to a friend and we're asking ourselves where we are that exact time next year, when college life hits us and everything is new--school, teachers, friends, goals and maybe, just maybe, when we finally know what freedom actually feel, if we will ever feel it

other times, we might just be talking over plateful of fries and coke and someone will ask me what university i'll be going to and just like usual, i will say whatever univ will give me a scholarship when i really want to say is that whenever you guys will go because **** it, i am sure that i might not be happy at first because it would make me feel pathetic for chasing people instead of my dreams but the thing is they're my people and aren't they dreams personified and i am also sure that after a while i will then feel safe and happy because although people wants to achieve things in order to be happy, i in contrast only want an assurance that they will be with me along the way and i don't care how long it will take for me to reach my goals (yes not dreams because they're that already) as long as they're still at least in my peripheral vision while i'm looking towards the finish line

you see, my greatest dilemma is how to tell people who ask you what you want that you only wish for them to always be with you without them feeling scared of you because you want them so much too much all the time especially when you thought that you'll never want nor need anything else as long as you have them

tell me how you tell people that you've never been certain of anything until they came and gently knock on your walls telling you that you won't need them anymore for they, your friends, are there to support and protect you and without knowing it you've already lowered down the walls that served as your haven during unforgiving times and for a long long while you've been so used to them being your post and for once you finally felt how it feels like to have those hollow parts covered by resilient structures such as them but unlike your haven which you left, they will be the one who will do the leaving but it would be okay for you because you know that stability is rare and you would be willing to wait even longer than usual just to feel secured again because those walls don't quite fit you anymore and new spaces are created by those who left you only for a while they say and promise to come back

come

the

****

back

will you be so kind as to tell me how certain people just seem to have the ability to catch your whole being and carve themselves in your ears arms tongue throat thighs legs head feet and make a dent in your soul as if their mere existence is not enough for you to make sure that yes they are real and they entered your life and surely wreak a havoc before leaving

it's as if they want to make a point : your soul, i touched it, was able to create a whole new universe, destroy something no one would be able to rebuild and you. know. it.

now, now

tell me how to forget
AtMidCode Dec 2017
ipapakita ko sayo kung
anong nakikita ko
at sinasabi ko sa'yo
sabay nating mamahalin ang sarili mo
you are worthy. idk why you ever thought that you're not.
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