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Ana Ehlana Sep 30
every sad soul comes around
once in awhile they settle down
but once they’ve gained back their crown
my silence overpowers their sound
Ana Ehlana Sep 26
they say i have nothing to be sad for
but they don’t know everything
zero knowledge about my grief or,
the fact that my heart’s always breaking

they don’t see all the things i missed out on
the way i yearn for my father to have been alive
throughout every single moment that haunts,
every birthday after ten that i’ve had to survive

they don’t see the glistening in my eyes
when it says “Dad” on the phone call
and i watch from the sidelines
wondering what it feels like as my heart falls

& i don’t think i will ever heal
from that kind of aching
i will forever have to deal
with the way it will always be hurting.
Ana Ehlana Sep 11
to my love
i hope you know your worth
to my angel
i hope you never turn into the devil
to my happiness
i hope you’re always full of smiles
Ana Ehlana Aug 15
some days i worry
that the person i said i won’t be
will eventually end up to be the future me
in ways that i never could dream

what if i never get out of this mess
worse, what if this is my best
what if i fail all of life’s tests
& what if the problems never get less
Ana Ehlana May 2019
I've been sad for as long as i can remember. The day my father died is when i started to wonder whether that is the natural state of a 10 year old, to lose a person who is supposed to see you through life until you can hold your own hand.

As cruel as it sounds, I've been wondering when my mother's time will be up ever since he passed on. I keep preparing my mind, every time her birthday comes I tell myself "you've had her for an additional year, maybe this is it maybe this is when your luck runs out".

I never cried about his passing from the day after. I was numbed and I've been numb about it throughout all these years. The only time I came close to crying was a few weeks after he was gone, I was watching the tv and something came up that I really wanted to tell him about. I turned my head to the back and I called out "Papa-". I stopped when I came to the realization that he was not there and he will never be able to hear and respond to the things I say anymore.

Everyone thinks that because I was just ten years old, I wasn't affected much. Due to the fact that out of all my siblings I was the one who knew him the shortest, they thought that I couldn't be the saddest. But that was my father too, I loved him too, I was his daughter too. Everyone thought they were the saddest person. They were so busy with their own sadness, they never checked on mine. They never asked how I was doing, they never explained death nor did they provided solace to my lost and broken soul.

To a ten year old who had to figure out her own emotions, the easiest way was to **** it up and keep it inside.

& when you go through something like that, you'll understand why I say I'll always be sad.
Ana Ehlana Apr 2019
there are some things you can't say
moments that pull you back into the past
they ask how you became so **** crazy
but everything really went by too fast

you couldn't talk about it
because who would understand
days when you were confused
nights you were ripped apart

a million hours have gone by
yet the same things stuck to your mind
the same questions, what how and why
all while acting you're fine

memories of you saying no
flashbacks of them saying yes instead
your mind whispers back, ******* ***
& with time you agree, your soul dead
Ana Ehlana Oct 2018
some things I can’t change;
the way I’ll always feel scared
in any relatively new situations
or with any kind of changes

some things I can’t forget;
the way my heart has hurt
in grieving a few deaths
or managing a few messes

but i hope i can always count on you
to not be a part of the things that change
or a fragment of my broken heart
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